Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

TOASTER OF LONDON

Talkie Toaster is recast with the voice of Matt Berry in an absurdist spinoff that sees the irritating bread-warming contraption sent back in time to work in London’s theatre district in the early 21st century.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

AH, SO YOU’RE A BROTHEL GUY

Talkie has taking up pimping out girls on street corners. When Rimmer asks if there is anywhere inside a bit more discrete they can discuss their transaction, Talkie recognises the wants and needs of his customer.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STALKIE TOASTER

Lister can’t shake the feeling he is being followed.

[Dave]

WALKIE ROASTER

Lister invents an oven on legs.

[Dave]

SQUAWKY BOASTER

Kryten buys a parrot that’s very full of itself.

[Dave]

PORKY POSTER

Rimmer prints off a lifesize image of his schoolhood chum Roebuck.

[Dave]

DORKY GHOSTER

Duane Dibbley dies and then comes back to haunt everyone.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

IT’S A CHRISTMAS TREE! IT’S A SMEGGING CHRISTMAS TREE

Rimmer spends all month patiantly waiting to see what is behind door number 25 on his advent calendar, and is dismayed when it is just a picture of a Christmas tree

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU MY PAN-DIMENSIONAL LIQUID BEAST FROM THE MOGADON CLUSTER, AND THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU BLEW IT AWAY.

Wham! beam aboard Red Dwarf and sing a song about the crew’s off screen adventure.

[Pete Part Three]

SILENT KNIGHT

One of the Knights escapes from the AR machine again, but this time he’s very, very quiet.

[Paul Muller]

HELLO THE WALL BY JOHN LANCHESTER, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Kochanski holds a book group meeting to discuss the popular British author’s recent work of dystopian fiction.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU MY OXY-GENERATION UNIT, AND THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU RAN AWAY

Lister’s bride just won’t shut up about him legging it on their wedding night.

[Paul Muller]

BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE, THERE’S NO KIND OF ATMOSPHERE

Rimmer’s date flushes herself out of an airlock to avoid his relentless advances.

[Dave]

I’VE NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE, NO-ONE HAS, BUT I’M GUESSING IT’S A WHITE CHRISTMAS

Kryten covers the Bing Crosby classic.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TITAN

Lister updates the classic Christmas hit to sing to all the girls and boys living on Saturn’s largest moon at Christmas Time

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL OUT OF TIME

Paul McCartney really enjoys the final episode of series VI

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STOP THE CANARIES

Lister updated Jona Lewie’s hit as he is feeling apprehensive about a mission captain Hollister is sending them on at Christmas

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MISTLETOE AND URINE RECYC

Stranded on Starbug, 3 million years into deep space and having lost Red Dwarf, Cliff Richard’s choice of inspiration to draw on whilst penning his Christmas classic isn’t what he’d hoped it would be.

[Dave]

HOLLY AND THE IVY

Red Dwarf’s computer is overgrown with a particular breed of evergreen climbing plant.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

DECK THE HALLS WITH SCREENS OF HOLLY

Having been unable to scavenge any Christmas decorations for many years now, the crew set up screens along the entire length of the corridors around the bunk room to project Holly’s face onto.

[Dave]

A SPACE-CRAZY MAN CAME TRAVELLING

Chris De Burgh recaps the plot of Red Dwarf in this seasonal dirge.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

WE THREE KINGS OF THE CUE

Much to Lister’s dismay, he becomes the focus of a second religion after saving the universe from a white hole.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HARK THE HEROLD DEMONS AND ANGELS SING

The highs and lows rejoice the birth of the baby Jesus.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

JOY TO THE WAX WORLD

Rimmer pens a carol to celebrate the liberation of a celebrity wax droid theme park

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

DO THEY KNOW ITS GAZPACHO SOUP DAY

Rimmer hires Bob Geldof and a plethora of 80s pop and rock stars to raise awareness of the most tragic day of his life.

[bloodteller]

HOW CAN THE SAME SMEG HAPPEN TO THE SAME GUY’S RICE

Sequel to Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg in which Duane Dibbley does the exact same thing he did last time, much to the chagrin of Ainsley Harriot

[bloodteller]

GRAIN DIBBLEY

Duane’s rice-stealing antics prove so popular that he gets his own spinoff show, in which he goes around stealing rice. The show proves controversial after he destroys an entire rice field

[bloodteller]

MAIM DIBBLEY

The farmer punches Duane in the face after discovering the absolute state of his rice field

[bloodteller]

PAIN DIBBLEY

Duane starts crying after being punched in the face. Thankfully Lister is there to give him a hug which cheers him up a bit

[bloodteller]

GAIN DIBBLEY

Duane starts weightlifting so he can get his own back on the rice farmer

[bloodteller]

INSANE DIBBLEY

Duane injects some steroids and goes on a killing spree, brutally murdering the rice farmer and his family

[Dave]

ONLY THE GOO…

Lister comes up with a remarkable revamp of Cadbury’s Creme Eggs that involves removing the chocolate outer shell entirely and selling them simply as sachets of the sugary viscous innards.

[Dave]

THE LAST DAIRYMILK

The crew of Red Dwarf get into a repeat of the whole After Eight situation.

[Dave]

FUDGE, FUDGE, FUDGE

Doug accepts a substantial payment in exchange for changing the closing lyrics to promote a specific brand of Cadbury’s chocolate bar.

[Dave]

YOU’RE GETTING YORKIE

Rimmer criticises Lister’s weight gain, blaming it largely on a specific brand of chocolate bar.

[cwickham]

THE FIRST SMEG-EL

Unproduced 1988 Christmas special where Lister gives birth in the Red Dwarf stables. Never made as guest star Roy Kinnear died the day before the audience recording.

[cwickham]

DWARFING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

Unproduced 1990 Christmas special where Lister gets really angsty about the fact that all his loved ones died millions of years ago, and tries to get Holly to go faster than light in a bid to make it back to Earth for Christmas. Never made as guest star Leonard Bernstein died the day before the audience recording.

[cwickham]

MIRACLE ON B DECK

Unproduced 1991 Christmas special where Kochanski appears to return to life, only for it to turn out it’s all just a festive joke on Rimmer’s part. Never made as the production company were unable to clear the rights to “What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas?” in time, and Grant Naylor abandoned the entire episode in a fit of pique.

[cwickham]

CHRISTMAS WARPING

Unproduced 1992 Christmas special where the Dwarfers discover a time warp that takes them to the last Christmas Eve on board Red Dwarf before the crew were wiped out. Never made due to spurious legal action launched by Jim Sharman after he got the wrong end of the stick.

[cwickham]

A CHRISTMAS CAMILLE

1994 Christmas special where Lister, Kryten and Cat try to teach Rimmer the meaning of the festive season by bringing back Camille and having her appear to him as the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come. Produced and fully completed, but at the last moment it was pulled from its Christmas Eve slot in favour of a repeat of Steptoe and Son and everyone forgot about it.

[cwickham]

LET IT SMEG

Unproduced 1997 Christmas special where the Dwarfers wake up to discover it is somehow snowing inside Red Dwarf. That was all Doug Naylor managed to write before getting the idea of resurrecting the entire crew.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BETTER THAN A WONDERFUL LIFE

Christmas parody based largely on the BTL novel, but Doug is so up his own arse he thinks he’s done a better job than the original. Pulled when Dave realise it’s a steaming pile of shit.

[cwickham]

FAIRYTALE OF NEW NEW YORK

Unproduced 1999 Christmas special which would have seen the Dwarfers return to Earth, but had to be abandoned after spurious legal action was launched by the creators of Futurama.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STAY ANOTHER LAST DAY

Cut scene from Last Day in which East 17 beam aboard Red Dwarf and convince Kryten to fight for his life rather than just giving up.

[cwickham]

I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY

Unproduced 2001 Christmas special where Lister decides to celebrate Christmas every day, but ends up dying of a massive coronary after his fourth Christmas dinner in a row. Deemed too depressing for the Christmas schedules and replaced with a repeat of Porridge.

[cwickham]

MISTLETOE AND LEOPARD LAGER

Unproduced 2003 Christmas special where Lister tries to get Kochanski drunk on Christmas Eve and use the sexual magnetism virus on her. Deemed too depressing for the Christmas schedules and replaced with a repeat of Threads.

[Dave]

A CHRISTMAS CAROLE

Crossover in which the receptionist from The Brittas Empire steps through a time-hole onto Red Dwarf and thinks she recognises Rimmer, with hilarious consequences. At Christmas.

[cwickham]

THE SMEGGY AND THE IVY

Unproduced 2005 Christmas special hurriedly rush-written in an attempt to capitalise on the success of the return of Doctor Who. Not produced after the controller of BBC Two pointed out several pages of the script were just illustrations of Rimmer with an ‘H’ made out of tinsel and some photos of sailboats.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MIRACLE ON FLOOR 34

The crew find an intruder on floor 34, and flush him out the airlock before he can explain he is the real Santa.

[cwickham]

I SAW THREE SHIPS

Unproduced 2010 Christmas special which resolves the “Only the Good…” cliffhanger when the Dwarfers finally catch up with Hollister and all the other crew members who evacuated the Dwarf. Not produced when it was pointed out it was shit.

[Author]

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