Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STASIS LINK

The crew use a faulty stasis booth to travel back in time and try and convince Link to go into suspended animation, but he isn’t having any of it because he has to save Princess Zelda. AGAIN!

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

PAC TO REALITY

The crew wake up to discover they are actually the four ghosts in the computer game Pac-Man and instinctively start chasing him around the screen trying to catch him.

Thankfully Holly is on hand to wake them up before Pac-Man eats them having just popped some pills.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK IN THE RED DEAD REDEMPTION

After the nano-bots re-grow Lister a new arm, he can’t wait to continue playing his favourite computer game. It just isn’t the same with Kryten doing all the action buttons whilst he navigates.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STOKE ME A KIRBY

Kirby approaches Rimmer in the hopes that he’ll succeed him when he dies.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

LEMMINGS

After accidentally using the rejuvenation shower to send themselves back to 23 AD, the crew must first track down some Lemmings to build them a bridge from Albion to mainland Europe before they can continue on their quest to find a make shift power source for their shower remote control.

This scares Rimmer as he still hasn’t quite gotten over the incident with having to bash his pet lemmings brain out when he was bitten as a child.

[Dave]

PETE FIGHTER II

Ryu and Ken eat a curry and shit everywhere.

[Dave]

GTA

After Kryten uses a transmogrification machine to turn himself into a nondescript Eastern European stereotype, he constantly hassles Lister about wanting to go bowling.

[Dave]

3-DIMENSION JUMP

Lister insists that all the Sonic the Hedgehog games from Sonic Adventure onwards are crap.

[Dave]

PORTAL KOMBAT

Kryten wonders who would win if a Time Hole and a White Hole occupied the same area of space.

[Dave]

OUTRUN OF TIME

Lister can never get to the end of the race before the clock runs out.

[bloodteller]

BAXTERWARDS- the crew encounter a dimension where baxter runs backwards. he inadvertedly trips over and is left dangling precariously over a chasm. the cat acts like hes going to save him but at the last minute lets go of his hand and baxter falls to his death. cat claims it was revenge for when baxter stole his lunch. lister says “fair enough”.

[Dave]

RED EASTER

Kryten’s vocabulary chip malfunctions, meaning that on Easter Sunday he prepares the crew a huge selection of chocolate BEGGs. Unfortunately a real BEGG blunders in and eats them all before promptly choking to death. He is resurrected and turns out to be Jesus, but in an amusing misunderstanding, not *the* Jesus, just some BEGG called Jesus who was brought back to life by the DNA machine. His resurrection also does not make him immortal, meaning it’s not long before he chokes to death again.

[cwickham]

BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS

Backwards Forwards Backwards Forwards Backwards Forwards, but played backwards. Thought to be an improvement on the original.

[Dave]

FUTURE EGGOES

Lister gets a glimpse of the Easter Eggs he’s going to get next year.

[cwickham]

FUTURE BIG EGGOES

A copy of the first ever edition of The Beano arrives through a time hole.

[cwickham]

ONLY THE GOOFY…

Doug decides to write a crossover with Disney, but can only get the rights to one character.

[cwickham]

BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS

This joke gets reused again too soon.

[cwickham]

DIBBLEYOCRACY

An election is held to decide who does the best Dibbley impression, using the wigs and false teeth from “Back in the Red”. The studio audience get to vote on it too, but all refuse to do so out of disgust and the episode ends with the matter unresolved.

[Warbodog]

TARRANT ON KRYTIE TV

When Krytie TV is upscaled for Blu-ray, it’s revealed that one of the showering extras is none other than Chris “Is That Your Final Answer?” Tarrant, largely obscured by foam but now unmistakable in high definition. A fan discovers this accidentally when pausing the scene to have a wank.

[Warbodog]

IT’S ONLY KRYTIE TV… BUT I LIKE IT

Panel quiz show unusually devoted exclusively to one shit episode of Red Dwarf. Presented by Jonathan Ross with team captains Julian Clary and Jack Dee (series 1), replaced by Phill Jupitus from series 2-4.

[Warbodog]

KRYTIE ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSUWXYZ

It’s just a title.

[Dave]

KRYTIE VT

In this heavily Kryten-based episode, the live studio audience is disappointed to learn that all of Robert Llewellyn’s scenes are pre-recorded, leaving them with only three minutes of actual performance from the rest of the cast.

[Warbodog]

KRYTIE FM

Kryten’s less successful radio franchise, broadcasting the soundtrack of women’s shower night with descriptive narration by Frazer Hines.

[Warbodog]

KRY ‘HAVOC!’, AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR TIE TV

Unconvincing attempt to make Krytie TV more high-brow by having Ackerman randomly quote Shakespeare every now and then like the eyepatch Klingon in Star Trek VI.

[Dave]

CHAI TEA TV

Krytie TV starts including product-placement sponsorship deals with Twinings.

[bloodteller]

TARRANT ON KRYTIE TV- PART 2

the blonde bastard with the limp from the first episode of Blakes 7 sneaks into the shower scene and shits everywhere

[Dave]

KRAY TEE TV

Kryten travels back in time to play a round of golf with the Kray twins, secretly films it, and charges golf-starved criminal-loving prisoners exorbitant amounts to watch it.

[Pete Part Three]

KRYTIE STD

Archie learns he has contacted gonorrhea, and has to contact his previous sexual partners to advise them to get checked out. The studio audience finds this all hilarious, and perfectly fitting for an episode of Red Dwarf. Robert Llewellyn describes it as “some of the best Red Dwarf ever made”, and Chris Barrie declares it a “True return to form”. The media agrees when it makes it to air. Then everyone revises their opinions and declares it “a pile of shite” about 18 months later.

[Warbodog]

KRYTIE PEE-WEE

As Kryten’s shower livestream begins in earnest, the prison cinema is stunned into silence. But who’s that shuffling and giggling at the back? It’s this week’s special guest star, kids’ TV presenter and public masturbator Paul “Pee-wee Herman” Reubens, up to his old tricks in an appearance that makes as much cultural sense to UK viewers as the Barney references in Pete. He presumably says some kind of catchphrase when he finishes.

[Dave]

KRYTIE TT

Kryten and Lister go down to the cargo decks and draw a big outline of the Isle of Man on the floor in chalk, then race Kryten’s stupid space-bike and Lister’s stupid space-trike around it until one of them crashes.

[Warbodog]

CRICHTIE TV

Bruce D. Arthurs adds a second writing credit to his IMDb page when he sells a suspiciously familiar script to Farscape in the early 2000s.

[cwickham]

KRAY KRAY TV

Kryten has a mental breakdown, which is broadcast live to everyone on board Red Dwarf.

[Dave]

KP TV

A new product-placement sponsorship deal leads Kryten’s quarters to literally smell like the inside of a packet of dry-roasted peanuts.

[cwickham]

KP TV PART TWO

Kevin Pietersen shows up, and proceeds to shit everywhere.

[cwickham]

ENBANGLED

Doug thinks the original version of the episode might not have been clear enough, so this time Cat and Kryten are physically tied together with bangles.

[cwickham]

GRIMEWAVE

Grime becomes really popular on board Red Dwarf, but Kryten gets really annoyed when it turns out to be a genre of music.

[Pete Part Three]

HOLYMORPH

Morph from Hartbeat announces he’s decided to become a priest. Chas takes the piss out of him, until a big pair of hands descend from the sky and fashion a female out of some clay. Meanwhile, something about Red Dwarf, I guess.

[cwickham]

EPIDEME REMASTERED

The hitherto unmentioned second Epideme virus, which was much less intelligent than the first, turns out to have stowed away in the Cat. This explains why he doesn’t do anything in Series VIII.

[cwickham]

BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS

Backwards Forwards Backwards Forwards Backwards Forwards Backwards Forwards, but by this point nobody’s sure which direction it’s meant to be played in.

[cwickham]

BUTTER BREAD THEN SMEG

Lister makes himself a frugal meal, then goes to the toilet.

[cwickham]

SPUTTER BED BAN REG

Rimmer sputters the words “bed ban reg”. Nobody is sure what he means, and decide to cart him off to an insane asylum.

[bloodteller]

FUTURE ECHOES PART 2

holly takes his “brown trousers” remark literally this time, and effortlessly shits everywhere

[bloodteller]

KRISPIES TV

twenty six minutes of cat licking up rice krispies like he does in series one

[bloodteller]

BEAT THE LEAK

a stasis leak is discovered on floor 16, so the posse attempt to fight back by challenging it to a fairly good quiz game starring norman lovett and hattie hayridge. the leak gets all 50 questions right and it is rewarded with shit minigames

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

PEAT PART 1

Kryten uses the time wand to devolve a peat bog. Given the Peat Bogs haven’t ever really evolved this has no serious consequences.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

PEAT PART 2

The peat bog Kryten tried to devolve but couldn’t has made a terrible mess in the cargo bay, and ruined a lot of the really nice food the captain likes, so he orders them to clean it up.

Kryten naturally loves this and the episode ends on a happy note of him whistling a jaunty tunes whilst he mops.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BEAT THE PETE

An entertaining DVD quiz hosted by Norman and Hattie whereby fans of the show Red Dwarf go head to head with Pete the Sparrow, Pete the Dinosaur, Peterson, Peter Wragg and Peter Dinklage.

No explanation is ever given as to why any of it.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

PETE MENTION JUMP

A fan of the show attempts to mention Pete as many times as possible in a forum thread dedicated to episode ideas based on topical puns.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

PETEOCRACY

The posse hold a vote to declare who the best Pete is. The winner is never revealed.

[cwickham]

VERTICALWARDS

The Dwarfers arrive in a world where the vertical hold is stuck.

[Author]

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