Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum Idea for an episode.

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  • #268363
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, HOOPS

    Kryten mistakenly believes he has invented hula hoops.

    #268364
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SIX

    Red Dwarf is boarded by a group of GELFs who take up residence in the cargo bay and send a video message saying that they refuse to leave until they’re all fed equally. In the darkness of the cargo bay, the Dwarfers cannot tell how many GELFs there are, and Holly can only tell that there are between one and six GELFs.

    The Dwarfers decide to get some sandwiches out of the deep freeze on Cargo Bay F. What is the smallest amount of sandwiches they can get that will divide equally between the GELFs, with none left over, irrespective of however many GELFs there turn out to be?

    #268365
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, BETTY BOOPS

    Kryten mistakenly believes he has invented a character that Cat sees as an aspirational figure.

    #268366
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, LOOPS

    Kryten mistakenly believes he has invented froot loops.

    #268367
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE

    Kryten mistakenly believes he has invented the concept of a well.

    #268368
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TEQUILA PHASE, WHOOPS

    Kryten gets drunk on spirits and falls over.

    #268369
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, TROOPS

    Kryten visits a wax droid planet and helps turn them all into soldiers.

    #268370
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, MOOBS

    Kryten makes barely-concealed digs at Lister’s physique.

    #268371
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SEVEN

    The chameleonic microbe, when it first infects Red Dwarf, measures one inch cubed, but doubles in volume every 30 minutes. The escape pod it arrived in is 50 metres high, 100 metres deep and 75 metres wide (a perfect cuboid).

    How long will it take for the microbe to completely consume the escape pod?

    #268372
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, FUCK MY ARSE WE’RE ON PAGE 119

    Etc.

    #268373
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, COOPS

    When Lister turns into a chicken, Kryten finds a home for him.

    #268374
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, COPS

    Kryten goes back in time and invents the concept of policing.

    #268375
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT

    Captain Hollister buys a new, upgraded model of Skutter which is guaranteed to travel 10km on a single battery. For the test run, he places it on a specially designed 1-metre radius circular track. It starts moving, completing one lap of the track every 20 seconds. Three hours in, Hollister increases its speed by five times. From the moment Hollister first started it running, how long will it take for the Skutter to run out of battery?

    #268376
    cwickham
    Participant

    WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, STAR COPS

    Kryten goes back in time to 1987 and invents a short-lived science fiction drama series.

    #268377
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINE

    Kryten is mopping B Deck, and walks 100 metres in a certain direction. He stops for a while, ponders, and then walks another 50 metres. He then stops, looks up in the air, looks down and walks 50 metres.

    Kryten then turns 90 degrees and walks another 100 metres. He rests for a while, then turns another 90 degrees and walks 100 metres. He then mops a particularly stubborn stain for a while, rotates 90 degrees and walks 50 metres.

    Suddenly, Kryten realises that he has missed a spot. He turns towards his starting point, walks thirty metres, and then stops.

    During his journey, what was the furthest distance he could have been away from his starting point?

    #268378
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY

    Lister and Rimmer are playing Mine-opoly, but at a crucial point of the game, Lister substitutes his dice for a loaded pair. The two dice cannot ever roll a one or a two, and if they would normally do so they will end up on 6 instead.

    Unbeknownst to him, Lister has weighted the dice with an experimental and unstable metal Kryten has been experimenting with. After the first two rolls of the first die, the metal will have decayed so much that it is no longer effective and it will function as an ordinary die. The second die will be weighted for its first three rolls.

    Lister needs to roll an 11 to win, and he needs to get it within his next four rolls. What are the odds of this happening?

    #268379
    Dave
    Participant

    THE MACHINES JUST CAN’T TAKE IT, SIR

    Calculators of Red Dwarf fans across the globe start exploding as they are bombarded with a quick-fire sequence of multiple maths problems.

    #268380
    Dave
    Participant

    WHERE DO ALL THE CALCULATORS GO?

    Red Dwarf fans request a giant bin for their broken adding machines.

    #268381
    Dave
    Participant

    I AM A FISH

    Rimmer responds to all 140 MATHS IN THE RED questions with the same answer.

    #268382
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-ONE

    Rimmer wants 20 of the decks mopped, and initially sends out four of the Skutters to do it. Due to his impatience, every ten minutes he sends out another Skutter to help.

    If it takes one Skutter 30 minutes to mop one-third of a deck, how long will it take until all 20 decks are mopped?

    #268383
    Warbodog
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-TWO

    Rimmer deposits $£100 in his bank account.
    He withdraws $£40, thus leaving $£60
    He withdraws $£30, thus leaving $£30
    He withdraws $£18, thus leaving $£12
    He withdraws $£12, thus leaving $£0
    —-Total: $£100—- —-Total: $£102—-

    How many times does Rimmer need to repeat these steps to become a multi-multi-multi-millionaire?

    (Adapted from Craig Charles & Russell Bell Present the Craig Charles Almanac of Total Knowledge: Utter Mayhem from the Star of Red Dwarf but Mainly Russell Bell).

    #268384
    Dave
    Participant

    LEARNING DRUGS

    Rimmer takes a bad batch of learning drugs that cause him to tally up the amounts remaining in his bank account after multiple withdrawals, as though their combined total means anything at all.

    #268385
    Warbodog
    Participant

    A MAN OF SUCH AWESOME STUPIDITY

    Rimmer objects to Kryten revealing that he actually had to look up a solution to a common sense maths problem from a lightweight observational comedy miscellany.

    #268386
    Dave
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE BED

    New late-night version of the Idea For An Episode thread in which sub-Mensa brain-teasers are jazzed up with sexually explicit details to get people more interested.

    #268387
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-THREE

    A Skutter is in the centre of a bunkroom that measures 10 feet by 10 feet, and its onboard camera is focused directly at the centre of the east wall. Assume that the Skutter is one foot in length, and that the Skutter’s camera is three inches in diameter, and that the Skutter has a 140 degree field of vision.

    To the nearest whole number, what percentage of the room falls within the Skutter’s view?

    #268389
    Dave
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, 100%

    Even Cat is smart enough to realise that the Skutter can see the whole room as it is able to move.

    #268390
    Warbodog
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL TRIP

    An ageing Cat pretends that his stumble-into-jogging-dance manoeuvre is a new move he’s trying out.

    #268391
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    BETTER THAN AFTER LIFE

    Having belatedly reviewed the winners of the 2020 Comedy.co.uk awards, a Red Dwarf fan is astonished to discover that The Promised Land was not shortlisted, and that the Ricky Gervais show “After Life” is a comedy.

    #268392
    cwickham
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL TIP

    Cat starts a highly successful rubbish dump.

    #268393
    cwickham
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL DIP

    Cat moves to Yorkshire.

    #268394
    cwickham
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL HIP

    Cat gets a hip replacement.

    #268395
    cwickham
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL LIP

    Cat gets collagen injections.

    #268396
    cwickham
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL RIP

    Cat tears things up.

    #268397
    cwickham
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL SIP

    Cat has a small amount of his beverage.

    #268398
    cwickham
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL ZIP

    Cat remembers to do his flies up.

    #268399
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL; A 10%ERS EP

    A Red Dwarf fan stumbles across a fansite for the Grant Naylor sitcom “The 10%ers” and attempts to submit ideas for episodes.

    #268400
    Dave
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, IT’S 30% CHRIS

    Peter O’hanrah-hanrahan materialises on board Red Dwarf and tells Chris Barrie how much of a cut his agent is taking.

    #268401

    ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL SHIT

    After suffering constipation for a couple of days, Cat drinks a gallon of prune juice and does a big poo.

    #268402
    Dave
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, 100% SUCK/CESSPIT SHIT

    Rob Grant decides to write a chapter of Backwards that is exclusively about Cat and Lister discussing reverse blowjobs and describing how Cat uncovers buried dung to suck back into his own arse.

    #268403
    Dave
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, 100% SUCCESSFUL NIP

    Krytie TV viewers are delighted to see a bare breast.

    #268404
    Dave
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, 4% SUCCESSFUL TRIP

    The crew exit the Total Immersion Video Game “Red Dwarf”.

    #268405
    Warbodog
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, 75% EPISCOPAL SHIP

    Crossover with The New Adventures of Father Ted.

    #268406
    Warbodog
    Participant

    ALL IN ALL, 0% CREDIBLE SHIT

    Holly finishes watching every YouTube paranormal compilation ever.

    #268407
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR

    Rimmer decides to break into the exam officers’ quarters to try and see the answers to the next astro-navigation exams.

    He discovers the answers are kept in a safe with a combination lock that goes from 0 to 59. However, he doesn’t know if there are three or four numbers in the combination, or even which direction to turn the wheel in.

    If it takes him 15 seconds to try one combination, how long will it take him to try every possible combination?

    #268408
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: STACKED TO THE GILLS!

    Cat shows off his new half-fish half-woman girlfriend.

    #268409
    Dave
    Participant

    COOK: STACKED TO THE GRILLS!

    Lister makes an enormous BBQ.

    #268410
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: STACKED TO BEAR GRYLLS!

    Rimmer buys a load of survivalist kit for his next expedition to the Diesel decks.

    #268411
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: RUN TO THE HILLS!

    Lister gets really into Iron Maiden.

    #268412
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: STACKED TO THE FRILLS!

    A holovirus-addled Rimmer thinks his bust looks rather fetching in his new gingham dress.

    #268413
    Warbodog
    Participant

    LOOK: STACKED TO THE GILLS!

    Starbug comes across a derelict full of Gillian Cross paperbacks, which Lister describes in an obscure way.

    #268414
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE

    Lister accidentally locks all of Red Dwarf’s computer terminals. He gets the operating manual to try and work out how to unlock the system.

    The manual doesn’t give full instructions, but does have some examples. When Lister tries to unlock the computers, he will be shown two numbers. If 1 and 2 appear on the screen, he should type in 9 to unlock the system. If 3 and 4 appeared, he should type in 20. If 5 and 6 appear, he should type in 12.

    Lister tries to operate the nearest computer. The numbers 17 and 12 appear on the screen. What number does he need to type in?

    #268415
    Warbodog
    Participant

    LOOK: STALACCED TO THE GILLS

    Lister finds another suicidal fish that impaled itself on an undersea cave roof.

    #268416
    Warbodog
    Participant

    EPSTEIN “COMMITTED SUICIDE,” MCAFEE “COMMITTED SUICIDE” AND SETH RICH “COMMITTED SUICIDE”… THERE’S SOME KIND OF LINK HERE THAT I CAN’T QUITE PUT MY FINGER ON

    Cat gets into early 21st century American right-wing conspiracy theories.

    #268417
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: STOCHASTIC TO THE GILLS!

    Captain “Air-Cool” Platini shows off his fancy computer.

    #268418
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: STICK TO THE GIRLS!

    Homophobic Red Dwarf fans find themselves uncomfortable while watching “Blue”.

    #268419
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: STARCHED TO THE FRILLS!

    Kryten irons a shirt for Lister.

    #268420
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: STACKED TO THE PILS!

    Lister finds a derelict full of lager.

    #268421
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: STUCK ON THE PILLS!

    Rimmer gets addicted to learning drugs.

    #268422
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIX

    Holly is checking his speech recognition software is fully functioning. First, he says “1”. Next, he says “11”. Then, “21”, “1,211”, and “111,221”.

    What does he say next?

    #268423
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: MAC-ED TO THE GILLS!

    Doug Naylor releases a new Remastered version of Red Dwarf that has Hollister digitally inserted into every single shot.

    #268424
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: JACKED TO THE GILLS!

    The nanobots give Lister loads of muscles and that.

    #268425
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: SACKED FOR THE THRILLS!

    After reading about Craig Charles’ more sensationalist exploits in the tabloids, Doug Naylor fires him and recasts Lister with Paul Chuckle.

    #268426
    Warbodog
    Participant

    LOOK: CRACKED TO THE GILLS!

    Less polite first draft of the previous idea.

    #268427
    Jenuall
    Participant

    LOOK: PACKED FULL OF TRILLS

    DS9 crossover episode featuring lots of action from everyone’s least favourite alien race that for some reason seemed to get loads of episodes

    #268428
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SEVEN

    On the first day of the month, Red Dwarf is attacked by 13 GELFs. On the second day, it is attacked by 14 GELFs. On the third day, it is attacked by 95 GELFs. On the fourth day, it is attacked by 62 GELFs.

    By the twentieth day of the month, how many GELFs have attacked Red Dwarf in total this month?

    #268429
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: THIS IS NOT A DAFFODIL

    Well, thankfully Holly’s unaffected.

    #268430
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: TRACKED TO THE BILLS

    Investigators in the ongoing GNP lawsuit uncover a paper trail of incriminating financial information.

    #268431
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: LILAC-ED TO THE GILLS

    Johnny Vegas sees his Red Dwarf costume for the first time.

    #268432

    LOOK: SMACKED TO THE GILLS

    A 50 Shades of Grey inspired episode of Red Dwarf, where in Lister shows everyone is red raw arse after his BDSM sessions.

    #268433
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: LACKED TWO OF THE SKILLS

    Craig Charles’ agent is delighted to get him the role of Dave Lister after promising Paul Jackson, Ed Bye and Grant Naylor that the performer is a “triple threat,” despite him not being able to sing or dance and even his acting being somewhat questionable.

    #268434
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: WHACKED TO THE STILLS

    An obsessive Red Dwarf fan admits that they use behind-the-scenes photos of Chris Barrie as a masturbatory aid, for the sole purpose of making a pun work in the Idea For An Episode thread.

    #268435
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: TRACTOR, THE BILLS

    Gritty Mike Leigh-esque kitchen sink drama take on Lister and Kochanski running a farm on Fiji, in which Lister becomes anxious and depressed by his wife’s constant reminders of the dilapidated state of his farming machinery and the rising cost of their overheads.

    #268436
    Warbodog
    Participant

    LOOK: VAXXED TO THE KILLS

    Controversial anti-vax finale.

    #268437
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-EIGHT

    Holly is thinking of a number. The number has 6 digits, its digital root is 43, it is a square number, it is a cube number, and the number is under 500000. He challenges Rimmer to guess what it is, but realises too late that one of the pieces of information about the number he’s given him is wrong. He decides not to correct himself.

    What is the number?

    #268438
    Warbodog
    Participant

    LOOK: STACKED TO THE QUILLS!

    Lister strikes gold when he discovers Rimmer’s Sonic-themed DeviantArt.

    #268439
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: STEAK TO THE GRILLS

    Lister takes the chef’s exam.

    #268440
    Jenuall
    Participant

    LOOK: PACKED ON THE TILLS

    Lister points out to Rimmer why going shopping in Lidl at peak time is a bad idea as all of the checkouts are rammed

    #268441
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-NINE

    Assume the moon Red Dwarf is currently orbiting is a spherical moon with a diameter of 1600 km with a uniform density of 5200 kilograms per cubic metre.

    If Red Dwarf is in a circular orbit 630 km above the moon, what is its orbital velocity in metres per second? Please round up to the nearest whole number.

    #268442
    Dave
    Participant

    SIR, COULD WE TAKE A BREAK FOR A WHILE? IT APPEARS MY INTELLIGENCE CIRCUITS HAVE MELTED

    Kryten asks Rimmer to stop repeatedly asking him GCSE-level maths puzzles.

    #268443
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: TRACKED TO FRESH KILLS

    Lister crash lands on Garbage World and finds out where the whole thing started.

    #268444
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: RAPTOR SCOTT MILLS

    The next Jurassic Park sequel takes a dark DNA-crossing twist.

    #268445
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: CHAP TO FIX ILLS

    Lister adopts a strange old-fashioned phrase when trying to describe a doctor.

    #268446
    Jenuall
    Participant

    LOOK: STOCKED AT TRAGO MILLS

    Lister finds out the stir-master is in plentiful supply in outlets of an obscure south England/Wales department store

    #268447
    Dave
    Participant

    LOOK: CACKED TO THE FRILLS

    Robert Llewellyn reveals the exact extent to which he has “just cacked me pants”.

    #268448
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY

    Holly is malfunctioning, so Lister asks him how he’s feeling. The following appears on all the screens:

    07AB59
    D51503
    FE9C09
    807981
    18850C
    FDFD24

    How is Holly feeling?

    #268449
    Warbodog
    Participant

    YOU LOOK LIKE CAPTAIN EMERALD

    Holly forgets that Lister is episode-specific orange-yellow colour blind and inadvertantly gives him the inspiration to start a bakery.

    #268450
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-ONE

    Five GELFs took turns weighing themselves on a scale. However, they weighed each other two at a time, ten times total, so that every possible combination of two GELFs was weighed. The scale had the following readouts for the pairs: 236 pounds, 244 pounds, 228 pounds, 250 pounds, 258 pounds, 230 pounds, 246 pounds, 238 pounds, 242 pounds, and 252 pounds.

    How heavy was the heaviest GELF?

    #268451
    Jenuall
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE PROPHETIC MUTANT

    The crew meet a polymorph with a skill for predicting the future

    #268452
    Warbodog
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE SCALEXTRIC MUTANT

    The crew meet a polymorph that roams eternity on a fixed track, so is fortunately very easy to evade.

    #268453
    si
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE MAGNETIC MUTANT

    The Polymorph attracts a shitload of metal, and is destroyed as it’s pelted by a shipful of mining equipment.

    #268454
    Nick R
    Participant

    I saw a comment elsewhere online from someone who said that the jingle that Samsung washing machines play reminds them of Talkie Toaster, and it inspired a story that I like to call…

    THE RED DWARF CREW VERSUS THE SMEG WASHING MACHINE

    “Howdy doodly do. How’s it going? I’m Wordy, Wordy Washing Machine, your chirpy cleaning companion. Wordy’s the name, washing’s the game. Anyone like any clean clothes?”

    “Look, I don’t want any clean clothes, and he doesn’t want any clean clothes. In fact, no one around here wants any clean clothes. Not now, not ever. No clothes.”

    “How ’bout a rinse?”

    “Or rinses. Or rinses. We don’t like rinses around here. We want no 40° cottons, no 30° synthetics, no Delicate Silks, no woolens, no 600, 800 or 1200 RPMs, no 40° shirts, no down wear, no Cottons Eco 60°, no hand washes and no mixed fabrics and definitely no smegging Daily Quicks.”

    “Ah, so you’re a prewash man!”

    #268455
    Dave
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE PATHETIC MUTANT

    Gambit from the X-Men materialises on board Red Dwarf.

    #268456
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-TWO

    There are two water tanks providing water on Red Dwarf: a primary water tank, which is a sphere with a 4.5 metre radius, and a much larger backup water tank.

    After the joy squid incident, the primary water tank was emptied. The Dwarfers then have to carry bucketfuls of water from the larger backup water tank to the primary water tank.

    The Dwarfers want the tank filled so that the water is exactly 6.5 metres deep at the centre. If one bucket of water holds exactly 10 litres, how many bucketfuls of water are required to fill the tank to the required depth?

    #268457
    Jenuall
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE GERIATRIC MUTANT

    The crew encounter a polymorph that is too old to pose any real danger

    #268458
    Warbodog
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE DIEGETIC MUTANT

    The crew meet a polymorph that has its own audible theme song, so is fortunately very easy to evade.

    #268459
    Jenuall
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE OPTIMISTIC MUTANT

    The crew meet a really upbeat and positive polymorph

    #268460
    Dave
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE GENERIC MUTANT

    Remastered edition of Polymorph in which the distinctive monster design is replaced with a man in a shop-bought zombie costume.

    #268461
    Warbodog
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE GEPPETTIC MUTANT

    The crew meet a spayed emohawk that creates Transformers toys which it pretends are alive for want of real offspring. It then feasts on the emotional mélange this inspires in its gullible victims.

    #268462

    HI, I’M THE GERRY ANDERSON MUTANT

    In a special cross over episode, the crew encounter a number of past foes in string puppet form.

    #268463

    HI, I’M THE GERRY ADAMS MUTANT

    The Dwarfers encounter a monster whose intent is to bring about Irish Unionism

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