Dollar Pound

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fucking now i have to translate everything because all i got from french class is that pineapples rhymes with bananas

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c’est ne pas barrie

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no this whole thing is just in you guys’ heads

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people are queueing up to get their picture done with cb because he’s cool and handsome and funny and in their favourite show.  you guys are absolutely bananas

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this thread is simply the maddest thing in the universe

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lady madonna kebab

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ourobwalrus

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being for the benefit of mr kryte!

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i’ve never seen one before, no-one has, but i’m guessing it’s a white album

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other the beatles song related episode titles include the end and please2me2

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TIKKA TO RIDE

the title is loosely based on the title of an old the beatles song, a reference to cc’s hometown.  the song was yellow submarine.  they adapted it quite a bit.  to the point of unrecognisability.  like cc’s face in celebrities disfigured.  during preproduction of the yellow submarine film, paul mccartney was shocked that the submarine was actually yellow.  ‘i didn’t imagine it as an actually yellow submarine,’ he said.    

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the reason for the braces is to jazz things up a bit

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it’s not paint it’s that day-glo mint sauce that never washes out.  lister needs it to paint his friends’ naked body parts

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it’s not paint it’s lister’s urine

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fanfic

fan-nonfic

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i guess i should expect total human enslavement even from fans of a witty, deep, smart show, yeah

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cb is not being antisemitic.  he is a cool dude and a lovely guy

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this thread is so mean and bullying

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timewave / idea for an episode

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future echoes / future echoes

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no

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thursday is the frank of weekdays

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no

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this is similar to what has happened with neighbours

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tv now addressing on a level once mocked by a character whose whole thing is to be dumb

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name that fruit got greenlit then

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of course men can vend. i was just ironically doing a kryten

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isn’t it a bit sexist calling them vending machines?

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dead people voting

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we can build you has an abe lincoln droid

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DEMONS AND ANGELS

the experiment to fix the triplicator works and they just use it to get loads of strawberries and stuff

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JUSTICE

lister dies from falling down a manhole

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TIKKA TO RIDE

lister dies from the beating

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QUEEG

after holly reveals that queeg is a hoax, he morphs back into queeg, who reveals that the hoax was a hoax

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THE END

on his way to the stasis booth, lister falls down a manhole and lands on frankenstein

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Parallel Universe

the holly hop drive really is just a box with stop and start written on it

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Johnny Vegas as Captain Hollister

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Lister – Roseanne Barr
Rimmer – Chevy Chase
Kryten – John Lithgow
Cat – Chris Tucker
Holly – Norm MacDonald

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NORMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE

kryten is suffering from blight, so the crew download themselves into his head to try and fix him. kryten is an essex based inventor who talks to his dog – the crew surmise he is in deep trouble and have to return to reality to help him by applying droid blight lotion into the flexible eves of his suit but they are reluctant to leave because they don’t want to forsake their cool cowboy costumes

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DONUTSHIP

in a parallel universe where rimmer is a doughnutgram, the crew come across a donutship. rimmer falls in love with one of the donutgrams onboard and moves in. the ship is then sucked into an wormhole and gets eaten by Richard herring because he loves donuts and hates red dwarf

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LAGER THAN LIFE

lister discovers an area of the ship called the cathedral of ecstasy but then he is disturbed by a distress call from a call centre populated by his bioprint clones in distress. to celebrate rescuing the listers they take blue midget and go on a hunting expedition on a planet with no animals and don’t take any hunting equipment. rimmer catches them leaving and is suspicious of their lack of hunting equipment, surmising that they must be going on some gormless hunting expedition without him and pretends to be sad whilst secretly enjoying being a git. the listers feel sorry for him and invite him to the listers’ table. rimmer dresses up smart in his white outfit but then commits a terrible faux pas by complaining that the lager with croutons is too hot. when rimmer realises the listers are laughing at him not with him, he has a wobbly, running round the ship screaming we’re still in the game we’re still in the game whilst clapping his hands together frenetically and intermittently stamping his feet in a disconcerting version of flamenco. meanwhile cat discovers a delicious bowl of krispies but kryten bargains half the bowl because he sees it as delicious nuts and bolts because the meal is actually a ca-meal-eonic lifeform. when original lister sees the gelf he sees it as a delicious curry with no rice, and the three argue over the portion sizes as they talk at cross purposes with one another until rimmer arrives. but rimmer’s brain rebels against him and he sees the gelf as his worst nightmare – a bowl of gazpacho soup. he smashes the gelf to pieces and lister is so angry he eats rimmer’s lightbee but then kryten points out that the gelf was military biotech that would have poisoned them and rimmer’s neuroses saved the crew. lister never finds the cathedral of ecstasy again.

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CAN’T SEE WON’T SEE

holly goes blind and everyone is worried but especially kryten who has always had this thing that he is crowding out holly in their role as the go to guy for exposition, so he overcompensates by downloading himself into a kebab in order to fight the virus which there isn’t a virus. it turns out there is a sock hanging over holly’s camera. lister eats the kebab by accident and the incident is only ever referred to again in snarky metajokes in future episodes.

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PUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

all the vending machines start spraying scolding hot coffee in all directions. realising they are being attacked by stimulants, kryten downloads himself into a blueberry muffin. the crew wire headsets to the blueberries within the muffin and find kryten is trying to defeat the stimulants by making puns out of old st elsewhere episode titles. in the meantime, holly defeats the coffee machines with limpet mines but decides not to tell the crew until they’ve done 9 pages of puns

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EMORICE: POLYRICE RICE

kryten brings lister curry and rice because there is something wrong with him and he has forgotten that lister never ever eats rice. lister goes crazy overturning the lazy waiter and smashing up the sleeping quarters. the crew decide to go into suspended animation, the kind with the special jumpsuits and energy drinks, until they reach the nearest psimoon. when they get there they find the planet’s surface is all sellotape dispensers. kryten asks lister why he got so angry about the rice and lister explains that before the accident he had an opportunity to eat at the slobs’ table. lister complained that the rice was too hot, showing that the chef wasn’t slobby enough. everyone laughed so hard that lister felt bad about it for the chef and couldn’t eat rice from that day on because he felt guilty. cat then asks him what the sellotape disensers represent and lister just says ‘your mum’ and then feels bad about it and wonders if he’ll ever be able to use tape dispensers again.

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i really like the pony eagle dinosaur though

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too obviously framing rimmer to top up his smeghead factor and maintain the wooby balance (so they can keep being mean to him). i think it was slated to go first which would have made more sense in this respect.

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pony is cockney rhyming slang but djj is from west london

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pony ob. killing pooh is too dark. i like the dinosaur.

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INSIDE OUT

madonna tries to do some fanart of the ship but it comes out looking like the ramscoop is inside out. later on james o’brien finds the scrunched up paper when he is going through her bins and mistakes it for some kind of teleportation device blueprint. he sets about trying to construct it using raw spaghetti and sellotape but when his blood sugar crashes he grows hungry and eats it. the structure has mystical properties relating to a fallacious branch of kaballah and when it reacts with the phlogiston in his stomach acid, he poos himself into another dimension. finding himself in the red dwarf sleeping quarters with rimmer. lister and cat, he becomes extremely worked up about the mistake he made on red dwarf a-z all those years ago when he stupidly said that data was a rip off of kryten. when kryten comes in his ears really start to burn and he just says ‘you’re a rip off of data’ and kryten punches him in the nose.

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