Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

THE JOYS FROM THE DWARF

The delight squid makes everyone feel all warm and fuzzy.

[Warbodog]

THE VICHYSSOISE FROM THE DWARF

Kryten prepares vichyssoise for their distinguished guests whom Rimmer is attempting to deceitfully impress. Having long ago committed the cold soups to memory, he isn’t going to make that blunder again, but he does pronounce its name humiliatingly wrong.

[Dave]

THE GOYS FROM THE DWARF

Timewave sequel that addresses the conflict between Israel and Palestine.

[Ian Symes]

THE ROYS FROM THE DWARF

The crew find a batch of old hologram discs and resurrect original crew members Castle, Walker, Keane, Wood, Hattersley, Kinnear, Orbison and Of The Rovers.

Oh Christ, you’ve got me doing it now.

[cwickham]

THE SOYS FROM THE DWARF

Lister discovers some packets of soy sauce that Rimmer’s been hiding from him.

[cwickham]

THE TOYS FROM THE DWARF

Seb Patrick turns up and treats everyone to a reading from his list of fictional Red Dwarf action figures.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE NOISE FROM THE DWARF

30mins of black with just the background engine noise playing. Scores the number 1 spot in the next G&T poll owing to everyone watching it swearing blind they fell asleep 5mins in and had the best night sleep ever.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SITE ADMIN OF THE APOCALYPSE

After threatening all out nuclear war on a forum thread that has gotten out of control, fan band together in a cyber landscape to win over the site admin, who, after not too long, succumbs to their punny wisdom and joins in their silly game.

[Warbodog]

THE BOURGEOISE FROM THE DWARF

Kochanski gives her teenage self the idea for the Tension Sheet so she can marry Sabrina Mulholland Jjones and talk about money.

[Warbodog]

THE PORPOISE FROM THE DWARF

The guys meet a bloke who evolved from porpoises. He’s offended when Lister slips up and refers to his ethnic background as ‘dolphin,’ and even more offended when Cat refers to him as a ‘fishy’ before devouring him.

[Warbodog]

THE TURQUOISE FROM THE DWARF

After receiving a David Icke-esque vision from the godhead, Kryten paints his bodysuit turquoise and starts talking about vibrations and energy fields and stuff. The others ruthlessly and relentlessly mock his beliefs.

[Pete Part Three]

COYS FOR THE DWARF

A load of Tottenham, that is. Yeah, a steaming pile of Hotspur.

[flanl3]

THE TROYS FROM THE DWARF

After finally finishing his Iliad graphic novel twenty years later, Lister encourages everybody to join him in a reenactment, which is an idea that falls flat as soon as they all realize that nobody wants to play the horse.

[Ian Symes]

THE MOYES FROM THE DWARF

The crew get challenged to a football match to the death. Kryten concocts a plan to go back in time to recruit one of the greatest Premier League managers of all time, and sets a course for Old Trafford in the early 21st Century. Unfortunately, he’s a year late.

[cwickham]

THE JOYS FROM THE DWARF

Everyone is very happy.

[Warbodog]

BOYCE FROM THE DWARF

John Challis guest stars and does his laugh.

[clem]

BOYCE FROM THE DWARF II

John Challis guest stars again and Suzanne Bertish also returns, just so that John can say “For Gawd’s sake, Arlene!”

[clem]

BOISE FROM THE DWARF

The crew use the rejuve shower again and are transported from Red Dwarf to the capital city of Idaho.

[Dave]

THE BAIZE FROM THE DWARF

Lister takes up snooker.

[Moonlight]

THE VOYNICH FROM THE DWARF

Rimmer finds a book he can’t read.

[Moonlight]

FANTASTIC VOYNICH

Rimmer finds a really really good book he can’t read.

[Moonlight]

THE SEVEN VOYNICHS OF STARBUG

Rimmer prints seven copies of a book he can’t read and distributes them on the next jaunt to a planet’s surface.

[Moonlight]

VOYNICH TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA

Lister is annoyed by Rimmer’s obsession with a bunch of gibberish, so he waits until he isn’t looking and hurls the books into the ocean.

[Moonlight]

COY NICHE

Lister gets a straight flush and puts on his poker face.

[Moonlight]

BEGG Pants of Power

Lister finds some pants designed by BEGGs, and is shocked at how snugly his man bits are supported without feeling too tight. In fact he feels so confident in his new pants that he is able to pass the chef’s exam and become Rimmer’s superior. Rimmer, jealous, attempts to craft his own pair of magic underpants. He fails. But then it turns out Lister was lying. Or was he?

But was it an accident?

[Moonlight]

BEGGS FROM THE DWARF

Kryten says “Choke!” and then Rimmer, Lister and Cat choke to death on a coaxial cable. Kryten just stands there doing nothing, as without the effects of the quantum crystals he is unable to notice the coincidence.

[Moonlight]

I SEE NO SHIT

Brand new release of Series XII that excises Timewave.

[Moonlight]

HEAR NO WEEVIL

I guess Kryten put the traps out yesterday.

[Moonlight]

QUEEG EYE

Rimmer freezes up, and Queeg appears in his eyes. He announces that Rimmer has contravened Article 5 and will now be operated by Red Dwarf’s backup computer. Cat makes a comment to the effect of being glad Rimmer is dead. Queeg then helps Cat choreograph a dance number with the Blue Midgets. Meanwhile, Kryten farts on spoons.

[cwickham]

BEER NO WEEVIL

Lister doesn’t think the space weevils should get any of his beer. They kill him.

[Dave]

LISTERS ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES

The clones of Lister made from his licensed genome pop down to B&Q for some DIY supplies.

[Dave]

LISTER ACT

When Lister witnesses a mob murder, he must go into witness protection disguised as a nun.

[Dave]

LISTER SLEDGE

Deleted scene from Marooned in which Lister goes outside for some tobogganing.

[Dave]

SHE AIN’T HEAVY SIR, SHE’S MY LISTER

Sequel to Parallel Universe. The crew visit their alternate selves only to find that Deb is dead. Lister finds her withered corpse to be surprisingly light when he tries to chuck it out the airlock.

[Dave]

LISTER ACT II: BACK IN THE POLYMORPH III

Lister’s wimple reveals itself to be a shape-shifting emotion-sucker.

[Warbodog]

DR JEKYLL AND LISTER HYDE

Craig Charles stars in a new adaptation of the psychological classic. He’s universally praised for his nuanced portrayal of Henry Jekyll and universally panned for his interpretation of Hyde as (as one journalist puts it) “this scuzzy space bum who, you know, who’s powered by beer and curry.”

[cwickham]

LISTER MIA

Lister sings loads of ABBA songs.

[cwickham]

LISTER MIA! HERE WE GO AGAIN

Lister sings loads of ABBA songs. Again.

[cwickham]

PETE! HERE WE GO AGAIN

Pete is turned into a dinosaur again and undergoes surgery to give him vocal chords, so he can sing loads of ABBA songs. He then shits everywhere.

[cwickham]

BACK IN THE RED! HERE WE GO AGAIN

Basically the same as the original version, but the Blue Midget dance now has an ABBA song dubbed over it.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

GIMMIE! GIMMIE! GIMMIE! & TAKE A CHANCE ON ME

Asclepius and Snacky team up with guest stars ABBA to perform some of their hits.

[Dave]

OUT OF TIME! HERE WE GO AGAIN

The first few minutes of Tikka.

[Dave]

MARIOONED

When Lister and Rimmer crash-land on an arctic moon, Lister must pass the time while they wait to be rescued by playing Super Mario Bros. It turns out he likes the game so much he decides to record a promotional video for the series.

Meanwhile, Rimmer reads up on a tank museum.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MAROONED

Lister has PD and must paint the outside of the ship, however in his haste he picks up the wrong tin of paint and now the ship is the wrong shade of red.

[Dave]

STAR, NOT

Special compilation of all the guest-actors from previous episodes of Red Dwarf who didn’t go on to bigger and better things.

[Warbodog]

NIGEL MANSELL’S RIMMERWORLD CHAMPIONSHIP RACING

Grant Naylor Productions announces that the racing star was happy to endorse an episode of Red Dwarf VI, claiming that he takes Red Dwarf videos to all his world championships and is always having a sneaky read of the Smegazine during pit stops. Episode objectively rated by Grant Naylor Productions a faux-modest 93%.

[Dave]

CURRIED

The crew of Red Dwarf stumbles across a space station where famous evil historical personalities have been resurrected and turned into Indian food.

Lister licks his lips and orders a Hitler Bhuna with a Genghis Naan.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TICKET TO RIDE

Rimmer spends 25mins arguing with a rather pushy ticket vending machine which won’t grant him the senior officer discount for the ships metro system without a valid senior office rail card.

Finally Rimmer jumps the barriers and legs it for the tube, under a volley of laser fire from the machine. He jumps on board just as the doors are closing only to be greeted by the surviving members of the Beatles playing their classic song.

The episode cost more than the previous 12 combined and bankrupts GNP, UKTV and Babycow. Doug is on the streets, millions of pounds in debt, wondering where it all went wrong.

The ghost of Charles Armitage appears in a vision telling him, if only he’d had a proper producer to act as over sight to put a stop to the budgetary madness, and fades away cackling madly.

One philanthropic fan starts a go fund me to help pay off the debt, but the comments on the donation page descend into “series 8 is shit!” and “fuck me Timewave, how awful”, moving everyone to forget why they were there and not donating.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

FLICK IT TO RIDE

Young Rimmer misunderstands his brothers advice and firmly believes that if you literally flick a girls bean she’ll ride you silly, and forgets the nuance of seduction and consent leading to some very troubling times and a widely criticised episode … AGAIN!

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SPIT ON IT TO RIDE

Just that one terrible Timewave gag

[Author]

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