bloodteller

[bloodteller]

There once was a ship that was green
Kryten removed Lister’s spleen
Rimmer was mean
He revised in the canteen
And left his parents at fourteen

[bloodteller]

the discord link is here if you’re interested, Pete Part Three. fair warning, it’s not all to do with Red Dwarf. occasionally we talk about other things too, like owls or Seinfeld.

https://discord.gg/aCZPxVv

[bloodteller]

spent the weekend with my boyfriend watching I-VIII. he hadn’t really seen Red Dwarf before outside of seeing Backwards several years ago, so i thought I’d start with The End and sort of watch it with him from the beginning. in the end, his favorite episode was Cassandra, and his least favorite episode was Kryten. slightly odd ranking i thought, as he seemed to burst out laughing whenever there was a middle finger/ “swivel on it!” joke, and yet both those episodes feature one…maybe he just hates David Ross?

also he started taking my clothes off during Balance Of Power, so i’d maybe recommend that for anyone who wants to have sex and listen to craig charles say “4,691 irradiated haggis” at the same time

[bloodteller]

I don’t wish to be blunt, but the post is enquiring how Rob and Doug felt about their breakup, not about your personal feelings at the time. Please be more considerate in your responses to Jawscvmcdia’s shitposts in the future. Thank you for your time on this Earth, goodnight

[bloodteller]

SMOKE MEA CULPA?

Lister uses very awkward wording and an obscure Latin phrase to ask if he was responsible for a fire in the bunkroom, resulting in it sounding vaguely like the title of an episode of Red Dwarf. But was it an accident?

[bloodteller]

OUT OF TWINE

Lister tries to make a nice rug, but finds that he hasn’t got any thread left. Meanwhile, Rimmer takes up macramé and makes a big fucking mess.

[bloodteller]

WE CERTAINLY DON’T LIKE FRENCH PHILOSOPHERS PONCING AROUND IN THEIR BLACK POLO NECKS FILLING EVERYONE’S HEADS WITH THEIR THEORIES ABOUT THE BLEAKNESS OF EXISTENCE AND THE ABSURDITY OF THE COSMOS, CLEAR?

Due to a trivial comprehension error, Rimmer mistakenly assumes that Jean-Paul Satre hates a popular Seinfeld character, the green-haired one from Fairly Oddparents, and an all-you-can-eat buffet restuarant in Doncaster for “being too silly” and yells at him about it.

[bloodteller]

KELICONIA

The crew come across a ship populated entirely by Kel Mitchell. As punishment, they are all turned into Kenan Thompson and have to deal with the ignominy of being the slightly less funny one of the duo.

[bloodteller]

SOME COUNTRY THAT’S BIG ON CURLY SHOES AND GUANO

Lister mistakes a famous Levantine dip for dry bird shit.

[bloodteller]

DAVE “CHINS GUANO BIANCO” LISTER

Lister gains a nickname at the Aigburth Arms after pub-goers discover his unusual habit of sticking his chin in bird shit before downing a bottle of really horrible vermouth.

[bloodteller]

I feel like Dave is correct

[bloodteller]

in Holoship he says he left home to join the space corps at 16. that plus his mentioning of being with the company for 14 years in Me2 makes him 30 or 31.

not sure how the scene with young rimmer in The Beginning fits into all that, but then continuity hasn’t always been Red Dwarf’s strong point

[bloodteller]

WIDE AWAKE NOW I COULDN’T BELIEVE MY EYES- IT WAS MY UNCLE’S FLANK

Rimmer recalls a legitimately horrifying event from his youth in which he woke up in the middle of the night with his uncle’s severed thigh in his mouth. No explanation is ever given as to why, and his uncle was never seen again. The following morning, Rimmer wakes up with a severed foot in his mouth

[bloodteller]

SO WHAT, YOU HAVE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND, GIVE ‘EM A SHERRY AND INVITE THEM TO WATCH YOU SNUFKIN?

Lister discovers Rimmer has digitally altered his death video so that he’s wearing a rather impressive cosplay of Snufkin as he gets killed by a radiation leak.

[bloodteller]

YOU SHOULD WEAR YOUR DAY-GLO ORANGE MOOMIN BOOTS

Rimmer deceptively convinces Lister that he should wear some rather childish footwear to increase his chances of seducing the women of the Nova 5. In the end, Lister becomes wise to Rimmer’s scheme and wears the green ones with Snufkin all over them instead. Long story short, he gets laid

[bloodteller]

TROUT A LA PHLEGM

Cat sneezes on his fish supper

[bloodteller]

>If it is a reference to being farted on while rimming someone, then that doesn’t have Doug’s fingerprints on it for my money, maybe a suggestion from elsewhere.

maybe it was Andrew Ellard. he’s written some pretty unusual stuff for TOS (kill crazy murdering a 5 year old child, the london jets manager forcibly removing the teeth of a mexican child) so i wouldn’t put it past him to sneak a little reference to having someone fart in your mouth into a red dwarf episode

[bloodteller]

>Okay, but what’s more likely: It’s a reference to “Cincinnati Truffles” which doesn’t actually give the viewer enough information to work out that’s what it’s a reference to, or it’s a reference to a type of poker?

the first one

[bloodteller]

IDEA FOR AN ESPER ‘SODE

The rarely-mentioned lost episode for Series 5 where the crew all develop psychic powers is finally made. Lister gets pyrokinesis, which he decides to test out by setting Rimmer’s arse on fire. Unfortunately Rimmer happens to fart at the exact same time, and the resulting explosion gives him IBS.

(In all seriousness, how come this never gets discussed when lost episodes of Red Dwarf come up?)

[bloodteller]

IDEA FOR AN EPIC CHODE

Lister shoves fireworks into Rimmer’s urethra to make his penis more appealing towards the opposite sex. Unfortunately due to Rimmer’s lackluster sex life, he is given little opportunity to try out his enhanced gonads. Lister becomes bored and decides to just set the fireworks off anyway just to see if it works. Long story short, it doesn’t, it gives Rimmer IBS instead.

[bloodteller]

IDEA FOR AN EPI SODA

Kryten comes up with a new concept- a soft drink that gives you a nasty gastrointestinal disorder. The idea is quickly dismissed as rubbish by the posse, but Lister later spikes Rimmer’s whisky with it to see if it really works. Long story short, it doesn’t, it gives Rimmer IBS instead.

[bloodteller]

>Cinncinatti is also a poker term, I believe.

yeah it is, but they’re evidently not playing cinncinatti poker (i haven’t watched Cured in ages, but they’re just playing regular 5-card poker iirc) so i think the intent is that it’s a rimming joke? even if that wasn’t the intent, surely it’s funnier if cat is making a snide remark about farting in someone’s mouth than him just inexplicably giving rimmer a poker-based nickname that’s totally unrelated to the variation of poker they’re actually playing

[bloodteller]

yeah, a Cinncinatti Truffle is where you fart in someone’s mouth during rimming. it”s a (surprisingly subtle) joke about Rimmer’s name/rimming. also i think the only joke about rimming in the entire show

[bloodteller]

>“Personally I prefer partnership Whist”

up until now i thought he was saying “personally i prefer partnership waist” and it was some sort of health program like weightwatchers

[bloodteller]

Just in case that image didn’t show for anyone, it was quite a clever joke, I think.

[bloodteller]

DON’T GIVE ME THAT STAR TREK KRAFT, IT’S TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING

Kryten wakes Lister up at 3am to offer him a marshmallow from his novelty snack dispenser.

[bloodteller]

HUAN OF WORMS

Lister meets a Chinese man who has taken it upon himself to build a replica of Harry and Lloyd’s worm farm from the 1993 film Dumb and Dumber. They bond over their shared love for the movie, but Huan tells Lister to fuck off after he stops by Taiwan Tony’s for a bite to eat. Also, the worms escape

[bloodteller]

POLYBIUSMORPH

Lister discovers the infamous haunted arcade game only to get decked by his favorite claymation character. He ultimately ends up saving Lister’s life from the eldritch abominations haunting the game, but he gets sued by Aardman anyway

[bloodteller]

POLLYANNAMORPH

Lister undertakes an ambitious editing project wherein he attempts to rewrite the famous Eleanor Porter novel to feature his favourite claymation character. It’s actually quite good, but he gets sued by Aardman anyway

[bloodteller]

12? 12 PAGES LONG? YOU POSTED IN THE IDEA FOR AN EPISODE THREAD ON PAGE 12?

You can’t have been a full member of the forum then.

[bloodteller]

LEMONSPARTY

After Rimmer starts eating Werther’s Originals and begins to look a bit like Richard Griffiths, the posse make another attempt at building the Rejuvination Shower. However, due to incorrectly calibrating the tachyon charge, they are sent back in time to 2002 where they witness 2 old men having sex. Seizing the chance to finally “get some”, Rimmer joins in. Kryten takes a photo to mark the occasion, not realizing that their interference in the space-time continuum (seemingly suffering from a bout of pre-determinism again) has inadvertently led to the creation of one of the most infamous shock sites in history.

Meanwhile, Cat buys a bag of Maoam Party Mix. After struggling for several hours to correctly pronounce the name of the confectionery, he opens the bag and is dismayed to discover that there are only lemon-flavored sweets inside.

[bloodteller]

Imagine going into debt just because you really wanted a mediocre Starbug toy that comes with figures resembling gnarled plastic turds more than the characters they’re supposed to be

[bloodteller]

>Alongside Bodysnatcher they’re the most desirable Dwarf thing to sell on eBay, as they encompass two intersecting collector bases.

Surely the most desirable Red Dwarf thing to sell on eBay is the Starbug Playset? I saw one of those on eBay a while back that was so expensive you had the option to pay for it in installments (something like £20 a month for 12 months) which is just insane.

[bloodteller]

NOBSNATCHER- Unmade episode of VIII which sees Kryten go around the cells stealing the penises of all the male prisoners so the JMC has to update their hideously oudated rules regarding gender identity. The episode ends with Kryten reluctantly giving up his pile of severed dicks, throwing them over the balcony only to land on Ackerman’s girlfriend as he’s proposing to her

[bloodteller]

“i think you’re GORGEOUSSS….i want to run naked through your underwear…”

“prison’s changed you…”

[bloodteller]

that reminds me, it’s Seinfeld’s 30th anniversary today. the first episode aired on July 5th 1989….actually kinda weird to think Red Dwarf and Seinfeld were on at the same time, they both feel like they’re from completely different eras. although seinfeld is sort of timeless

[bloodteller]

i think the joke works either way. eating yoghurt is fucking bizarre, natural or not

[bloodteller]

You’d get “what do you think about 9/11?” at least 5 times a day when he was in chat.

[bloodteller]

Yeah, talking to Jawscvmcdia is about as entertaining as having a lead pipe smashed over your head. Plus he had a bizarre hyperfixation with 9/11 and would not shut up about it, even interrupting other conversations to send pictures of 9/11 or video footage of 9/11.

And he tried to insert his penis into Katydid. Really not pleasant at all

[bloodteller]

DENISE THE DONUT GIRL

parallel universe version of hollister’s monologue from back in the red part 3.

[bloodteller]

DENNIS THE DONUT BOY

captain hollister sheds his human skin and reveals himself to really be a shambling lovecraftian horror beast made out of a horrifying amalgamation of abstract concepts, dinosaur shit and donuts

[bloodteller]

P-CORP

a sequel to m-corp in which m-corp returns and makes all jmc crew member’s piss invisible, meaning lister can now no longer tell if he has a kidney infection or not. his shcneiberhauser hurts like crazy but he stubbornly puts this down to the aftermath of having a wank after slicing up some chilli peppers. eventually kryten just gets sick of lister’s shit and sticks his hand down his throat, producing a kidney stone the size of a football

[bloodteller]

SNARKWAVE

A mysterious cosmic force rips through the universe and makes the posse completely literal-minded, erasing all instances of sarcasm and hyperbole from the series.

“Is that a cigarette you’re smoking, Lister?”
“No, it’s a chicken.”
“Oh wise up Lister, it’s clearly a cigarette.”
“Oh yeah, it is. Sorry about that.”

“We don’t want him! Go away!”
“Rimmer, I think it’s very unlikely that Glenn Miller is still alive.”
“You’re right, what was I thinking? Carry on everyone.”

“You are wetter than a driving instructor’s handshake, aren’t you?”
“Am I?”

[bloodteller]

But Twilight is the Princess of Equestria, you know, she’s royalty. You can’t just say those sort of things unless you want to get arrested for treason

[bloodteller]

I take it by “Barney’s Ugly Brother” you mean your penis?

[bloodteller]

>I nominate this thread for Turd status.

More like RamesesNiblickTheTurd status

[bloodteller]

“Fuck sake. Did you watch the video. The funny thing is how the guy reacts to what she says. The phrases he uses. Well I thought it was funny either way. I bet you still get offended by Lister’s ‘slag’ comment. Still after all these years of not getting the joke.”

That was an important speech sir, and it needed to be made, but might I suggest that from this moment the rest of the discourse is conducted by those with brains larger than a grape.

[bloodteller]

This makes all the overly-pessimistic comments about how XIII was never going to happen and that rubbish someone posted about a stage show “definitely happening” seem a bit silly, doesn’t it

Also- Series XIII! Fuck yeah

[bloodteller]

BIG FINISH HIM!!!!

Audio drama about an overly histrionic Mortal Kombat announcer. There’s a tangential reference to Red Dwarf in it somewhere, seemingly

[bloodteller]

MOBI DICK

A long-lost mobisode of the Archie scenes in Pete is discovered, and subsequently destroyed.

[Author]

Replies