Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[clem]

BACK TO EARTH PART TWOOCRACY

Colourless green ideas sleep furiously. Meanwhile Mex and Reketrebn form a comedy double act.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK IN THE RED TOP

After years of drinking semi-skimmed milk and exhausting supplies, Kryten discovers several crates of skimmed milk tea in the cargo hold.

Meanwhile, Rimmer questions how food supplies can remain fresh after 3 million years and sets up a board of food safety inspectors. Everyone ignores him and drinks the milk anyway, resulting in Lister and Cat getting diarrhea and shitting everywhere

[Warbodog]

(OUT OF TI)ME²

Future Starbug blasts Present Starbug out of the sky, causing the future ship to be erased from existence.

Thanks to his practically indestructible hard light body, Present Rimmer survives the explosion, meaning his counterpart does too. However, the potential for amusing Rimmer-on-Rimmer action is quashed by Present Rimmer’s inertia sending him spinning helplessly through the endless void of space forever.

[Warbodog]

MAN+²

Continuing from the unresolved cliffhanger of DNA (how did they change back???), Holly attempts to turn Kryten back into a mechanoid, but accidentally turns him into another mini Robocop Lister. He joins the original mini Robocop Lister and they spend the next 27 minutes noisily and nauseatingly slurping the remains of the curry monster off the floor. It ends with them still not having changed back.

[Warbodog]

1 1 1 ME ME ME ² ² ²

The Cat hangs around by himself.

[clem]

LACTOSE REALITY

Cat realises that too much milk is what’s making him bloated and flatulent and shit everywhere, so he decides to cut down. Meanwhile Kryten loses his keys.

[Warbodog]

ENTANGLED: SPECIAL HARROWING EDITION

Alternate ending to Entangled that shifts the focus from Lister and Rimmer to the doomed Irene E as we accompany her out of the airlock. We watch in horror as the realisation dawns on her face and she rapidly starts to freeze and suffocate, serenaded by the mocking lyrics of the theme song.

[Warbodog]

BEYOND A MELTDOWN

Craig Charles is kidnapped by the Computer Rashes Boy from Smeg Outs, grown up but irreparably damaged, and put down a well.

The Computer Rashes Boy from Smeg Outs sends down a bottle in a basket and calmly explains, “it puts the ointment on its computer rashes, or it receives sixty lashes.” Confounded, Craig Charles asks where he’s from. Things then escalate quickly.

[Dollar Pound]

LYSTER

the crew recieve a distressed cawl from a marooned robot called lyster. rimmer mistakes it for an anxious gazpacho and complains it’s too warm. lyster calls him an idiot and demotes him beause he turns out to also be a captain

[Moonlight]

BANKS FOR THE MEMORY

All the banks go belly-up and money becomes useless.

[Moonlight]

TOWEKS FOR THE MEMORY

Kryten accidentally overwrites Lister’s brain with his own. Hilarity ensues as they both mop floors in silence.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BETTER THAN LIFTS

In an attempt to get Lister healthy, Kryten tries to encourage him to use the stairs rather than the lifts as they are better for him.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THANKS FOR THE LIFTS

Travelling through an ever more populated space, the crew start to offer lifts to stranded life forms and they are all very thankful.

[Dave]

LETDOWN

When the crew of Red Dwarf are accidentally beamed to a planet full of self-aware waxwork historical figures, absolutely nothing of any note happens and the Dwarfers return home feeling vaguely unfulfilled.

[cwickham]

NANOCRACY

An election is held, but is either really small or involves everyone’s nan.

[Pete Part Three]

STATUS TWEAK

A forum member belatedly calls for the “Idea for an episode” thread to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Meanwhile, Cat gets worms.

[bloodteller]

STASIS WEAKEST LINK- anne robinson is inexplicably found in one of the stasis booths. everyone initially gets along well with her until lister walks into what used to be his sleeping quarters but is now the set of an old gameshow from the 20th century. she then starts hosting a quick-fire general knowledge quiz which really pisses off the crew so they decide to turn her into a stirmaster

[bloodteller]

STASIS BEAKER- rimmer scrunches up cups and throws them into suspended animation. and we’re not talking styrofoam here, we’re talking….what are we talking?

[bloodteller]

STASIS SHEIKRA- the crew discover a time portal back to mid 2000s tampa, florida where they discover the famous rollercoaster invented by michael rose. they all ride it but krytens massive hands cant do up the seatbelt so he flies off at the first loop. luckily he is okay because he has nanobots which can pretty much do anything to anything else and so there is no peril at all

[Pete Part Three]

THE CAST PAY

Doug takes the Red Dwarf cast out for a meal to discuss dates for Series XIII, but then realises he’s forgotten his wallet. Meanwhile, the waiter pisses in the food.

[Pete Part Three]

DEMOS AND BANGLES

Rimmer and Kryten fall through a timehole and crash land on Earth in 1987. To make ends meet, they decide to audition as a pop rock band and support The Bangles on tour. The episode ends with the crew performing “Walk Like an Egyptian” which Alison Graham describes as “desperately unfunny”.

[Pete Part Three]

THE BIN VISITOR

Red Dwarf is shrunk down again and goes on another voyage of Lister’s laundry basket. Meanwhile, Doug decides to call it a day when he realises that he’s resorted to copying story ideas from Series VII now.

[bloodteller]

DEMONS AND BAGELS- the crew are sucked through a time portal to 1990s Brooklyn, where they discover local bagel store H&H Bagels is possessed by demons. they decide this is probably one for the Ghostbusters so they ring them up and they come round and sort it out.

as a reward for helping apprehend the demons, the owner of H&H Bagels gives them some bagels. unfortunately they’re all old and one of them inexplicably has a piece of gum stuck inside it

[cwickham]

THE BIN VISITOR II

The Cat visits his bins, and is then falsely accused of assault.

[bloodteller]

THE THIN-QUISITOR

the inquisitor is back and this time he’s seriously pissed as it transpires that someone actually went and ate the last After Eight mint thin last seen in Series I. he mercilessly interrogates the crew, trying to figure out who is impolite enough to have been the one to have devoured the tasty snack. ultimately it turns out that the crew threw it out over twenty nine years ago, after they all made the unanimous decision that absolutely nobody wanted to eat a rank old mint that had been sat around in the bottom of a supply crate for three million years

meanwhile, the Cat eats a fortune cookie but his fortune simply tells him to fuck off

[Dave]

SMEG INS

Compilation of all the fluffed lines and botched special effects that still actually managed to make it into the final episodes. Including THE BLOO MID-JET IS LOW-DERD, the shit chroma key from Marooned, Lister spilling milk on the floor and all of the Dave-era Kryten technobabble scenes.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE BATTERING OF COD

Upon completion of the chefs exam, Lister opens a fish and chip shop wherein the Cat is his best customer.

Being a Cat, he has no money so the business quickly folds when he is unable to pay his tab.

Meanwhile, Rimmer discovers the Garbage Podcast and binges all the episodes to the annoyance of Lister who can’t get any sleep.

[Dave]

THE POLYMORPH FILES

Spin-off series in which the second Polymorph escapes Red Dwarf and goes journeying across the galaxy turning into a host of amusing inanimate objects while solving mysteries.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

A DENT TITTY WITHIN

Kochanski uses the time wand to give herself a boob job. After a nasty fall one of the silicon implants gets crushed, causing her boobs to look bent and lopsided. Kryten has to perform emergency surgery to correct the problem.

[Warbodog]

THE BIN VISITOR III

A lady puts the Cat in a bin and is publicly shamed by the tabloid press.

[bloodteller]

POLYMER MORPH- Rimmer discover an old Aardman short where the titular character “Morph” is made out of nylon, rather than the clay he is more often assosciated with. Rimmer ponders the efficiency of routine

Meanwhile, Lister lays alone in his bunk before his birthday. The clock hits midnight. He stares, unblinking at the ceiling. He has wasted a year.

[Warbodog]

THANKS FOR THE MONONYM

Minimalist one-hander starring Shend as Warden Knot, all filmed hand-held by Rocket. Time passes and something happens.

[Moonlight]

ABDUCT SUIT

Cat’s wardrobe is stolen by a mysterious third party. Lister repeatedly asks if it could be Kochanski, to the annoyance of everyone.

[Moonlight]

STAR? NOT.

Chris Barrie becomes depressed over his lack of current notoriety after having dominated the ’90s.

[Moonlight]

MCGOVERN OF THE APOCALYPSE

In a time travel mishap, President Richard Nixon trips into an airlock and is sucked into space. George McGovern wins the 1972 election and ends up going to nuclear war with the Soviet Union. Can the Dwarfers restore the timeline? Or would America rather burn than deal with the embarrassment of Watergate?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BEAKER TO RIDE

In a cross over with the Muppets, the crew pick up Beaker and go on a mission to rescue the rest of the muppets gang from the clutches of the stimulants.

The entire episode is done as puppets and it’s generally considered to have been a bad idea.

[Moonlight]

WHINE WAVE

A supercut of Kryten’s finest VII moments. Featuring special guest YOU’RE LYING.

[Moonlight]

BEYOND A STOKE

There are in fact six episodes of Red Dwarf VII beyond Stoke Me a Clipper, but no one has ever seen them until now. Behold this new DVD boxset of the six lost episodes of Red Dwarf VII. Features deleted scenes, and high-pitched commentary by Robert Llewellyn.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BEYOND A STROKE

Kochanski finally gives into Lister’s advances and things start to get physical. All Lister can hope is that it goes, beyond a quick stroke

[Warbodog]

IN TIME

The crew finally notice Lister’s distracting habit of occasionally mouthing other people’s lines while they’re saying them, and Kryten diagnoses him as a present-cog. The real-time nature of this ability makes it useless from a practical perspective, so things just carry on.

[Warbodog]

ROB GRANT’S PETE PART 2

Rob Grant’s long-awaited follow-up novel to Backwards is an original story that nevertheless turns out to be almost beat-for-beat identical to an episode Doug Naylor and Paul Alexander wrote in the 90s. Rob is adamant he never watched it and that it’s just a coincidence.

Without the restrictions of a TV budget or audience taste, Rob’s free to describe Pete’s vomit and diarrhoea in gloriously vivid detail. Birdman’s death is much more gruesome and drawn-out across several chapters, Archie and the baby T-rex hilariously spit-roast the incapacitated Hollister and the Time Wand turns Lister and Cat into teenagers permanently before it’s destroyed. Everyone else is fucking dead.

[Moonlight]

GRANTS FOR THE MAMMARY

Rob Grant’s long-awaited guest script for Series XVII explores an alternate reality where Kochanski used the time wand to get a boob job, only to hideously disfigure her innards and foam blood out of her twat for several minutes in real time, sobbing all the way.

[Moonlight]

THE EXQUISITOR

Rimmer becomes enamored by the finer things and stsrts a wine-tasting club at Parrot’s. Lister sells out and attends. Meanwhile, Cat accidentally crushes his barbed penis after closing a book in the nude.

[Moonlight]

BACK IN THE RAPE

Rimmer has a date tonight! Let’s hit her with the old mesmer-stare and see where the night takes us.

[flanl3]

COLON:

An episode shot entirely within Pete’s bowels.

[flanl3]

COLÓN:

lol geddit cuz it’s idea number 1492 lol

[Moonlight]

HOLLOW SHIP

In a shocking cliffhanger, Red Dwarf is revealed to be totally hollow and filled with raw ore, which frankly seems like a better use of the space than a million different styles of bunkroom.

[Dave]

MELDOWN

Mel Smith guest-stars as a depressed simulant.

[Dave]

MELTBROWN

Kryten cooks Lister a tuna and cheese melt but leaves it in the Breville for too long.

[Dave]

BELTDOWN

After Lister goes on a diet and loses some weight, his trousers become loose and keep falling down at inopportune moments.

[Author]

Replies