Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

HAMILLE

When Kryten responds to an SOS call from a derelict, he is amazed to discover that the ship contains a delicious-looking juicy ham. However, upon bringing it on board Starbug, he is confused by Rimmer congratulating him on retrieving such a lovely pair of gammon steaks. Things get even more complicated when Lister, mouth watering, displays excitement at Kryten and Rimmer having brought back such a tasty-looking pack of bacon.

Ultimately they all work out that it’s a porcine-meat-pleasure-GELF and sigh in disappointment. Cat, however, is excited to see what type of pork product he will perceive, only to find himself staring at himself in a pig costume.

Kryten nevertheless maintains that he is going to cook his giant ham and eat it. Unfortunately just as he gets it out of the oven a BEGG gobbles it up and promptly chokes to death.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

POKE ME A NIPPER

Ace Rimmer is on trial for poking young children. The crew go on a daring mission to bust him out of prison in an episode widely criticised as being worse and more socially unaware than Timewave. No-one had ever thought it possible.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STACEY’S LEAK

The crew discover a derelict and aboard, a heavily pregnant woman who has survived alone against all the odds. Cat can’t help but stare at her leaky boob stains on her top. Kryten creates a wildly inappropriate banner about her waters breaking and Rimmer in first in line to offer to deliver the baby, the creep, before fainting as soon as he gets a peek.

Lister meanwhile opens his beer on the break mechanism of her hospital bed, sending her rolling at speed towards the airlock …

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

OUTOFDENTALFLOSS

In an episode reminiscent of Ouroboros, the crew meet and alternate version of themselves, including Kochanski. Unfortunately as she plummets to her death in the dark void, Lister realised he has run out of dental floss, losing her forever.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

JIVE AND BAKE

The crew visit the 50s rock and roll bar on K deck and get stoned.

[Warbodog]

ROSIE AND PARANOIA

Remake of the 1990s children’s series, with the ragdoll Jim being replaced by Lee Cornes as Paranoia. Rosie tries her best to have an educational adventure about bread making while ignoring Paranoia’s crippling put-downs. Other times he just stares down the lens and tells the children they were accidents.

[Warbodog]

TOTS KRYTIE TV

Controversial episode of the 1990s children’s series in which Tom and Tiny secretly film Tilly in the shower and become ruthless entrepreneurs in the burgeoning French ragdoll porn niche. As there aren’t any adults around, they don’t get taught the error of their ways and grow up into monsters.

[cwickham]

CLIVE AND JAKE

Controversial remake of Adventure Time where the role of Finn is recast to Clive Anderson.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

GIVE A KICKING

The Red Dwarf posse kick the shit out of the presenters of popular Saturday morning 90s children’s magazine programme.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

ZIGGY AND ZAG

Ziggy from Timewave finds new life as a part of a puppet due on Channel 4s 90s morning show, The Big Breakfast.

[Dave]

WAITING FOR GODYSWAP

When Rimmer discovers another old Cat Priest living in the hold, he uses the bodyswap machine to steal his body. Unfortunately, the priest was so old that Rimmer promptly dies.

Lister is a bit confused when a person who looks like Rimmer returns to the sleeping quarters, speaking in a different voice and babbling on about golden sausages and donuts, but decides it’s preferable to him going on about Risk and Hammond Organs, so leaves him to it, and the pair have a much improved relationship from then on.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THANKS FOR WAITING FOR GOD IT’S FRIDAY

Chris Evans is discovered in the hold hosting a Friday evening entertainment show for the last of the cat people as they slowly die of old age, sure they will finally meet Cloister in the afterlife. The crew decide to wipe their minds to forget about the bizarre and frankly disturbing encounter … but who completed Lister’s jigsaw puzzle?

[Dave]

COUTURE ECHOES

Lister and Rimmer have visions of each other dressed in unusual fashions from many different eras.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CHANGING BROOMS

Kryten and Butler are joined by Handy Andy and Carol Smiley to swap brooms for the day and give them a make over.

Butler’s upgrades for Kryten are astonishingly advanced – despite the over use of MDF, whilst Kryten simply adds a few tassels. Butler is understandably upset and storms off to cry in Carol’s arms

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THUMBS UNDER THE HAMMER

The debt collector from Better Than Life goes around breaking the thumbs of people who can’t pay their mortgage in this light hearted day time TV show that shows the REAL reason people are auctioning their homes.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TIME TEAM WAVE

Tony Robinson and the gang are swept 3 million years into the future and find themselves aboard Red Dwarf. At the first planet they come across they start digging only to find the mass grave of several hundred BEGGs that choked to death. This unsettles the team who ask to be sent back to the 21st century immediately.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SONGS OF PSIRENS

A small village church in rural England find themselves under attack from creatures intent on luring them into the fields to suck out their brains.

[Dave]

THE ANTIQUES RED SHOW

When Fiona Bruce steps through a time-hole and ends up on Red Dwarf, the crew immediately ask her to value everything on board, even though she’s not one of the experts or anything.

Correctly guessing that every single object is around three million years old, Bruce concludes that everything is effectively worthless given that meaningful notions of currency and monetary value died out with the extinction of the human race.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MATCH OF THE LAST DAY

Gary Lineker finds himself commentating and analysing highlights of The Last Day is what is widely agreed was a poor use of budget for the DVD extras.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

POSTMAN CAT

Having realised he has wasted his life, Cat decides to change attitudes and becomes the ships postman. It’s an easy gig as there is never any post to deliver – surely not ANOTHER postpod can arrive? – and he promptly declares the change of direction to be the best decision he has made, before going for a nap.

[Dave]

DIY SOS

Fans complain that Rimmer shouldn’t have been able to operate the radio to send the Mayday signal in Marooned due to his hologrammatic status. Meanwhile, a BEGG has trouble putting up a shelf, a problem that pales into insignificance when he chokes to death.

[Dave]

BEGGAIN HUNT

David Dickinson, armed to the teeth with a pair of bazookoids, two forks and a pencil sharpener, must track down and kill a BEGG before it kills itself by choking to death. “What a right bobby dazzler,” the perma-tanned self-styled wideboy mockney wheeler-dealer prick intones.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

PETE WINS PRIZES

The crew enter Dinosaur Pete in to a Saturday night game show hosted by Dale Winton. He eats all the other contestants and shits everywhere before being declared the winner.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

FOREVER RED DWARF

In an anniversary special, every Red Power Ranger teams up with the crew of the Dwarf to bring the BEGG empire to it’s knees. Unfortunately it’s a wasted trip as the BEGGs die in strange, but ultimately explainable circumstances.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

KRYTIETUBBIES

Upon having his initial exam after boarding the newly reconstructed Red Dwarf, Kryten is mistaken for a TellyTubbie and is forced to live out his days on a grass knoll with 4 obnoxiously happy aliens obsessed with toast and who worship a baby faced sun.

[cwickham]

RED DWARF XI II

The Dwarfers arrive in a version of America where Donald Trump was elected president, but was killed by a karma drive. However, Lister needs a new kidney, so they bio-print a version of Donald Trump to harvest the kidneys from. Trump has a mid-life crisis then turns out to be a polymorph.

[Warbodog]

²ME²YOU

Inappropriate episode of Chucklevision in which Barry accidentally clones himself while trying to make lemonade. Paul initially delights in having two simpletons to manipulate into doing the heavy lifting for him, but when their combined incompetence causes all sorts of expensive calamities, he orders that one of the Barries must be put to death by lethal injection, which he promptly administers after a round off ippy-dippy. The child audience is never given closure over which Barry remains.

[Dave]

THE ‘X’ FILES

Mulder and Scully investigate cases including a quantum spaceship, a man who is his own father, a computer that can predict your next move, a ‘second Jesus’ who was obsessed with lemons, bio-engineered lifeforms that choke to death on command, and racist vending machines.

[bloodteller]

RED DWARF KNIGHT

in celebration of red dwarf’s 10th anniversary, a knight escapes from the AR machine and kills rimmer

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

EMO HAWK

The crew find a large predatory bird that really enjoys listening to My Chemical Romance and Bullet For My Valentine.

[Dave]

EMO HAWKS

The crew discover that the host of Better Than Life, the compere from Backwards Earth, and Caligula all really enjoy listening to My Chemical Romance and Bullet For My Valentine.

[Dave]

JUSTICE?

When a BEGG trains his pet dog to respond to anti-Semitic slurs and nazi catchphrases, then makes a video about it and puts it on YouTube, the crew of Red Dwarf uhms and ahs over how, and indeed whether, to punish him for his actions.

Luckily for them, fate intervenes.

[Dave]

TIMESLURS

The crew of Red Dwarf use mutated developing fluid to travel back in time to their favourite pubs and get hammered.

[Dave]

MELLORFORM

The crew of Red Dwarf crash on a psy-moon, the landscape of which has been entirely shaped by the psyche of Chelsea-shirt-wearing toe-sucking enthusiast David Mellor. Eurgh.

[cwickham]

BACK IN THE RED

The Dwarfers all become antisemites.

[Dave]

BACK IN JUDGE DREDD

Unseen epilogue to DNA in which ‘man-plus’ Lister starts riding around on his stupid space trike, bazookoid in hand, and dispensing justice by killing perps (blowing up skutters) in trademark Mega-City One fashion.

Meanwhile Sylvester Stallone and Karl Urban cameo as vending machine repairmen.

[cwickham]

BACK IN THE TED

Lister dresses up as a giant teddy bear, but gets stuck inside the costume. It turns out this is not the first time this has happened.

[cwickham]

BACK IN THE BED

Lister goes to sleep again.

[cwickham]

CACK IN THE BED

Lister shits himself in his sleep.

[cwickham]

RACK IN THE BED

Lister aims to go to bed, but a Medieval torture device is already in it.

[cwickham]

TACK IN THE BED

Rimmer puts a tack in Lister’s bed. Hilarity ensues.

[bloodteller]

THANKS FOR THE RICE

after rimmer tries a triple egg fried rice chilli chutney sandwich, lister gives rimmer 8 months of his rice as a present.

[bloodteller]

…DOOG EHT YLNO

The space freighter Hermes has been repaired by a corrosively positive microbe. An escape pod from the ship heads towards Red Dwarf, but it is revealed the microbe has also been brought on board as the pod slowly undissolves.

Now sometime into their prison sentence, the posse have been put on probation for good behaviour. Frank Hollister is attending to Captain Rimmer who is behaving rather strangely. Rimmer dismisses Hollister as a “shambles” and dismisses him as Talia enters. To cheer himself up Hollister attempts to legally purchase some chocolate from a vending machine, only for the choccy nut bar to not come out of the dispensing slot.

Meanwhile, back in The Tank, Selby complains to Chen and Todhunter that his probation work involves a lot of metal. It turns out he has to take all the heavy metal albums off the PA system. As Selby leaves, Chen tells Todhunter that he is changing Karen Newton’s calendar as she had earlier complained to him that it was the “wrong time of the month”. Realising what’s going on, Todhunter gives Chen some genuinely well-meaning and helpful advice on how to behave.

Later, in Hollister and Todhunter’s cell, they discover that as a thank-you gift for his wonderful advice, Chen has given the both of them a lovely crate of red wine. Unfortunately they’re both teetotal and must dispose of the wine before they are compelled to drink it. Luckily Warden Kryten comes in and confiscates it as part of cell inspection.

Embarassed by this faux pas, the posse attempt to escape only to discover the microbe repairing the ship. They point out this is more or less a really good thing, and continue with their escape, fleeing on a Starbug. The End? The Smeg It Isn’t.

[Dave]

PSENNA

The crew of Red Dwarf are unwittingly led into a trap when they receive a message from a mysterious unknown source urging them to comment on the anniversary of the death of Ayrton Senna. Bewildered by the unusual context of such a request but seeking to be respectful, they attempt to engage with the sender of the message, only to realise that by responding, they played into his hands: that the simple provocation of a response to the nonsensical message was all the sender wanted, all along. They therefore end up dashed on the rocky surface of an asteroid with their brains being sucked out through a straw. Or the messageboard equivalent thereof.

[Pete Part Three]

FANNY THREAD & SHITE ON

Lister signs up to the ship’s intranet forum and posts a thread about Kochanski’s foaming twat. Unfortunately, the thread is swiftly derailed by a mad man posting a load of shite about dead celebrities, which has no relevance to the topic at hand. Meanwhile, NO.

[cwickham]

BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS

Backwards Forwards Backwards Forwards Backwards, but played forwards. Considered a work not fully appreciated in its time.

[cwickham]

THE PETE AND THE PENDULUM

The second half of Grant Naylor Productions’ master copy of Pete (Part Two) is accidentally taped over with an episode of One Foot in the Grave.

[cwickham]

WAITING FOR GOD

An episode of the 1990s sitcom starring Graham Crowden and Stephanie Cole is broadcast instead of the fourth episode of Red Dwarf due to a mix-up over the titles, finally vindicating BBC Video.

[cwickham]

OUT OF TIMEWAVESLIDES

Lister’s holiday snaps from 23rd century Earth don’t wash up on a timewave, so he still doesn’t have them.

[cwickham]

CAN OF LEMONS

The Cat has sex with Jesus.

[Author]

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