Dave

[Dave]

HOLO’REILLY

Basil and Sybil decide to take a short vacation while their hotel is undergoing renovation, but incompetent builders have Basil scrambling to keep their issues from Sybil.

Oh and they’re all dead.

[Dave]

MusicMagpie often have them for little more than a quid.

[Dave]

On the subject of McCoy, if you’re looking for classic stories to check out, I’m a fan of Remembrance of the Daleks.

[Dave]

You call it Red Dwarf IX? In that case, ‘step into my office’.

[Dave]

DAI MENSCH AND JUMP

The crew meet a Welsh bloke who’s a real stand-up guy, and who regales them with a karaoke version of Van Halen’s 1984 mega-hit.

[Dave]

RED IN THE BACK

Sequel to ‘Quarantine’. Lister examines Kryten for damage, in the wake of being him attacked by holovirus Rimmer. Lister finds a large mark on Kryten’s spinal column. But was it an axe dent?

[Dave]

THE ‘LAST’ DAY

After losing a bet, Lister is forced to listen to Rimmer’s James Last record collection for a full 24 hours. They subsequently argue over whether James Last is a real person or just part of Rob Grant and Doug Naylor’s ‘worldbuilding’ for the show.

[Dave]

It’s cod outside.

[Dave]

WAITING FOR COD

Oh Lennon, look what’s happened to McCartney. But was it an accident?

[Dave]

And that one.

[Dave]

HAMILLE

When the crew of Red Dwarf encounter a shape-shifting alien, everyone sees it as something different. Lister sees it as Luke Skywalker; Rimmer sees it as the Joker from Batman: The Animated Series; Kryten sees it as Will Tasker from Slipstream; and Cat sees it as that guy out of the Wing Commander games.

[Dave]

The revived version of Doctor Who has managed 10 series in the 13 years it’s been on. So three series have been lost – one was replaced with Tennant’s year of specials under RTD, and two due were lost to the split season 7 and the year off under Moffat.

[Dave]

BACK IN A BIT

Compilation of all the adverts shown during the ad breaks in the Dave era.

[Dave]

1. Back in the Red, part one
2. Back in the Red, part two
3. Back in the Red, part three
4. Back to the Future
5. Back on the Sex Offenders’ Register
6. Back in the Captain’s Office
7. Backside of a dinosaur does a big shit
8. Glad to see the Back of it

[Dave]

GOVE & SAKE

On a diplomatic visit to Japan, the current Environment Secretary gets pissed.

[Dave]

1. Rimmer has sex
2. Lister finds a special use for his own hand
3. Rimmer is stripped and oiled
4. After Lister finds a way to boost his sexual magnetism, Rimmer gets into a dress
5. Rimmer, in fishnet stockings, threatens to bum Lister to death
6. Everyone wants to kill themselves

[Dave]

BACK IN THE THREAD: PART THREE

G&T forum members desperately keep posting in the “idea for an episode” thread in the hope of reaching 1,000 posts and thus triggering a third page.

But was it an accident?

[Dave]

SHOWADDYWADDY BOP

When Lister agrees to have Rimmer’s mind transplanted into his body, he is horrified when the first thing Rimmer does is make Lister’s body listen to some crap 1950s Rock’n’roll covers as recorded by a 1970s novelty act from Leicester.

[Dave]

CACK TO REALITY

Lister suddenly recovers from his constipation.

[Dave]

mug, the feisty feline discovers what shirt tails are for. Oh, and there’s a toilet-roll shortage.

[Dave]

LAST POO-MAN

When Lister gets an extended bout of constipation he becomes depressed at the thought that he may have shitted his last shit, and thus become the last human being in history to have done a ‘number two’. While Kryten is pleased to not have to clean Mr Lister’s skids and scrub his toilet-pans, he simply cannot bear to see him so distraught. So he slips a laxative into his hot chocolate. But when Rimmer switches the cups and Cat drinks from Lister’s

[Dave]

Apart from by Holly, you mean?

[Dave]

1. There’s a problem with Red Dwarf and it has a full crew.

2. Lister and Rimmer get caught out when they realise that things they thought were really happening to them haven’t really happened.

3. Rimmer and Lister try to outwit each other in a story that seems like it ‘s going to end with an important development but ultimately just spins its wheels and doesn’t really go anywhere.

…

4. Waiting for God

5. Confidence and Paranoia

6. Me2

Aaaahhhhhhhh

[Dave]

SHITE-Y TV

The same as Krytie TV, but with a more honest name.

[Dave]

BACK TO EARTH IN THE RED TO REALITY

Holly reveals that the events of BACK TO EARTH IN THE RED were actually just an elaborate ruse on his part and the whole thing *was* an April Fool after all, thus restoring the joke.

[Dave]

SNACKYSHIP

A special extended cut of Holoship with a 10 minute explicit sex scene between the Enlightenment’s computer, Stocky, and robot dispensing droid Snacky (he has… Snackastic capabilities).

[Dave]

POLYMORPH IV: TIMEWAVE II

When a Polymorph once again attacks the ship, Rimmer’s inner critic decides to reform the Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society. One drawback with that, the abbreviation is SPITONAWRIST.

[Dave]

SERIES IX

The ship turns around so that it’s facing away from Earth.

[Dave]

SPIV AND CAKE

Private Walker from Dad’s Army arrives in a stasis pod, and immediately starts trying to impress the crew by telling them he can get them more butter, flour, sugar and eggs than their ration-books allow.

[Dave]

“Pretty good, for America” sounded like a suggestion that America wasn’t able to make decent sitcoms.

Even if there are lots of US sitcoms worse than Friends (and I’ll take your word for it), it still doesn’t mean that Friends sits among the best sitcoms that the US has to offer.

[Dave]

The America that also gave us Frasier, Seinfeld, Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Louie, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Veep, The Simpsons, Malcolm In The Middle, and many others?

No, it’s not.

[Dave]

KrYTV

Angus Deayton and Geoffrey Perkins guest-star in a now-dated satire of 90s satellite television.

[Dave]

CRY TEA TV

Kryten injects hot tea into the tear ducts of every member of the crew and then forces them to watch Beaches so that the scalding beverage immediately spews forth. He collects it in cups and makes them drink it. While filming the whole thing.

[Dave]

Shite.

[Dave]

You can’t call him Derek IX, since he has told you that’s not his name

Imagine my surprise when I found out that he *does* call himself Derek IX, but only when he’s travelling on business in France.

[Dave]

DEAR DEREK

Lister anxiously awaits the arrival of the next Post Pod as his mate Derek is meant to be writing back to him to let him know whether he considers Red Dwarf: Back To Earth to really be Red Dwarf Series IX or not.

The final line proves controversial among Red Dwarf fans: “What an absolutely upstanding chap for referring to it as Series IX”.

[Dave]

Now I’m hoping that the next series of Inside No. 9 has an episode entirely based around Back To Earth.

[Dave]

okay but what if after Derek 8, there was a new guy called Back To Derek? you wouldn’t call him Derek 9 would you, you’d call him Back To Derek. because that’s his name

But what if he was called Derek and was the ninth Derek but insisted on calling himself ‘Derek: Back To Derek’? You’d say “no, stop being pretentious, this is silly, you’re called Derek just like all the other Dereks. I’m happy to call you Back To Derek but it doesn’t stop you from being Derek 9”.

[Dave]

If Derek from work left and was replaced by Clive, would you call Clive Derek 2 or Clive?

If Derek from work left and was replaced by someone else called Derek, and this happened so many times that you had a Derek 1 all the way through to a Derek 8, and later on you also had a Derek 10, 11 and 12, and the bloke between Derek 8 and Derek 10 was also called Derek, what would you call him?

[Dave]

BACK TO EARTH PART 5

As the crew make their way back to Red Dwarf, they are greeted by Doug Naylor who then turns directly to camera and tells the audience that Back To Earth really is called Series IX after all.

[Dave]

Actually Rivers Cuomo just kicked Death in the nuts when he came for him.

[Dave]

The series between series I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII and series X, XI, XII is definitely not series IX, ok? I can’t believe anyone would be foolish enough to think that it was.

[Dave]

BAIX TO 9ARTH

[Dave]

Oh.

Is that all you’ve got to say?

[Dave]

The Lord hath spoke, BTE is not Series IX.

But it *is* the ninth series of Red Dwarf.

[Dave]

Well *now* it is.

[Dave]

The VHS used ‘Red Dwarf I’, rather than ‘Red Dwarf Series I’ – I think that was the distinction Seb was making.

As far as I can make out, the only time the VHSs used ‘Series I’ was the remastered boxset of all three series.

The only series without a numeral applied in an official capacity is Back To Earth

*QI Siren*

(French DVD)

[Dave]

BLACK IN THE RED

Cilla Black’s accountant warns the popular Blind Date presenter that she has fallen into debt.

[Dave]

IT’S WEDNESDAY NIGHT, IT’S AMATEUR HAMMOND ORGAN RECITAL NIGHT

As a big fan of Top Gear, Rimmer decides to spend an entire evening poring over Richard Hammond’s medical records and identifying which of his internal organs are still intact and functional following a series of near-fatal crashes. He then reads this list out loud for no reason in particular.

[Dave]

THE MAN WITH THE RUBBER FLASK

Danny John-Jules tries his hand at writing a tell-all biography about his days working on Red Dwarf, but somehow all of his anecdotes end up revolving around Dwayne Dibbley’s Thermos.

[Author]

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