bloodteller

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BRANNARCHY- Brannagan, the ship’s psychiatrist, goes into a fit of jealous rage after being replaced by Lucas McLaren. He holds a gun to McLaren’s head until his position as psychiatrist is reinstated.

Meanwhile, Todhunter wonders why nobody has seen him for about 3 decades.

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OUT OF CRIME- lister commits homicide, murder, assault, manslaughter,robbery, negligence, endangerment, kidnapping, arson and jaywalking. upon completing these tasks, lister realizes he can’t really do much worse than this. in one last act of law-breaking, he blows up Red Dwarf and everything on it, including himself.

meanwhile, warwick davis is found in the waste disposal unit, inexplicably covered in crimson paint.

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to be fair you don’t see much of him in the first 2 seasons, maybe he was eating donuts while we weren’t looking

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OUT OF TIME- the dwarfers meet denzel washington and he talks about one of his lesser-known movies

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GRASSANDRA- the dwarfers meet a computer who helps them do some gardening. rimmer plants geraniums

meanwhile, lister is killed and eaten by captain hollister after the latter mistook him for an olive on a cocktail stick

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>Just think if Doug had his way originally Red Dwarf would have ended with Series 8 with the crew getting back to earth in that kinda VIII shinanigans sort of way.

checked in the scriptbook and yeah, they were going to get back to Earth by using “the antimatter generator found in the Mirror Universe” which is a bit of a weak way for them to get home tbh.

wait a minute, was the line in Back In The Red Part 1 about the ship now having an “antimatter generator” supposed to foreshadow the “Earth” episode? i suppose them mentioning it beforehand would’ve made it feel slightly less shoehorned in, but either way what would a mining ship need antimatter generation for?

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>I’m not in love with VIII, but I thought it would have been a better use of it’s time if we’d had Back in the Red as one episode (extended or not) and then the next seven being a mix of Canary missions and Porridge-esque prison scams.

THIS. so much time is spent in Back In The Red setting up the whole prison ordeal, and it only ends up lasting for 4 and 1/2 episodes- it ends up feeling like a waste of time.

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for the 3 episodes of setup it took to actually get them INTO prison, it felt like such a copout for it to just jumpcut to them smashing open an airvent and crawling out.

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i might’ve liked Only The Good… if it were executed better. as it stands, it’s way too focused on stuff like Talia (who IS she?) and the escalating pranks shit, wheras it really should have had more of a focus on the Dwarfers’ actual escape from prison and the Mirror Universe.

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still not that young though, is he? he’s around 30-something

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rimmer’s not even particularly young

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BALANCE OF POWER RANGERS- lister plays jenga using rimmer’s action figure collection

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why oh why didn’t they just call it “Mirror/rorriM” like it was originally called? that’s a much better title than “Only the Good…”

also, what the FUCK does ‘only the good die young’ even mean? it sounds like a song title

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BACK TO ERGHHHH- the dwarfers travel back to modern-day Earth but are so disgusted by 21st century society that they all simultaneously vomit in the street. but was it an accident?

meanwhile, kochanski wonders why the fuck her brother is called moose

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but what about kochanski

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does kochanski have a big penis in the mirror universe?

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plus what if it falls on somebody, you’re asking for trouble there

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what was in Lister’s pants that shocked Rimmer so much?

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i still don’t quite understand the dick joke in Bodyswap

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ONLY THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY: It’s movie night on board Red Dwarf! However, things take a turn for the worst when all the movies aside from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly (1966) are inexplicably flushed into space. Movie night is ruined forever. But was it an accident?

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CONFIDANTS AND PARANOIA- rimmer tells lister all his greatest secrets but then worries he’ll tell everyone

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STASIS WEAK- kryten forces lister to become even more lazy, refusing to let him even leave his bed anymore. as a consequence, lister’s body becomes frail and weak and he suffers from muscle wastage and bedsores the size of radar dishes. kryten is quite pleased by this outcome- now lister will depend COMPLETELY on him, relying on him for literally everything as he is now capable of nothing. things take a dark turn however, when cat accidentally sits on lister’s fragile body, crushing all of his bones. bu

meanwhile rimmer goes into stasis, but then leaves.

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in the mirror universe, shouldn’t Rimmer have become a black female mechanoid called remmiR? since it’s meant to be a universe where everything turns opposite, after all.

by that logic, Red Dwarf would be blue and also not in space but on land. a landship.

(to answer the question, yes his cock is huge)

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INCONTINENCE AND PARANOIA: lister starts worrying if that really IS a urine stain on his trousers, or if it’s just tea.

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OFFICER SLIMMER: rimmer is so enthralled by his promotion to officer that he forgets to eat for 4 days, resulting in him losing 50kg.

meanwhile, the rimmer monster buys a keepfit bike but can’t use it because he’s a hideous mutated mess of a creature. he cries out in agony, and asks for the dwarfers to end its miserable existence. they cannot bring themselves to do it.

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STASIS GREEK- the Dwarfers discover Heracles in stasis. he is surprised to discover so many of the spaceships 3 million years in the future are named after mythology from his time, and further surprised that the names of said ships usually correspond thematically to whatever’s onboard.

meanwhile, duane dibbley is found dead in a bin with a curtain rod shoved down his throat. but was it an accident?

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THE REND: Cat tears all the flesh off Rimmer’s body.

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OUT OF TIMEWAVE: during a repeat of Timewave, the dwarfers become self-aware and try to escape the nightmarishly shit episode. lister makes the ultimate sacrifice when it’s discovered the only way to end it all is by having a really abrupt cut to credi

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TIMEWAIFU- lister gets really into anime and starts calling makise kurisu his “waifu” along with sleeping with a bodypillow of her every night. things are looking bleak until rimmer slaps some sense into lister, telling him to go meet some real women.

meanwhile, kryten finally takes up gardening but cat keeps taking shits on his chrysanthemums.

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TIMEKRAVE: the crew find a ship made of crunchy wheat cereal, filled with gooey chocolate paste.

meanwhile, kochanski is found dead in an airlock, flayed to the bone. but was it an accident? kryten seems to think so…

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FRACKING THE RED: the dwarfers discover some equipment onboard Red Dwarf that’s actually related to mining for once

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BACK, SACK AND CRACK IN THE RED- lister tries to use hot wax strips to remove all of his body hair, with dire consequences

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BACK IN THE BREAD- the crew relentlessly drill Lister about why he’s so actively against eating any form of bread product. through tearful eyes, Lister finally confesses that he has a yeast allergy. everyone feels bad about asking in the first place and they all apologize for prying too deep into what was clearly an issue Lister didn’t want to discuss. suddenly, Talkie Toaster pipes up and points out he could just have eaten Warburtons Wholemeal Sliced Medium since it contains no yeast, and everyone calls Lister a wangsty little sod for being an arse to Talkie all these years over an easily resolvable issue.

meanwhile, Rimmer does a big wet shit in Lister’s bunk and has to clean it up before he gets back.

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BEYOND A BLOKE- the crew come across a deserted space station, containing a machine that turns them all into women. G&T prepare for the worst, fearing that the episode will contain horribly offensive gender stereotypes and blatant sexism. however, to everyone’s surprise the episode manages to tackle the topic very tastefully and thoughtfully, and nearly everyone ends up enjoying the episode.

meanwhile, an internet forum contains so many witty and clever puns about Red Dwarf episode titles that the thread gains the legendary Page 2.

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BACK IN THE SEABED- PART 1: a man is found dead in the sea, and the dwarfers travel the entire world looking for the killer, despite having no leads on the case.

BACK IN THE SEABED- PART 2: the dwarfers still haven’t found out who killed the man. their search continues…

BACK IN THE SEABED-PART 3: kryten does an autopsy and it’s discovered the man died of drowning. three episodes, a sky-high budget and a pointless worldwide search was all for nothing. the dwarfers hang their heads in shame

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SEMEN AND ANGELS- the dwarfers find several dead bodies with Semen pouring from their ears and a group of university students have the key to unlocking the case. Did the victims really hear their killer coming?!

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CURED- the crew come across a space station, filled with various hams and other pork products that have been perfectly preserved due to being coated with curing salt, which drew out all the moisture from the pork, making it impossible for the microbe growth that would have caused the food to spoil.

meanwhile, Ziggy Briceman is found dead in a ditch with a pringles tube rammed up his arse. but was it an accident?

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oh yeah and everyone is uncharacteristcally annoyed at cat for being impregnated

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CAN OF WORMS: cat accidentally gets pregnant, so lister murders his babies

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SIX OF THE BREAST: a sequel to that one bunkroom scene in Waiting For God where they discuss aliens

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>Timewave: The boys consider letting themselves and a whole shipful of people die just because they are annoyed by a gay man.

CURED- Rimmer considers letting a man die horribly in an asteroid storm just because he’s (pretending to be) disabled.

SILICONIA- Kryten allows his friends to be mindfucked and then forced into slavery just because he is annoyed with them over various petty reasons.

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jawscvmcdia didn’t even get the date right, he posted this on the 19th of November, even though she passed away on the 22nd of December. seems a bit redundant to not even post it on the actual anniversary of her passing

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COD FINESSE AND PARAPHIMOSIS- cat takes cooking lessons in order to make his own food and discovers he has surprising aptitude for preparing fish-based meals.

meanwhile, lister suffers from a bizarre and horrific medical condition when his foreskin becomes trapped within his own penis.

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that’s quite sad, rest in peace. with all due respect though, is G&T really the place to be posting this sort of thing? i dunno, although it’s quite respectful to make this sort of post, maybe it would’ve gone better on some other site.

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they could’ve gone the Remastered route of just giving him a brown wig and i would’ve been convinced it was holly, rather than going to all the trouble of applying so much makeup that he looks like some strange new form of zombie

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nah it’s like “oh, holly’s offline because lister left a bath running for nearly a decade, and the skutters still haven’t finished drying him out”

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honestly doug sounded slightly bewildered when he heard the interviewer mention “irradiated haggis”. i wonder if he knew what she was on about or if he thought she was just mad

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interesting mention of the original Series X finale

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SKIPPY- rimmer travels to a parallel universe where everything is perfect, except his favourite brand of peanut butter is no longer sun-pat. he realises he cannot bear this, and leaves.

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BRITTAS TO REALITY- after the crew are attacked by a despair squid, rimmer wakes up to discover he’s actually a man called gordon brittas, and the entire series was a dream he had after falling asleep on the way to a job interview.

meanwhile, G&T causes an uproar over this fucking absymal ending

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