bloodteller

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I BELIEVE THIS IS AN APPROPRIATE JUNCTURE FOR YOU TO “GIVE ME FIVE PAGES OF THE IDEA FOR AN EPISODE THREAD” SIR

Give you five? I can do better than that! I can give you fifteen!

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MCCLANE DIBBLEY

It’s Christmas Eve, and Duane is trapped in Nakatomi Plaza with a bunch of European criminals

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“Current under tension is equal? Current under tension is expandable? Current under tension is expensive? What does this MEAN?”

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INSANE DIBBLEY

Duane injects some steroids and goes on a killing spree, brutally murdering the rice farmer and his family

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GAIN DIBBLEY

Duane starts weightlifting so he can get his own back on the rice farmer

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PAIN DIBBLEY

Duane starts crying after being punched in the face. Thankfully Lister is there to give him a hug which cheers him up a bit

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MAIM DIBBLEY

The farmer punches Duane in the face after discovering the absolute state of his rice field

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GRAIN DIBBLEY

Duane’s rice-stealing antics prove so popular that he gets his own spinoff show, in which he goes around stealing rice. The show proves controversial after he destroys an entire rice field

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HOW CAN THE SAME SMEG HAPPEN TO THE SAME GUY’S RICE

Sequel to Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg in which Duane Dibbley does the exact same thing he did last time, much to the chagrin of Ainsley Harriot

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>I love Sonic, but then you get… this… side of the fandom, which makes me ashamed to be a Sonic fan.

I love Red Dwarf, but then you get…Jawscvmcdia, which makes me ashamed to be a Red Dwarf fan.

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IT’S TIME FOR OUT OF TIME

The Boys From The Dwarf are listening to Clock, and they just can’t stop! So much so that they are attacked by their future selves whilst listening to In The House

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I’d rather 69 a grizzly bear while shoving King Kong up my ass than pick either of these options

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OH SIR, YOU’VE GOT FLINT IN YOUR JACKET!

Kryten is overjoyed to find some small pieces of rock in Lister’s pockets

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OH SIR, YOU’VE GOT LINT IN YOUR JACKET!

Kryten does some laundry

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Also the new special, even if it’s feature-length, is still only 1 episode long. You can’t really call anything with just one installment a series, because it literally isn’t a series.

“Hey, what’s your favorite movie series?”

“Planes, Trains and Automobiles.”

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pretty sure Richard Naylor already said on his Twitter that if they did another series after the special, it’d be called Series XIII. a one-off special isn’t a series anyway.

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OH SIR, YOU’VE GOT MINTS IN YOUR DAD’S SHIT!

Kryten notices Lister keeps dropping candy down the toilet after he does a turd to disguise the smell, as opposed to just flushing it like a normal fucking human being.

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OH SIR, YOU’VE GOT MITTS IN YOUR JACKET!

Kryten notices Lister has a pair of warm, hand-knitted mittens in his pockets.

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DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED ON THE OREGON WITH THE RABBIDS?

The show does a subtle crossover with that really annoying Rayman spin-off.

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IS IT OKAY IF I BREAD? CAN I BREAD?

Kryten is making breakfast and Lister asks if he can have toast with his, in a very unusual way. Face it, breakfast is ruined.

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IS IT OKAY IF I BREED? CAN I BREED?

Lister asks Kochanski for sex, in a very unusual way.

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“So Lister, what are you telling us? You’re a closet bobcat? Behind closed doors, you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail calling yourself “Bubsy?””

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They should do a crossover with Red Dwarf and Duke Nukem.

“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubblegum.”

“Oh. Then you won’t want to know about the two super-lightspeed fighters that are tracking us.”

“What?!”

“I’ll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate.”

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Black Mirror, more like Crap Mirror

^my take on Black Mirror

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Sonic and Ristar are both rubbish in comparison to James Pond anyway

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Done my Top 1s, here’s my Bottom 1s.

TV

-Black Mirror

FILMS

-Toy Story 4

BOOKS

-Simon Pegg’s autobiography

GAMES

-Duke Nukem: Critical Mass

G&T USERS

– RamesesNiblickTheThird

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Couldn’t think of a Top 5 for everything, so here’s my Top 1s.

TV

-Red Dwarf X

FILMS

-The Meg

BOOKS

-This one cookbook that has a great recipe for coconut rice

ALBUMS

– I didn’t listen to any (this isn’t an album title. i genuinely didn’t listen to any)

GAMES

-Undertale

G&T USERS

– Not sure I can pick a favorite, most of you are excellent

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IN LESS TIME THAN IT TAKES A NORWEGIAN TO BUY CHI BOOTS

alternate version of demons and angels in which kryten implies it’s a common custom in northwestern europe to buy footwear made of ancient chinese energy.

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YOU ARE RACE CRAZY

lister gets hooked on wacky races due to him relating to lazy luke on a spiritual level.

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IN LESS TIME THAN IT TAKES A NORWEGIAN TO BUY PEE BOOTS

alternate version of demons and angels in which kryten implies it’s a common custom in northwestern europe to buy disgusting piss-soaked footwear.

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THE PREE WII HERMAN SHOW

unusual spin-off show in which pree and herman goerring of red dwarf fame team up to play wii sports together. pree can’t get the hang of using the motion controls, as she has no arms or legs.

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PREE’S WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE

unusual spin-off movie in which pree (as portrayed by paul reubens) has her bicycle stolen by francis buxton (as portrayed by mark holton). in response, she pisses all over him which is weird because computers can’t really piss, even though holograms apparently can.

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they should do a crossover with the “ban user” button and jawscvmcdia’s g&t account

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i enjoy crisps too. i think they should do a crossover with chips

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after looking into it, it turns out these were all written by daniel williamson, the same guy who comments on pretty much every single youtube video of red dwarf posting similarly inane comments.
he’s also done some “trivia” for bottom and doctor who etc. so i suppose it isnt red dwarf exclusive

“Cannonball shooting Richie and Eddie in the faces with cricket balls is Richie and Eddie’s comeuppance for stealing Cannonball’s car and stealing his and his bride’s honeymoon tickets and for conning everyone at the hotel into thinking that they’re Cannonball and his wife.”

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“The two actors playing the German soldiers whom get the crocodile dropped on their heads in the pre-credits sequence actually disliked having a crocodile dropped on their heads”

i’m not surprised

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jesus, some of these are making me laugh my ass off. i think one of my favorites has to be:

“Doug Naylor never considered bringing Jane Horrocks back as Nirvanah in Series 7 as Rimmer’s replacement when Chris Barrie decided to take a break from the show.”

that’s not even trivia, it’s just stating a thing that wasn’t considered. by the exact same logic you could also say “Doug Naylor never considered bringing in Shaggy 2 Dope to play Captain Hollister in VIII when it initially seemed like Mac McDonald would be unavailable”. this is some of the weirdest stuff i’ve ever read, the Siliconia entry is literally just stating that someone else made sandwiches in another piece of fiction. that’s not trivia!!! there are thousands of works of fiction in which people make sandwiches, why aren’t all those listed?

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that’s a bit of an unusual joke though isn’t it?

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just had a rewatch and he actually says “coal”, not “cold”. which only makes it more confusing really, why is the cat becoming coal?

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DO ME A FAVOR WOULD YOU, AND FEED SCHNAPPI?

Due to budget cuts, the crocodile in Stoke Me A Clipper is replaced with a German cartoon character from the popular children’s show Die Sendung mit der Maus. The episode is initially poorly recieved, but due to Schnappi’s massive rise in popularity in the early 2000s, Doug is praised for being “prescient”.

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IDEA FOR AN EPI-BEPI-BO-CREPPI-VEPPI-SNO-SCHNEPPI-SCHNIPPI-SCHNAPPI-FO-FAPPY-WAPPY-SKIPPY-SKI-SKI-BI-DIBBY-DIB-YO-DA-DUB-DUB-I’M THE SCATMAN!-SODE

The crew discover an alternate universe where Scatman John was the creator of G&T’s longest thread. But they don’t know what G&T is, and they aren’t familiar with Scatman John, so in the end it doesn’t really matter does it?

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in Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg, there’s this one line i never got:

“RIMMER: What’s wrong with me?

CAT: I’d give you the list, but by the time I was through I’d be cold!”

what does being cold have to do with anything?

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BACK TO EARTH TAKES PLACE AFTER “SERIES TEN”. KOCHANSKI IS DEAD AND THE CREW ARE HURLED THROUGH A PORTAL AND DISCOVER THEY ARE JUST CARICATURES FROM A TV SERIES

Alternate version of Back To Earth where the crew are given their characterization from XI-XII.

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>The Red Dwarf VIII opening titles play. Then, episode seven of Hyperdrive plays. The end credits are replaced with an extended cut of The Angry Video Game Nerd Movie.

was the the Angry Video Game Nerd Movie really that bad?

….alright, yes it was. i just like to pretend it wasn’t

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bit harsh, the thread is at least relevant to red dwarf/the people involved in it. i mean it’s not the most open ended topic but it’s miles better than that jonathan pie rubbish someone made a thread about earlier

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this is a Red Dwarf forum, not a Jonathan Pie forum

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THE END PART 2

“he said the most important thing was the clitoris, but what i did was i submitted a discourse on porous circuits which was too radical, too unconventional for the examiners to accept!”

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>Muesli

i’ve never had muesli…it looks very dry. i did have grape nuts once though, which i think is a similar sort of thing. they were very dry too, it was like eating a bowl of sand

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what about a thread about breakfast? i’d love to know what everyone’s favorite breakfast is. mine is scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast :D

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There once was a robot called Kryten
And the Cat, who had an ancestor from Titan
There was Lister as well
Rimmer somehow could smell
And his mother was a bitch queen from hell

[Author]

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