Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[cwickham]

Fuck my arse we’re on the second Punmen of the Apocalypse suggestion

[Dave]

PUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE II: EMOHAWK

[bloodteller]

GAMMAWORLD

rimmer gets trapped on a planet where the brightness settings are all fucked

[bloodteller]

HAMMERWORLD

rimmer gets trapped on a planet and does some DIY to pass the time. he is about to nail some shingles in but ends up hammering his thumb. this doesnt matter because the shingles have gotten all stuck to his legs like in the simpsons movie

[bloodteller]

TUNA MEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

the posse use the DNA machine to turn cat into a tuna. he gets eaten by a big sea beast though because there is always a bigger fish

[Warbodog]

BOVIMORPH

Chris Veale evolves into Chris Beefe.

[Warbodog]

BSE, SSC

Chris Veale breaks the world land speed record and goes insane.

[bloodteller]

M-SCORPIO

Red Dwarf is taken over by Globex Corporation. This changes nothing other than they all get three weeks paid vacation each year, and on Fridays the lunchroom serves hotdogs and burgers and beer. They love German beer!

[Warbodog]

SABRINA MULHOLLAND-JJONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE

Sabrina Mulholland-Jjones makes it to the grail chamber and chooses as poorly as ever.

[bloodteller]

STOKE ME A CLIPSHOW

ace rimmer travels to a dimension which is mostly comprised of various clips from previous episodes linked together by some uninteresting and mirthless narration that drags on for fucking ages. he quickly gets sick of it and leaves.

that dimension’s name? Back In The Red Part 3.

[Dave]

DRAW FRED

When Red Dwarf’s ship designation gets scrambled, it leads Lister and Cat to compete over who can produce the best illustration of the Flintstones.

[cwickham]

M-CRISP

Gary Lineker arrives from a parallel universe to discover why all crisps have become invisible.

[Dave]

M-CRAP

After an upgrade to the ship’s computer, Lister’s voice-activated toilet becomes invisible. He therefore has to roughly guess where to aim, leading the sleeping quarters to quickly become awash with human effluence.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MMM-BOP

The crew investigate why boy band Hanson have arrived on board ship but are invisible, and insist on singing their hit single repeatedly, to the annoyance of everyone.

Not guest staring Hanson

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MMM-CORE

Lister discovers he really likes eating the cores of apples, but realises this is a bit weird, so opts to turn himself invisible to the rest of the crew whenever he does so …rather than, you know, just leaving the room or whatever.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK ON THE RED

Kochanski gets her period … oh wait, that’s one already isn’t it!

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CAMILLE TOE

Kochanski’s underwear bunches in a way to make her vagina look like a big green blobby gelf, leading to Kryten getting a double polaroid.

[Dave]

CAMILLE PARKER BOWLES

When the crew of Red Dwarf accidentally beams Prince Charles on board, the ship’s resident pleasure-GELF must assume a new form.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

DAVID CAMILLERON

A political-GELF assumes the form a ex UK Prime Minister David Cameron, and promptly leads the ship into a referendum that splits the crew and sees them inexplicably voting to leave the Jupiter Mining Corporation, (because what have the JMC ever done for us anyway and these space corp directives really stop us from doing anything we want anyway so whats the point), which means abandoning ship and floating in space briefly before they die a horrible death.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

M-CORBYN

Jeremy Corbyn beams aboard Red Dwarf, and makes anything not state owned invisible. Which, is everything. The rest of the series is filmed against a black back drop and nothing else, calling into question the set budget for the series.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BROWN, TROUSERS TIME

Gordon Brown spends 28mins trying on different pairs of trousers, with the Cat perpetually criticising his choices.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

OBAMAROUS

The crew encounter a rip in the fabric of space time that leads them to meet Barack Obama, later revealing that Obama is in fact Lister’s father.

[Dave]

THE LAST MAY

David Cameron is disappointed to learn that he has become obsolete and will be replaced. But when his clearly-insane successor arrives, everyone around her conspires to stop her achieving her goal at every turn. Finally her brain melts when someone reveals to her the unpalatable truth that a good Brexit deal does not exist.

[Dave]

TERRORTRUMP

When the US president lands on a planet that moulds itself to reflect his psyche, the results are deeply unpleasant.

[Dave]

OUROBORIS

Boris Johnson travels back in time, and writes loads of bullshit articles for the Spectator about how terrible the EU is, thus helping to create a political landscape that will ultimately lead to his prominence as a high-profile Brexiter. But with Boris continually going round and round in space and time, the UK can never truly leave the EU.

[cwickham]

C-CORBYN

Jeremy Corbyn is called the C-word.

[Dave]

SPACE CORB DIRECTIVE

JMC is nationalised.

[bloodteller]

SPACE COB DIRECTIVES

Alternate version of the JMC rulebook created specifically for dimensions made out of corn.

[Dave]

SPACE CARB DIRECTIVE

Lister has to cut down on chip butties.

[flanl3]

SPACE CHORDS SELECTION

The long-awaited sequel to the Series VI DVD extra “Settling the Score”.

[Dave]

SPICE CORIANDER ACTIVE

Lister adds some green leaves that taste like soap to the top of his curry.

[MaxPunk57]

I’ve got a brilliant idea for a Red Dwarf Episode!

“Rip-Off, Smeg-Off” Or “Bootlegged”

The Dwarfers have finally managed to recover Holly, While that’s happening they discover a giant mining ship that looks exactly like Red Dwarf only better. But its not from a Parallel Universe! It turns out that the other Red Dwarf was made in the USA! Holly explains that during when the Jupiter Mining Corperation was making Red Dwarf, US Spies have stolen some blueprints from the company. If they didn’t steal any of the blueprints, Red Dwarf would’ve looked like the much longer shaped one from The Remastered Series 1-3 and series 8! So the whole “considerable cutbacks” was just a cover up to avoid any serious problems like wars. However even though the US one looks better on the outside, they’ve barely managed to salvage any useful blueprints on the inside, so basically The US Red Dwarf ship is even more of a rust bucket than the UK one. ( A sort of in-joke about how the US Pilots are really crap in comparison)

When they meet the US crew, The UK Dwarfers are shocked to see how unrealistic the US Dwafers are. Being all clean and more handsome looking and completely full of themselves, the sort-of typical American heros like: “Look at me! Here I come to save the day! I’m doing this for the ‘merican Dream, Watch out commies! To Infinity and Beyond~ Etc etc etc.” And The US Dwarfers are just as shocked to see how UK ones just sit around, lying down and talking with no responsibility to do.

Example;

US Lister: So what you guys do? Save Planets? Stop villains, Have exciting advertures?

UK Lister: …Well nowadays we just sit down, have a laugh, while eating curry with a side of Lager.

US Lister: I see…um…anything else amazing?

UK Lister: Oh yeah! Yesterday I was so bored that I flinged some of my boogies at Rimmers hair, I missed a couple times, most went into his coffee cup!

US Lister: *gives a disgusted uncomfortable look*…Uh…I’m gonna go and talk to the rest of the Crew if that’s alright…*he says slowly inching away from the UK Lister*.

[bloodteller]

SPACED CORPS DIRECTIVES

Kryten finds an obsure clause in the JMC rulebook that clearly states all registered crewmembers have to watch a quite good early 2000s sitcom staring Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson. And after they’ve all watched it, whenever someone mentions Babylon 5 they all have to annoyingly shout “Babylon 5’s a big pile of shit!” and the audience have to all go “EYYYYYYYY”. By the fourth time everyone is sick of this

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SPACE CARP DIRECTIVES

The boys from the Dwarf come across an ocean moon that is the home to a civilisation of intergalactic space carp, with their own rules that the crew must follow or be subject to the fishy equivalent of a court marshal.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SPACE CORP DIGESTIVES

Lister finds a create of space corp biscuit rations in an unexplored corner of one of the lower cargo bays, and promptly goes to put the kettle on.

[Dave]

SPRUCE CROP DEFECTIVES

Lister tries – and fails – to grow some Christmas trees.

[cwickham]

TRUE DIRECTIVE

Jake Bullet goes around Louisiana in pursuit of people who get Space Corp Directives mixed up.

[Moonlight]

SPUD COP DEFECTORS

Jake Bullet arrests Rimmer and Lister for peeling potatoes with a programmable virus. Unfortunately, they move to Russia before the trial.

[Moonlight]

THANKS FOR THE MARMITE

Rimmer becomes obsessed with the idea of tracking down a single person in Earth’s history who enjoyed the taste of marmite. His impossible search continues. Meanwhile, Kryten’s rich uncle Steam Shovel dies and leaves him a ten million dollarpound haunted mansion, but only on the condition he spend a single night within its accursed walls.

[cwickham]

TRURO DIRECTIVE

Rimmer makes a list of all the Space Corps directives that concern Cornwall.

[Dave]

SPAMMER

When Kryten’s invents the Quantum Spammer, Rimmer uses it to travel to infinite parallel messageboards and post topics like ‘Education’, ‘Business Center’ and ‘Shopping Jewellery’.

[Warbodog]

LEWISPOWELLYMORPH

A genetically engineered spambot is able to shift seamlessly between promoting completely unrelated brands under the same username.

[flanl3]

URUOBOARUSS

The users on a Red Dwarf fansite struggle to spell the name of Series VII’s defining episode correctly even once.

[Bargain Bin Holly]

OUR ROB OR ROSS

At Dimension Jump XX, Doug Naylor announces a fan poll that shall choose who will co-write Series XIII with him. Rob Grant or a man named Ross. Hilarity ensues.

[Bargain Bin Holly]

BACK ON THE RACK PART III

Lecturer Rimmer mentally and physically abuses the Rimmer boys

[Bargain Bin Holly]

BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOUR

Lister’s wet dream involving Rimmer, extended into 30 minutes

[tombow]

INNOCENCE AND CORRUPTION

Kryten tells the crew they have passed into a place where 2 black holes have produced the most innocent and corrupt beings in the universe. And they are about to board the ship.

(interrupts Lister who is smoking cigarettes, as Rimmer complains while tapping on a laptop. “Rimmer you’re a hologram it can’t make you cough”. “yes but it’s the principle of the thing isn’t it? How am I supposed to enjoy this game of Command and Conquer with your common fag smoke around me. Did Napoleon have this when he planned Waterloo, did Ceaser have this when he tamed the barbarians?”

The innocence is Mr Blobby, and the corrupt is Noel Edmonds. “just how corrupt are you bud?” “Well last night I…” Noel beckons all 4 of them to hear his whisper. Lister goes cross eyed, Cat runs away to vomit and Rimmer just nods and smiles.

later – ” the only thing that can defeat him sir is something even more corrupt and rotten than he is. suggest that curry down the back of your bunk”

[bloodteller]

BLUE-RAY

Lister finds himself missing Rimmer again so Kryten makes a Blu-Ray of the first eight series of the show to remind him of all the great times they had together. However Kryten doesn’t really make a proper announcement so Lister is left uncertain as to whether it will really come out and why it has taken so long for Kryten to make a press release about it. Ultimately it doesn’t matter because Blu-Rays are shit anyway

[tombow]

PERSONA AND POPULARITY

Sick of the other 2 getting cheers every time they turn into Ace or Duane, Lister and Kryten try to come up with funny alternate personas that will become just as iconic. Lister tries a camp drag queen (“I’m a lady) while Kryten experiments with various ethnic stereotypes.

[tombow]

CONSENT AND COMPREHENSION

bored of pig racing and lady boxing videos, the guys wander down to the library. Rimmer ends up reading a pile of classic feminist books like Germaine Greer and Bell Hooks, and realises he took advantage of Yvonne McGruder. He checks the space corps book on sex crimes on ship, and realises he has to put himself in stasis for 6 years. Being such a stickler for the rules, he does so.

[Author]

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