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NIVEN TAKE- lister discovers a previously unheard of deleted scene from the pink panther (the 1963 one not the crap steve martin reboot) where David Niven eats a mustard sandwich. the dwarfers attempt to sell the scene on eBay to raise a budget for their own movie, only to be thwarted when they realise eBay hasn’t existed for around 3,000,000 years and the scene was crap anyway

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OFFICER KRAMER- kramer from seinfeld somehow beams onboard red dwarf. as it transpires he is actually an officer and so outranks rimmer. kramer uses his newfound authority to make the ship all fun and interesting, and everyone has a bit of a dance. now it’s up to rimmer to finally pass the engineer’s exam so he can outrank kramer and go back to making everyone’s lives really fucking miserable

meanwhile captain hollister eats roast potatoes with indecent enthusiasm. but was it an accident?

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that was a joke? i thought he just miraculously learned how to play violin during the filming of VIII

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DEAR KRAVE- lister writes a letter to his favourite cereal company telling them how much he likes the little wheaty ones with chocolate sauce in the middle. to his surprise he gets a reply, but it’s just the krave PR department asking him to stop sending so many bloody letters

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ONLY THE FUDD- lister digitally alters every looney tunes cartoon in existence so that elmer fudd is the only remaining character. he explains that its not in his headcanon that bugs bunny exists, and is subsequently murdered by baxter for being so bloody picky about continuity.

meanwhile rimmer buys various lunchmeats. but was it an accident?

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GIVE AND BREAK- it’s rimmer’s birthday, so lister gives him a twix. in a rare act of kindness, rimmer splits it in half and offers to share it. however a fight breaks out between who gets the left twix and who gets the right twix, resulting in several frightening deaths and the destruction of Blue Midget. meanwhile kryten breaks every bone in kochanski’s body. but was it an accident?

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so is Derek USA called Derek 5.5, I wonder?

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okay but what if after Derek 8, there was a new guy called Back To Derek? you wouldn’t call him Derek 9 would you, you’d call him Back To Derek. because that’s his name

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well they could’ve just gone down the Samsara route of having it be skeletons who’d fucked themselves to death

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the point is, it seems kind of odd that Phwoaarrr was considered inappropriate, considering the content of the rest of VIII. it doesn’t really seem any more rapey than the sexual magnetism virus

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oh my bad, it’s not in the scriptbook, it’s in the DVD booklet for VIII. and yeah, Phwoaarrr was an entirely different episode about “a ship where a new perfume was being tested that was so effective that it caused insatiable attraction between those who smelled it- the result being some nocturnal activity between Rimmer and Kochanski, and much subsequent Lister jealousy. The tone and content of the story-including piles of nude, dead bodies- was considered inappropriate.”

why the fuck was Phwoaarrr considered inappropriate when they had the sexual magnetism virus in Back in the Red, and the penis in Pete, and the sex in Cassandra, and the sexual harassment in Krytie TV, and the incest in Only The Good?

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i think somebody mentioned it above, but originally there was a VIII script entirely about the appeal, called “No Strings Attached” which honestly sounds a lot better than what we ended up with.

also mentioned in the VIII scriptbook is a script called “Phwoaarrrr” about the crew all getting sexed to death, which sounds fucking awful

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an episode where Kryten is forced against his will into exploiting naked women isn’t really much better though i guess

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why does Krytie TV even exist? the subplot about The Appeal is pretty good, but pretty much everything involving Kryten in the episode is horrifically out-of-character and borderline offensive.

okay i get they reprogrammed Kryten to become sexist and such (how?) but why even go to those lengths? if you’re going to do a Red Dwarf episode about Kryten exploiting naked women then surely all it requires is the male prisoners ordering Kryten to film them- Kryten obviously wouldn’t want to, but since he can’t disobey human orders he’d have to do it anyway and he’d be all guilty about it.

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i do like the edit but mainly because it adds in the deleted scene in the I-II bunkroom, which i really liked. the scene also has new-rimmer find the original’s diary, which actually explains why he’s suddenly telling the Captain about future echoes and backwards universes later in the episode. as far as i know, they never explain this in the episode as broadcast?

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just noticed they use the line in Only The Good… about how if their prism laser isn’t perfect, the mirror universe could be an “imperfect version of our own” so that presumably explains why everything isn’t opposite in the mirrorverse.

makes you wonder how horrific it would’ve been if the mirror universe genuinely worked properly. for one thing, everyone’s skin would be inside out and rimmer wouldn’t be able to breathe since the atmosphere would’ve been whatever the fuck the opposite of oxygen is

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Red Dwarf Ecks Vs. Sever

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they had multiple forms of magical teleportation in Harry Potter though, didn’t they? who would even need the stairs

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sounds like it.

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>Like in Krytie TV, where Lister and Rimmer quite easily sneak into the main part of the ship to sabotage ‘ex-boyfriend Tim’/Ackerman’s quarters.

Kryten explains he’s “paid off the guards” presumably so Lister can do this. Though given that crushed beer cans are used as currency in Krytie TV, i’m not exactly sure what he’s paying them off with. Krytie TV is a bit weird like that

>Having said all that, my favourite thing in all of series VIII was the LOVELY COSINESS of Lister getting anything he wanted from his cell by hammering on a pipe. Even if it was in one of the shite episodes.

yes, this was quite a nice moment

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having to retract multiple bridges every time you just want to go in or out of the cells seems really really ridiculous.

i suppose it does stop the prisoners getting out though, doesn’t it? if they’re imprisoned in a tower connected to nothing then their attempts to escape would only result in death

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you have to wonder since that tower’s right in the middle of the prison and connected to FUCK ALL, how anyone ever actually goes in and out of those cells

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something i noticed about Kyoso’s fanedit is that the “theory of relativity” discussion is so chopped down that it literally makes no sense at all.

i get that it’s a bit of a shit joke but the scene just comes across as really disjointed and nonsensical with most of the dialogue cut out of it

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thoughts on the Series XII DVD’s reversible cover, i think?

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so’s Pete Part 2

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Star Wars is called “Episode IV: A New Hope” though

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oh no

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i would rather that you did not

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hoorah

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once again, Dollar Pound wins

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i don’t remember lister screaming directly into the camera being in Back To Earth- Part 3

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LEDBETTER THAN LIFE- The single most obscure character in Red Dwarf history makes an appearance, but the joke falls flat when not even G&T users know who the fuck he is.

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SHREW- kochanski is in a bit of a bad mood, resulting in lister calling her a mildly offensive name

meanwhile kryten breaks the neck of a small mole-like mammal and wears it around his neck to appear more fashionable. but was it an accident?

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SLEET PART 2- the weather is bad. but was it an accident?

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SHEET PART 2- lister eats some curry and folds sheets everywhere

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yeah the original ending is a lot better, it also serves as a nice conclusion to Series VIII- the dwarfers are out of prison at last, they’ve once again got the ship to themselves and the revived crew are left behind. it ties up all the loose ends.

in the ending with the grim reaper, the revived crew just exit the narrative as soon as the microbe shows up, the dwarfers just exit the narrative when rimmer comes back to the decaying ship (why did they disappear?) and nothing is concluded.

i think even on the VIII Documentary, doug addresses that the original ending worked a lot better “but for some reason, we went past that and did the second ending which truly didn’t work”

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there’s a lot of bloody captions in Only The Good, isn’t there? “Six Hours Later”, then ” Five Minutes Shhhlater” then “Two Hours Later”. whatever happened to using model shots to show passage of time? captions feel very unlike Red Dwarf tbh

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maybe that’s why Bexley looked exactly like Lister in Future Echoes

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Ben, you missed out being able to make a portal to a parallel universe using a mirror, a laser and a can of lager.

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i do quite like the metal-eating virus appearing at the start of the episode and then finally coming into play towards the end, that was quite clever.

but then again, Justice already did that much better

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so… is Only The Good alright?

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MINTANGLED- cat is the only one who’s enough of a twat, so he finally takes the last after-eight mint. things take a turn for the worse when he is later beheaded by kryten. but was it an accident?

meanwhile lister buys a big bag of strawberry lace candies but they’re all tangled up and it takes ages to separate them all

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it’s a I.

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CHRISTMASSANDRA- it’s Christmas time onboard Red Dwarf! However, unlike last time it isn’t really poorly animated and Santa Claus doesn’t inexplicably show up. Instead, Rimmer spends a lovely Christmas with a nice girl called Sandra. At the end of it, they kiss under the mistletoe and she wishes him a happy new year. Unfortunately, Rimmer mishears this as “spit on my wrist” and his perfect Christmas comes crashing down.

Meanwhile up in the Drive Room , Hollister is still hungry after his eighth helping of christmas dinner, so he stuffs, bastes, cooks and eats Todhunter.

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ASSANDRA- 131 years in the future, the Dwarfers come across a ship inhabited by a large, shapely woman with a huge ass and massive breasts. the now-181 year old Lister successfully seduces her, but while attempting to remove her bra with his teeth, she trips, falls and crushes Lister with her massive rear end, resulting in him eventually suffocating to death.

meanwhile, Blood Drinker is removed from the episode

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>Fucking hell, that’s right up there with the pillocks who refuse to refer to the original Star Wars as “a new hope” or “episode IV” despite not even being born before Return of the Jedi.
Like people will rank them “Empire > Star Wars > Jedi”

this just makes me think of that old joke from back when the Phantom Menace came out about how the Empire Strikes Back was now the fifth of the four Star Wars films

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i think there is a Series I and II, isn’t there? it’s on my shelf, im sure of it

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Back To Earth is Back To Earth though

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i’d rather not see anything connected to VIII ever again

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BRANARCHY- rimmer replaces the entire ship’s stock of cereal with All Bran. lister pulls out rimmer’s spinal column when he realizes the Sugar Puffs are gone.but was it an accident?

meanwhile, the cat declares the fourth child and second son of Eddard and Catelyn Stark to be his favourite Game of Thrones character.

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