Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[bloodteller]

THE LAST DAMON

matt damon is resurrected by the nanobots but due to interruptions in the molecular process he is left with only 24 hours to live. the posse decide to spend this time fruitfully by telling him they have never actually seen any of his films and he might be quite handsome but they don’t like his voice. damon’s disappointment is immeasurable and his day is ruined. with only seconds left to live dispenser 23 slips a cup of tea under his door which brings him a brief instance of feeling liked in his final moments. he passes away happy in the knowledge that somebody cared about him

[Bargain Bin Holly]

CAN OF COLD SHOWERS

The gang share sex stories, the Cat excuses himself early-on

[Bargain Bin Holly]

KILL THE M-CORP

Crossover episode with Doctor Who

M-Corp has purchased copyright for the moon, however demand a refund when it turns out to be a giant egg

[Bargain Bin Holly]

COCKROCRACY

Lister lands on Garbage World and encounters the giant cockroaches, he proceeds to run for election as Cockroach President against incumbent Bob the Cockroach

[Bargain Bin Holly]

NORMANARCHY

Fed up with the show, Norman Lovett slams his testicles on the camera and starts reciting his lines. Unlucky for him Doug couldn’t tell the difference and uses it in the final cut.

[cwickham]

THE LAST BRAY

Lister shoots a donkey to death.

[tombow]

THANKS FOR THE RAPERY

The boys find out on TV that Yvonne McGruder left the ship on medical leave for stress, wrote a famous book about what Rimmer did to her after she hit her head, and her story was held up by the media as the ultimate example of the toxic sexual culture on Jupiter mining ships. The media also somehow got hold of clips from the future of Rimmer refusing to give Dr Irene E her clothes back and talking Kochanski into bed in Series 8. Using Rimmer as a global symbol of sexual assault, the Jupiter Mining Co was forced to overhaul all it’s practices, and Rimmer’s name has over centuries become the term for sexual assault “he rimmered me”.

Rimmer can’t see what the fuss is about. “Great armies have plundered women for millennia. Quite frankly, if it was good enough for the vikings, the mongol, and the hun, it’s darn well good enough for me matey”.

WAITING FOR HOGG

The boys find out that the admin deck was preserved in stasis/nanobots, and it contains David Brent, Gareth and Tim.

RACISTWORLD

the ship passes through a black hole that makes imagination come true while Rimmer watches a WW2 film and a planet of racists comes to fight them. They want to whip Cat and he cries because “stripes are vertical this year”

[Dave]

NOT POODLE

Ever since the events of ‘Marooned’ Lister has developed a secret addiction to dog food, which Rimmer discovers one morning when he walks in on Lister attempting to lick his own testicles.

Despite Rimmer trying to dissuade him from working his way through the ship’s stocks of Pedigree Chum – and Cesar on special occasions – Lister persists in eating it for each and every meal, even though he is demonstrably not a dog.

Finally, Rimmer strikes on the perfect solution: he constructs a dog-food-flavoured Pot Noodle and serves it to Lister, which immediately puts him off dog food for life.

[tombow]

O-RAPE-ORUS

Rimmer goes back in time to sexually assault himself

[Dave]

PACK IN THE THREAD

When a forum poster on G&T keeps conspicuously shoehorning the subject of rape into the usually light-hearted ‘idea for an episode’ thread, everyone else wonders whether it’s time to give the whole thing up as a bad job.

[tombow]

12 SMEGS FOR LIFE

Lister’s old drinking buddy Petersen is revealed to be Canadian psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson, who came up with his self help program to stop people turning out like Dave Lister. He visits the ship, and hears Rimmer joking about Ace wearing women’s underwear and Lister’s ex being really a man, which causes him to look at Rimmer in concern.

[tombow]

LAUGHTER ECHOES

Lister and Rimmer are marooned together with an old dvd tape of Back to Earth, they spend the whole episode arguing about whether the original broadcast should have had audience laughter. Lister points out that the cast keep doing sitcom pauses after every line, which causes Rimmer to smirk and roll his eyes.

[tombow]

THE END

Lister finds out that every sci fi show set in space ever made gets cancelled early because Patrick Stewart sues them all.

Farscape? Dead. Andromeda? Dead. Not Nu-Battlestar Galactica? Babylon 5? Dead. Firefly? Holly, did he spare Firefly? Dead. Dave, every show is dead.

[bloodteller]

THANKS FOR THE HAM, EMMONY

director of Series VI Andy DeEmmony timeleaps back to 1988 and redubs all of Lister’s lines in the third episode of Series II with the many instances of Craig saying “HAM!!!” from the Cast Commentary. highlights include- “LISTER: It’s the ham simulation suite.” and “LISTER: But, I mean, she wanted you to have a ham.”

[Dave]

Shurely (HAM) SHANKS FOR DE EMMONY

[tombow]

NEW ADVENTURES IN WIFI 2 – E-BOW THE SMEGGER

The boys get marooned and listen to Peter Buck’s new solo album

[Dave]

APPROPRIATION JUMP

The crew of Red Dwarf read an article on the Guardian website accusing Ace Rimmer of cultural appropriation when he affected a cod-Jamaican accent when singing Rastabilly Skank to keep Lister’s spirits up.

They stroke their beards and nod approvingly.

[Dave]

RASTABILLY SKANKS FOR THE MEMORY

Lister enjoys listening to the new Rastabilly Skank album so much that he wipes his memory of it so he can listen to it for the first time again.

[Dave]

THE RAST DAY

Lister spends a solid 24 hours listening to Rastabilly Skank.

[Dave]

RASTABILLY DOYLE

Rimmer wakes up to discover that his whole life has been an elaborate total-immersion videogame, and he is in fact the half-brother of Lister’s favourite musician.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

RASTAFORM

Lister crashes on a psy-moon which terrorforms itself into a reggae festival.

[tombow]

yes sir they’ve been around – Lister monologues about the time he went on tour as a roadie for his favourite Rastabilly Skank singer and all the crazy stuff he saw.

[bloodteller]

IT’S WEDNESDAY NIGHT, IT’S AMATEUR HAM AND ORGAN RECITAL NIGHT

For seemingly no reason Rimmer decides to loudly state a list of tasty preserved meats that he owns, as well as the contents of Kryten’s freezer on B-Deck.

[tombow]

“yes sir I’ve been around” – Rimmer reveals his neurosis come from the ritual of his father the Lecturer making Rimmer and his brothers run around the college field every morning, from the 2 opposite blocks, Ganymede and Titan. His brothers would make it, but Arnie would drop with exhaustion. Rimmer starts training so he can go back in time, make the run, and finally say to his father, “From Ganymede to Titan, yes Sir I’ve been around”.

[Dave]

YES SIR I’VE BEEN ROUND

Rimmer remembers meeting his future self in Out Of Time.

[Dave]

YASSER I’VE BEEN AROUND

Deleted scene from Cured in which the crew further explore the facility and discover Yasser Arafat. However, Doug wisely realises he doesn’t have the deftness and lightness of touch necessary to deal with Israeli and Palestinian politics in an episode of Red Dwarf.

[Dave]

YUSUF I’VE BEEN AROUND

Special episode in which Cat Stevens sings the end credits.

[Dave]

YES SIR MR BEAN’S AROUND

Crossover episode guest-starring Rowan Atkinson.

[Dave]

YES SIR HAS-BEEN AROUND

William Shatner joins the crew of Red Dwarf and treats them to a rendition of his best album.

[Warbodog]

YES, A RIBENA ROUND

Lister, Selby, Chen and Petersen all suddenly get a craving for blackcurrant drink.

[tombow]

Ganymede and Whiten – intrigued by the Michael Jackson jokes of Kryten, the crew find his ancient secret bleaching clinic overrun by simulants on the moon of Ganymede.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

IT’S COMING HOME

In the final ever episode of Red Dwarf, when Earth citizens of some 3 million plus years into the future spot the famously missing Red Dwarf mining ship from the 23rd century trundle slowly into the solar system, the inhabitants spontaneously breakout into a prody of a popular 1990s football anthem.

Guest staring David Baddiel, Frank Skinner, and The Lightning Seeds

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SNEAKER TO HIDE

Tired of Kochanski constantly removing his trainers from the fridge, Lister builds a hidden compartment into the back of it, to hide his footwear from her.

[Dave]

TIKKA TOO WIDE

Farce in which Lister tries to sneak a giant curry into the sleeping quarters only to discover that the doorway is too narrow to fit it through.

[Dave]

TIKKA TO WIDE

Jonathan Ross watches Red Dwarf series VII episode 1.

[cwickham]

ANT IN THE RED

Lister discovers a parallel universe where he was put into stasis for smuggling his pet ant on board. Controversially guest starring Ant McPartlin in blackface as Mr Ant.

[cwickham]

GOAT IN THE RED

Lister discovers a parallel universe where he was put into stasis for smuggling his pet goat on board. Guest starring Brian Blessed as Mr Goat.

[cwickham]

GNAT IN THE RED

Lister discovers a parallel universe where he was put into stasis for smuggling his pet gnat on board. Guest starring Warwick Davis as Mr Gnat.

[cwickham]

CANT IN THE RED

Lister discovers a parallel universe where he was put into stasis for smuggling Brian Cant on board.

[cwickham]

GAUKE IN THE RED

Lister discovers a parallel universe where he was put into stasis for smuggling the Secretary of State for Justice on board.

[bloodteller]

OURIBENAROS

identical to Ouroboros except that scene where Kryten gets Kochanski a Ribena now starts and ends the episode in an incredibly fruity timeloop.

well, it’s not just fruity. it’s quite curranty as well.

[bloodteller]

RIBENA FOR AN EPISODE

Every G&T forum member that contributed to the “idea for an episode” thread is summoned to the offices, where they are all given a carton of delicious fruit juice. They all raise their glasses in a toast, only to be interrupted by the ever-inquisitive Jawscvmcdia asking “Would you drink a Red Dwarf Ribena…?”

[Dave]

RED BOOT

Reboot of Red Dwarf that occurs halfway through Series XIII, albeit with the same cast, production team, storyline and continuity as the series so far. In fact most people hardly realise that the series has been rebooted at all, but it definitely has.

Anyway, Lister searches the cargo decks for a pair of red boots to complete his Superman costume, but he can only find left boots. Was it an accident??

[tombow]

O-RIMMERROUS – Rimmer goes back to Earth in his childhood to face his parents and tell them he doesn’t need their approval anymore, gets a bump on the head crash landing, and they take him in as Dungo the gardener.

[tombow]

I’LL RIP HIS TIPPLES OFF – In a Discworld crossover, Lister sneaks into the house of Death to steal his drinks cabinet.

[bloodteller]

GELFBUSTERS

Bizarre Red Dwarf reboot in which the main characters are a ragtag crew of mercenaries who deal exclusively in defeating GELFs. Little do their superiors know that GELFbusting is actually really easy because all you have to do is wait around until they choke to death

[tombow]

GELFBUSTERS 2 – EMOHAWK – one of the new sassy female Dwarfers gets forced into marriage with a male gelf. He dies and then she leads the Gelfs in a long subplot exactly the same as Game of Throne’s Khalessi.

[Dave]

TOAST BUSTERS

Lister picks up a 14lb lump hammer.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

COAT DUSTERS

Kryten runs out of dusters so sneaks into Cat’s quarters and steals one of his coats which he cuts up into little squares to do the dusting with, the little prick!

[Dave]

GROSS CUSTARDS

Kryten makes some beautiful egg custards for Mr Lister to enjoy. Unfortunately Mr Lister then absent-mindedly leaves them on a radiator, in a broom cupboard, for six weeks.

[Author]

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