Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

HAVE I GOT NUDES FOR YOU

Rimmer tries to find his beach photograph in Timeslides.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HAVE I GOT NORM FOR YOU

Casting director for Red Dwarf Special confirms Norman is on board, and he was waiting by the phone ready to accept any deal to return

[Dave]

M-NORM

Doug Naylor reveals that while Norman Lovett has been cast in the new Red Dwarf special, a plot twist means that the actor’s character will be entirely invisible throughout the entire 90-minute runtime.

[cwickham]

RTD

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a prolific Welsh screenwriter.

[Veni]

JFK

The Red Dwarf crew are sent back in time but instead of an important historic event they’re teleported in the middle of a runway at the JFK International Airport and are sucked into a turbine, brutally ripped to pieces in a bloody carnage.

[Warbodog]

BETTER THREAD THAN SMEG

Just found this entertaining thread, but not funny enough to bump it myself:

hypothetically making the worst possible ep of RD

To think they didn’t even have a Timewave yet.

[Dave]

FRENCH WINDOWS

Lister is sitting on his sofa trying to install a new version of Windows on his laptop, but the language options are stuck on French. Meanwhile, we pull back and somehow it turns out that this is all set on a spaceship.

[Dave]

HATMAN LOVERIDGE

Holly-centric episode in which both versions of the computer visit Legion and get combined into a single gestalt entity.

[Dave]

NORMIE HAYVETT

Holly’s creator, Normie Hayvett, visits the ship and meets Hatman Loveridge. With hilarious consequences.

[cwickham]

TOCATTA AND FUGUE IN DNA MINOR

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a piece of classical music.

[Captain Bollocks]

GARBLED, CONFUSING, AND QUITE FRANKLY DULLER THAN AN IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE PRODUCED BY AIR BELGIUM

“‘Mr. Arnold’ isn’t his name. His name is Quagaar. Or ‘Hitler’. Or ‘6,000 P.E. Teachers’, or ‘Junior Birdman’. Or, on rare occasions when you want to see if you can have sex with him – and we’re talking jamming your nose between his cheeks and making it the filling of a buttock sandwich using a combination of your own blood, and even your own intestines here – on those exceptional circumstances, you can change the bulb.

[Warbodog]

YOU DIDN’T WANT TO CAUSE ANY PUHHHHHHHHHH

Arriving back on Earth in his own time, Lister learns that Fiji wasn’t flooded after all, he and Rimmer had just fallen for dangerous fake news about ‘tsunami alerts’ posted by irresponsible twats on social media to whip already concerned communities into a frenzy.

Bit of a personal one. These increasingly frequent earthquakes with low body counts are probably nothing to worry about. Ominous sting, cue opening titles. Have a scary Halloween, everyone!!!!!!!!

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

DEMONS AND ANGELS

Its halloween, and the crew are dressing up in their sluttiest costumes to trick or treat each other.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THANKS FOR THE CANDY

The crew get blind drunk and go trick or treating. Waking up the next morning they wonder where all the sweets came from as they’re the only people left on the ship so every bunk room door they knocked on, no-one was home.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

OUT OF CANDY

The crews future selves travel back in time to trick or treat themselves. As the present crew refuse to give them any chocolate, the future crew fire laser beams at them destroying Starbug and killing them all.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

DEER DAVE

Dave dressed up as a deer for halloween.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HORRORSTER

Tiawan Tony dresses up as the radiation riddled corpse of Captain Hollister for halloween.

[bloodteller]

BACK TO EARTH TAKES PLACE AFTER “SERIES TEN”. KOCHANSKI IS DEAD AND THE CREW ARE HURLED THROUGH A PORTAL AND DISCOVER THEY ARE JUST CARICATURES FROM A TV SERIES

Alternate version of Back To Earth where the crew are given their characterization from XI-XII.

[cwickham]

I DOA FOR AN EPISODE

Everyone turns up dead at the start of the episode.

[Warbodog]

TIANANMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

When a Chinese network voices passing interest in broadcasting Red Dwarf, Doug makes the opener of the next series a brown-tonguing ‘Tikka to Ride’-style patriotic historical to ingratiate himself.

When the guys accidentally prevent the Tiananmen Square Massacre, they discover that making the government lose face at this crucial juncture has a devastating impact on the future timeline for the whole world. Understanding that the party’s actions were necessary and correct, the guys fix up Starbug in the form of a tank and solemnly lead the charge into the square to put right what once went wrong.

Ultimately, the Chinese networks decide they’re not interested, having come across ‘Fathers and Suns’ with its flippant treatment of the Taiwan issue.

[Warbodog]

IDEA FOR A THE NETHER REGIONS SKETCH

Several-years-out-of-date, mildly-triggering Doctor Who boxset trailer parody. While the Doctor runs around spouting technobabble, his companion just keeps self-importantly declaring “I’m a lesbian, I’m a lesbian, I’m a lesbian,” to poke fun at how LGBT characters in the series tend to mention that important aspect of themselves from time to time when it comes up naturally, at about the same rate as the straight characters.

[Warbodog]

VEGION

The guys are welcomed aboard a space station by a hospitable gestalt entity who serves them a sumptuous feast. When he informs them part-way through that the meal doesn’t contain any animal products, as he’s a vegan, the guys suddenly become hostile and defensive, refusing to eat any more of the “rabbit food” they’d previously admitted to enjoying, saying that a meal needs to have delicious dead animal flesh in it to be a proper meal and persistently trying to badger their host into confessing that he’d kill an animal if he had to survive wouldn’t you if you had to though if you had to though.

[Dave]

VEGANMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

When rogue simulants infect Starbug with a computer virus, Rimmer keeps saying that he bets the simulants are vegan and probably go on about it all the time, leading Lister to go off on a seven-minute riff about how annoying vegans are, and how boring it is that they don’t eat meat and that. Then they do a parody of The Sopranos and make some cutting-edge jokes about 1980s TV shows like Watchdog and The Bill.

[Dave]

RED DWARF V (GAN)

The fifth series of Red Dwarf, remastered to appeal to a vegan-hating audience by inserting anti-vegan jokes every five minutes.

[Dave]

BETTER THAN PORRIDGE

Documentary showing pre-production for Red Dwarf VIII, in which Doug Naylor – in an outrageous display of hubris – sets out his intention to make the definitive prison sitcom.

[Warbodog]

DEMONS AND VEGONS

An experiment to synthesise meat goes awry as Kryten accidentally triplicates the crew into their exclusively carnivorous and vegan selves. They… look and act exactly like the Highs and Lows, actually, except the Vegans keep ineffectually preaching the moral argument for giving up animal products in a way that comes off as self-important if you’re insecure and the Carnivores keep loudly talking about how delicious animal flesh is, to deliberately upset people they know are sensitive animal lovers, because they are sadists.

[Dave]

VEGOONED

Remake of Marooned in which Lister is revealed to have recently turned vegan and Starbug is full of enough meat and dairy food to sustain him for months if necessary, but he’s just too principled to eat it, the stupid vegan fucker.

[Warbodog]

RED DWARF V (GAN)

The heavy from Blake’s 7 is digitally inserted into six episodes from Red Dwarf at great and confusing expense.

[Warbodog]

RED DWARF V (GAN)

Alan Partridge’s friend Michael is hired to guard the GNP archives and manages to lose the original masters of series five.

[Dave]

ONLY THE FOOD

Red Dwarf episodes are edited to remove all references to any food whatsoever, out of some misguided fear of offending some kind of militant lifestyle minority group. As a result, many episodes run significantly short, and so are padded out with patronising pro-vegan speeches in the mode of series IV Lister’s pompous moral posturing.

[cwickham]

TONELY THE GOOD…

New version of “Only the Good…” which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Tony from Men Behaving Badly arrived to save the day.

[cwickham]

BONELY THE GOOD…

New version of “Only the Good…” which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Peter Bone arrived to save the day.

[cwickham]

CONELY THE GOOD…

New version of “Only the Good…” which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing a passing ice-cream salesman arrived to save the day. This ends up posing more questions than it answers.

[Dave]

BILLY CONNOLLY THE GOOD

Red Dwarf is cancelled and instead a classic standup set by the ‘big yin’ is broadcast.

[Warbodog]

‘OTBOVRILBROS

Baxter pours scalding meat drink over the heads of the famous pop twins. This causes them to merge into one entity, like Station from Bill & Ted, who goes back in time to give birth to himselves.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

V-CORP

A militant vegan ship infects the crew and blinds them to anything made with animal products, forcing them to lead a vegan life style.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MEATOCRACY

A vote his held aboard Red Dwarf to decide whether the crew should dispense with their meat eatting ways and become vegans. When the vote ultimately comes down to Talkie Toaster, who spoils his ballot by voting for Toast, which wasn’t an option, the crew are felt trying to cultivate soy beans in the botanical gardens and frying chickpeas into falafel.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

I’M GOING TO EAT YOU LITTLE CHICK-PEA

Cat, having recently discovered veganism, toys with his food before eating it.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CURED

A rather distasteful and offensive series 13 episode of Red Dwarf, penned by a returning Rob Grant, where the crew find a research station trying to find a cure for veganism. Run by an obnoxious meat loving scientist who resembles Parks and Rec’s Ron Swanson, the episode is full of anti-vegan tirades and “jokes” about how vegans always bang on about being vegan.

Featuring Morrissey as the celebrity vegan to be cured, he spends his entire screen time shouting “meat is murder” before the Cat nonchalantly shoots him in the face.

[Dave]

CHRIS VEAL

Upon closer examination of the CGI sequences in series VII and VIII, it becomes apparent that they are crammed with tiny slogans of anti-vegan propaganda, controversially extolling the virtues of eating calf meat in particular.

[Jawscvmcdia (2)]

JAWSCVMCDIA

Special guest Jawscvmcdia meets the Red Dwarf crew after a dimensional tear lands him into their universe. He enlists the crew’s help in getting him back to his homeland.

[Warbodog]

PRIMARYAL SUEP

Jawscvmcdia (2) releases a script book of all his amazing adventures with the Red Dwarf posse.

[Warbodog]

PLEASE SIGN THE NON-CONSENT FORMS AND SEAL THEM INTO THE ENVELOPES PROVIDED

Concerned about where this latest genuine or trolling Chris Chan-style development may be heading, a G&T forum member takes out a court order to prevent Jawscvmcdia (2) from putting her into his self-insert Red Dwarf fan fiction.

[bloodteller]

IDEA FOR AN EPI-BEPI-BO-CREPPI-VEPPI-SNO-SCHNEPPI-SCHNIPPI-SCHNAPPI-FO-FAPPY-WAPPY-SKIPPY-SKI-SKI-BI-DIBBY-DIB-YO-DA-DUB-DUB-I’M THE SCATMAN!-SODE

The crew discover an alternate universe where Scatman John was the creator of G&T’s longest thread. But they don’t know what G&T is, and they aren’t familiar with Scatman John, so in the end it doesn’t really matter does it?

[bloodteller]

DO ME A FAVOR WOULD YOU, AND FEED SCHNAPPI?

Due to budget cuts, the crocodile in Stoke Me A Clipper is replaced with a German cartoon character from the popular children’s show Die Sendung mit der Maus. The episode is initially poorly recieved, but due to Schnappi’s massive rise in popularity in the early 2000s, Doug is praised for being “prescient”.

[Warbodog]

BED A DEAD T. HANKS MEG

Rimmer mixes up the plots of the 1990s films ‘Ghost’ and ‘You’ve Got Mail.’

[Warbodog]

BATTERED HEAD SAM EGG

Deck Sergeant Sam Murray is rushed to the medical unit after his estranged partner twats him in the temple with a chicken ovulation. He has trouble explaining this coherently.

[Dave]

T. HANKS FOR THE MEMORY

To celebrate Rimmer’s death-day, Lister implants in him the memories of Tom Hanks, making Rimmer believe he was a late-20th-century-early-21st-century film star for a month.

[Dave]

BACK IN THE BED

As part of budget-cutting measures, Doug Naylor reveals that the plot of the new Red Dwarf special is just Lister interviewing Rimmer while they are both lying in the bunkroom, for 90 minutes, and getting him to do loads of impressions of 1980s celebrities.

[Warbodog]

LOVE IS A DEVICE INVENTED BY BANK MANAGERS TO MAKE US OVER-DRAWN

Barclays finances a new Red Dwarf comic adaptation to tie in with the special. Last-minute market research reveals that some Lister-Rimmer gay subtext would play well to the Tumblr dollar, so they hire a cheap Fiverr artist to hastily modify what the characters’ hands are doing in various scenes.

[Author]

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