Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Pete Part Three]

Boring Setup

Leading to hilarious consequences.

[Dave]

HERE NO WEEVIL

Kryten’s search for a tasty dinner for Mr Lister turns out fruitless.

[Dave]

RED DWARF EYE EGGS

Due to a freak reality storm, every member of the Red Dwarf crew has their eyes replaced by eggs. Meanwhile, fans argue over whether this is what they should really call ‘Back To Earth’.

[Pete Part Three]

Chippy Chippy Bang Bang

Chippy gets off with a lady medical scanner, but then contracts a sexually transmitted computer virus. Too embarrassed to seek medical assistance, he decides to treat himself. His self-diagnosis causes him to explode because of the paradox. You know, like the video camera in Tikka to Ride. Hilarious, no? No. Fuck off.

[cwickham]

HERE NO MEDIEVAL

Director’s cut of “Stoke Me a Clipper” where the ending no longer involves a virtual reality knight.

[Dave]

HAIR NOW EVEL

A mutated bottle of shampoo that has been sitting on the shelf of a Red Dwarf shower cubicle for years turns out to have barely-plausible properties when Lister takes a shower and promptly finds his dreadlocks transformed into 1970s stunt motorcyclist Evel Knievel.

Evel promptly tries to use Kryten’s space-bike to jump over Red Dwarf’s ram scoop, but is sucked in and dies instantly, leaving Lister with no hair and a dead body on his hands.

[cwickham]

BEER NO EVIL

Lister decides that beer is, in fact, good. He has some with his curry.

[flanl3]

LUNG DIED:

Lister diesafter his lungs stop functioning because he smokes. Rimmer concludes that the proper way to mourn is sticking a “no smoking” label on the casket. Meanwhile, Kryten rams his broom right up Cat’s arse, but was it an accident?

[flanl3]

FUT-HOARE ECHOES:

A G&T admin watches like twelve Ians Symes walk through a door and screams

[flanl3]

BACK TO THREAD PAGE TWO:

Clicking on the name of this thread finally takes me to the right place.

[flanl3]

PHWOAR AT TEEN:

The boys discover an isolated strain of the virus that turns you into a pedophile, but was it an accident?

[Dave]

SPACE CORPS SURVIVAL MANUEL

Guest-starring Andrew Sachs as a hardened space-marine. From Barcelona.

[bloodteller]

FEW CHER ECHOES- The crew hear the faint sounds of If I Could Turn Back Time and mistakenly believe that legendary pop goddess Cher is somewhere on the ship. Turns out Lister just left his CD player on, but was it an accident? Yes.

[bloodteller]

MUTE CHER ECHOES- The crew locate the CD player and turn it off.

Meanwhile Cat is found folded neatly within the trouser press in his quarters. But was it an accident?

[Rubber]

I dent titty with inn

Kochanski accidentally walks into the side of a pub and bruises her bosom. Meanwhile, Holly decimalises fascism.

[Rubber]

Tongue Turd

Kryten finds himself in a socially difficult position when he’s caught with a quantity of Lister’s faeces in his little mechanoid mouth. Meanwhile, Rimmet’s light bee does a little dance to show where the nearest pollen is and he looks like a right prancing tit. Guest starring Neil Morrissey as Voice of Fart.

[Rubber]

Emohoare: Johnnymorph II

The sexiest G&T admin visits the ship disguised as a number of disparate domestic objects with the intention of leeching off the crew’s emotions so as to better understand their motivations and help him write incredibly detailed and penetrating character analyses for the website. Initially hostile to the interloper, the crew are soon won over by his charm and adorableness and are only too happy to assist. Meanwhile, everyone can smell cum.

[bloodteller]

OUT OF MINE- the crew of Red Dwarf actually attempt to do some bloody mining for once. they succeed and get some lovely ores and then leave the mine.

meanwhile, Kochanski is found with her entire body compressed into a single bottle of fizzy drink in order to “feel like a Vimto”. lister ends up drinking her, but was it an accident?

[bloodteller]

TROUT OF MINE- rimmer finds a trout and claims it as his own. but then cat eats it

meanwhile, george mcintyre lets his hairy dick hang out for the entire episode and there are hairs on the shaft

[flanl3]

SNOUT OF PRIME:

Lister signs up for Amazon Prime and they send him a hooter, so he unsigns up. Meanwhile, Cat sticks his bum out an airlock, but was it an accident?

[flanl3]

STAR KNOT:

Rimmer skips to a dimension where Warden Knot is performing at Red Dwarf’s karaoke bar and is actually quite good at it, so Rimmer hurls him into the Sun, but was it an accident? Don’t worry, he’s back in the next episode and beats Rimmer up.

[Ben Saunders]

ACCI DENT:

Rimmer wakes up one morning to find that all of the crosswords on the entire ship has been filled in. But was it Suzi Dent?

[Dave]

THE RED DWARF AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE

A minicab calls outside the house of the protagonist of H2G2 to pick him up and take him somewhere. But was it a taxi, Dent?

[bloodteller]

SPROUTS OF GRIME- rimmer finds a fucking manky old load of sprouts underneath lister’s bunk and discovers that for the past 29 years lister has not been eating his sprouts at christmas dinner. as payback rimmer cooks all the grimy sprouts for this year’s christmas dinner and gives them to lister and stares at him intently to make sure he bloody eats them. he does but looks quite upset about having to do so and this makes rimmer feel guilty so he never serves sprouts again

meanwhile cat has lots and lots of sex, but was he abstinent?

[Dave]

RED DWARF VII: THE EARLY DRAUGHTS

When Rimmer leaves the crew of Red Dwarf to become Ace Rimmer, he accidentally leaves a door open and makes everyone really chilly. Because, y’know, it’s cold outside.

[Ben Saunders]

RED DWARF VII: THE LATE DRAUGHTS

Dissatisfied with how their chess tournament went, Rimmer insists that the crew play draughts instead. Meanwhile, a medical professional recommends Cat try out a different type of toothpaste. But was it a dentist?

[Dollar Pound]

THE CHINQUISITOR

each of the crew in turn is interrogated by a version of themselves that is the upside down bottom of their face with a single googly eye version of themselves like in gunmen but the versions are real like giant upside down chins, the height of a standing person. also the chins move very fast and unpredictably around the room.

[cwickham]

SYMESARA

A G&T admin gets locked in a room with a copy of “Timewave”, and his nightmare begins.

[Dollar Pound]

OXOSHIP

rimmer falls in love with julia sawalha on a ship that the cat built using archemedean mechanical principals. richard herring is jealous because he loves her and is luke warm about the show which explains how he goes on to develop the technology to become the chinquisitor . meanwhile a knight has escaped from the ar and it’s a big one. he seems to have no weapons but was it an axe hidden?

[cwickham]

THREADWAVE

Seth Abramson turns up on board Red Dwarf and starts a 500-tweet thread. The episode attracts criticism, chiefly from people who don’t know who Seth Abramson is.

[flanl3]

THE LAST JEDI DAY:

Hudzen blasts the crew out into space, so they all turn into Peter Pan. Meanwhile, the projection of Rimmer’s dad kills everyone, bu

[bloodteller]

TROUT OF GRIME- rimmer finds a fucking manky dead fish all covered in shit floating about in lister’s fish tank. he cooks it for listers tea but what rimmer doesnt know is that the trout is actually the child of listers robot goldfish. luckily lister huffs the poisonous fumes from the dead fish and dies before he can eat it

meanwhile kryten sucks his own groinal attachment and dies from the suction. but was it an accident?

[bloodteller]

OUT OF TUNE- lister discovers he’s not actually crap at guitar, its just he never bothered to tune it and thats why it sounds bloody awful. he tunes it and plays some good songs.

meanwhile, kochanski puts the salad cream back in the wrong place and so kryten beats her to death with all the salad cream bottles he’s had to throw away as the result of her incompetence. but was it an accident?

[bloodteller]

OUT OF TUNA- the ship’s supply of tuna runs out and cat dies of malnutrition.

meanwhile rimmer eats some fish, but was it tuna?

[Dave]

FARTERS AND SUNS

When Lister lets fly a big curry-fuelled trump, the resultant gas cloud ignites a nearby sun, leading it to engulf a planet and kill all its inhabitants.

Meanwhile, Rimmer has a long conversation with Kryten about how he thinks western cultures and civilisations are superior to eastern ones. But was it the occident?

[Pete Part Three]

The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Multiverse

Rimmer continues his adventures, skipping from dimension to dimension before finally arriving in a cross-promotion commercial for some BBC Videos in the 1990s. Someone farts. But was it Arthur Dent?

[Dollar Pound]

BACK TO THE REAL THING

pepsi is *over* screams rimmer after a breif daliance with coke’s famous rival

[Dave]

REVOKE ME A SKUTTER

The special Skutter-based BBC2 channel-logo created for Red Dwarf night is withdrawn immediately afterwards, never to be used again. But was it an ex-ident?

[cwickham]

MELTDOWN

Craig Charles reacts badly to not being the host of the new series of Robot Wars, and decides to get an obscure competitor from the original series to appear in Red Dwarf instead. But is it Axe-C-Dent?

[cwickham]

CAR KNOT

It is revealed that Red Dwarf is a spaceship, knot a car.

[bloodteller]

OUR NOB OR ROSS- kryten issues an ultimatum: either lister sucks the nobs of all the crew right this instant, or he has to do jonathan ross up the arse. lister does both

meanwhile cat gets a job. but was he an applicant?

[bloodteller]

THE RINGQUISITOR- rimmer is questioned by massive onion rings. he fails their judgement process and becomes onion rings too. now its up to lister to eat all the onion rings.

meanwhile kryten eats a banana. but was it flavescent?

[cwickham]

TIMEWAVEOCRACY

An election is held for position of President the Econium, but is cancelled when it is pointed out that Ziggy already has the power to repeal the law around which the ship’s entire society is based on a whim.

[cwickham]

MECHOCRACYOCRACY

An election is held for the position of Machine President President, but is also won by Kryten, causing his head to explode as a result of the recursive logic.

[flanl3]

BENEDICT:

Kryten is writing a book on how best to cook chicken ovulations. In every paragraph, the first line is moved over an inch, but was it an eggs indent?

Meanwhile, Rimmer grows a patch of cucumbers.

Meanwhile, Cat bumps into an old pope.

Meanwhile, Lister says, “May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord be kind and gracious to you, may the Lord look upon you with favor and give you deep and abiding peace both this day and forever more, Alleluia, Amen.”

[Dave]

THE END

The crew of Red Dwarf is wiped out after an explosive leak of Cadmium II. But was it an accident? Yes, clearly it was.

[Pete Part Three]

An Accident

A meta episode where the Pearl Poll results are in and the best episode ever is announced. But was it An Accident? No. Because that’s not a real episode. It’s Back to Reality. Obviously.

[curtis]

OUROBALLHOURS

In a fascinating deconstruction of sitcom throughout the ages, the crew encounter a time-based convenience that makes all subsequent jokes sound like they were from the 1970s. Kryten gets into football and the Cat shits on one of Rimmer’s reports again.

[curtis]

OURIKMAYALLOUROS

Rik Mayall comes back from the dead and terrorises the crew. The Cat needs glasses

[curtis]

OUSHITANDPISSOROS

When Lister is spitting on Kryten’s wrist he finds this weird lump on his tongue that teleports them to Stockport. Then he makes this massive vat of custard full of shit and piss and tries to make Rimmer drink it but he won’t. Kryten doesn’t really know what’s going on but makes a best guess and gets them home. Once they’re back they end up promoting Rimmer because they feel bad about trying to make him eat shit and piss. Then they FINALLY let Warden Knot out of stasis so he can join the crew properly at last.

[Author]

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