Dave

[Dave]

So has anyone given Sonic Forces a try?

I saw it was on sale on Amazon for £14.99 over the Christmas holidays so I’ve given it a punt.

It’s very much in the mould of the modern Sonic games (feels similar to Generations in a lot of ways) but they seem to have done a bit of a better job of removing the frustrations (like instant deaths from falling off the stages). So far, anyway.

The kids love it and have particularly enjoyed the character-creator element that allows you to make your own unique Sonic-style character.

For me, though, it’s no Mania. I always find the serious Sonic storylines a bit laughable, and this is completely overwrought in places (the opening setup is that Sonic has been captured – and *tortured* – for months after Robotnik succeeds in taking over the planet. Yes.)

Plus there’s been some obvious cost-cutting in places, with some of the animated cutscenes strung together with plain text screens to fill gaps in the story, which is a bit naff.

But at a budget price – £15 is cheaper than Mania, and for a physical release – this isn’t too bad, and the kids love all the bells and whistles.

[Dave]

PAIR O’ LOL UNIVERSE

Red Dwarf Series II’s final episode is edited down to the point where it only has two jokes left in it.

[Dave]

In fairness, after The Log, I don’t think Craig Charles has any business getting upset about other people stealing material.

[Dave]

Nowt.

[Dave]

We already had a whole thread on the subject.

Why did the CSO not work on this episode?

[Dave]

CAT PAINS ORIFICE

*That* scene from the ‘Backwards’ novel.

[Dave]

CAT OF WORMS

Cat becomes angry when he realises that he is the only member of the crew not to have had his name included in the title of an episode. He therefore sulks until Doug Naylor agrees to include one in Series XIII.

[Dave]

CAPTAIN POLLISTER

Ian Symes gets a new nickname.

[Dave]

POLLOSHIP

The Enlightenment’s computer predicts a 97.8% probability that G&T members will choose Back To Reality as their favourite episode.

[Dave]

POLLYMORPH

While attempting to compile a list of their favourite Red Dwarf episodes for the Pearl Poll, G&T members find their order keeps changing depending on what mood they’re in.

[Dave]

MONOMORPH

The crew encounter a genetically-engineered lifeform with the ability to retain a single outward appearance that never changes.

[Dave]

It’s difficult to remember how to do it

True.

[Dave]

A stick-on ‘H’.

[Dave]

THE PUBQUIZZITOR

Red Dwarf is visited by an immortal simulant who, after millions of years alone, finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to get really good at pub quizzes.

The crew is therefore divided into two teams and forced to compete on trivia questions over the course of several themed rounds (including a picture round on a sheet that has been so badly photocopied as to make it near-impossible).

“Because… like all who compete before the Pubquizzitor… your judge… shall be… the team sitting immediately to your left.”

[Dave]

TANK-TIED

[Dave]

That same question has been asked by everyone who has seen Cars 2.

[Dave]

Why did he combine five separate tanks into one video, though?

[Dave]

TANKS FOR THE MEMORY

[Dave]

OUT OF THE BLUE: PART ONE

The first episode of Series XIV follows up on Series XIII’s cliffhanger in which the crew finally recovered Blue Midget. We find out that it has been rebuilt by nanobots to the original JMC specifications, meaning it now has four legs and is long enough to fit an entire resurrected crew of 1,169 inside it. It goes on to win 2021’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.

[Dave]

HOLOSHIT II: EMODUMP

Rimmer discovers what shirt tails are for, and gets very upset about it.

[Dave]

HAIKUSHIP

You make love just like
A Japanese poem form
Five, Seven, then five

[Dave]

HAIKU IN THE RED

All the crew are back
Red Dwarf looks quite long now, eh?
What d’you mean “three parts”?

[Dave]

HAIKU TO EARTH

It was all a show
Let’s just keep the budget down
Blade Runner was good

[Dave]

HAIKU TO REALITY

It was all a game
Blown up by the despair squid
All’s not as it seems

[Dave]

“Kryten encourages Lister to read by offering sexual incentives every time Lister makes even the smallest amount of progress.”

[Dave]

Fuck my arse we’re onto the third page

What happens in this one?

[Dave]

KHAN SMEG, WON’T SMEG

Sequel in which he cooks the pear. With Ainsley Harriott.

[Dave]

BUNMEN OF THE ACROPOLIS

When the crew of Red Dwarf accidentally get transported back in time to ancient Greece, they are forced to eke out a living as bakers.

Featuring jokes including “what’s a Grecian urn” and “It’s all Greek to me”, as well as an action-packed climax in which Starbug destroys the Parthenon.

[Dave]

WAITING FOR THREAD

Everyone keeps posting ideas for an episode just so that we can hit 1,000 posts, get a third page, and then all go home feeling very pleased with ourselves.

[Dave]

The Doctor’s final regeneration clearly hasn’t happened yet, though. So it’s not complicated at all, and the original description offers a perfectly reasonable get-out.

[Dave]

INTERIOR DECORATING FOR COD

Rimmer gets a fishtank, and insists on making it look as lovely as possible. But it seems that Cat might have other plans.

[Dave]

FRUSTRATING FOR HOD’

The actor who plays Hodor in Game Of Thrones laments the limitations of the fact that his character is only able to say a single word.

[Dave]

SLATING FOR BOD

Lister and Cat give a poor review to a mediocre 1970s kids’ cartoon.

[Dave]

INCRIMINATING FOR NODD

Noddy Holder is caught red-handed as he attempts to steal a packet of Opal Fruits from his local newsagents.

[Dave]

GYRATING FOR PLOD

When Johnny Vegas’ Crit-Cop threatens to arrest the crew, Cat tries to mollify him by performing a sensual dance.

[Dave]

MATING FOR DODD

Ken Dodd captures the crew and forces them to copulate for his amusement.

[Dave]

RATING FOR POD

When the mail pod arrives, it has an annoying user-review follow-up survey that keeps being e-mailed to Lister until he fills it in. But he refuses to do so until he learns whether his girlfriend’s baby is his or not. And whether it was an accident.

[Dave]

THE END

The crew of Red Dwarf is wiped out after an explosive leak of Cadmium II. But was it an accident? Yes, clearly it was.

[Dave]

REVOKE ME A SKUTTER

The special Skutter-based BBC2 channel-logo created for Red Dwarf night is withdrawn immediately afterwards, never to be used again. But was it an ex-ident?

[Dave]

FARTERS AND SUNS

When Lister lets fly a big curry-fuelled trump, the resultant gas cloud ignites a nearby sun, leading it to engulf a planet and kill all its inhabitants.

Meanwhile, Rimmer has a long conversation with Kryten about how he thinks western cultures and civilisations are superior to eastern ones. But was it the occident?

[Dave]

RED DWARF VII: THE EARLY DRAUGHTS

When Rimmer leaves the crew of Red Dwarf to become Ace Rimmer, he accidentally leaves a door open and makes everyone really chilly. Because, y’know, it’s cold outside.

[Dave]

THE RED DWARF AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE

A minicab calls outside the house of the protagonist of H2G2 to pick him up and take him somewhere. But was it a taxi, Dent?

[Dave]

SPACE CORPS SURVIVAL MANUEL

Guest-starring Andrew Sachs as a hardened space-marine. From Barcelona.

[Dave]

HAIR NOW EVEL

A mutated bottle of shampoo that has been sitting on the shelf of a Red Dwarf shower cubicle for years turns out to have barely-plausible properties when Lister takes a shower and promptly finds his dreadlocks transformed into 1970s stunt motorcyclist Evel Knievel.

Evel promptly tries to use Kryten’s space-bike to jump over Red Dwarf’s ram scoop, but is sucked in and dies instantly, leaving Lister with no hair and a dead body on his hands.

[Dave]

RED DWARF EYE EGGS

Due to a freak reality storm, every member of the Red Dwarf crew has their eyes replaced by eggs. Meanwhile, fans argue over whether this is what they should really call ‘Back To Earth’.

[Dave]

HERE NO WEEVIL

Kryten’s search for a tasty dinner for Mr Lister turns out fruitless.

[Dave]

HEN OF HONOUR

When Lister and Rimmer become stranded together on a snow-planet in Starbug, Lister’s grip on reality starts to loosen to the point where he refuses to satisfy his hunger by eating a chicken, as he believes said animal to be an important foreign dignitary.

[Dave]

OUT OF SYMES

I’m struggling for more of these ideas.

[Dave]

SYMEWAVE

A G&T admin deletes any posts that disagree with him.

[Dave]

SYMESLIDES

A G&T admin goes to the park.

[Author]

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