Dave

[Dave]

So with respect sir, what’s in it for the cat?

[Dave]

crossing the point where something that was once popular no longer warrants the attention it has previously received, particularly when attempts at publicity only serve to highlight its irrelevance

Reminds me of something.

[Dave]

Isn’t it obvious?

[Dave]

I mean, you’re *dead* but you’re not *dead dead* because you’re still here, aren’t ya?

[Dave]

FUCK ME, A SKUTTER

Red Dwarf fans all respond in the same way when they watch the opening scene of The End: Remastered for the first time.

[Dave]

I thought the suggestion in the documentary was that it was originally due to be Kochanski in the stasis booth, then they made it a chimp, then they had to add a human after the chimp restrictions became clear.

[Dave]

Taiwan’s a bit Chinesey?

[Dave]

The ship’s navigation systems have been irreparably damaged and it’s on a crash course for a major population centre, but there’s a window of opportunity to blow up the ship while it’s still in the outer atmosphere and minimise the total number of deaths

So what is it?

[Dave]

Have you seen the size of an egg? And you’ve seen the size of a chicken’s bum?

[Dave]

Giving me my gauntlet back?

[Dave]

The Series 4000 isn’t waterproof, is it?

[Dave]

Oh, what is that fragrance? It smells divine.

[Dave]

Would it make any difference if it was… houmous?

[Dave]

Excuse me Voter Colonel, but is this some sort of test?

[Dave]

That just makes it sound even more like something Holly would do.

[Dave]

How simple do you want this?

[Dave]

Honestly, I think it boils down to taking the characters seriously and treating them sincerely. And as much as that stems from the writing, I think the performances are a big part of it too. The broadness of X-XII in terms of the way the characters are performed makes it harder to really care about them, I think.

It would be lovely to see more sincere character work, but I’m not sure it fits with the current version of the show, sadly.

[Dave]

Well, you can work it out, what’s the craft’s inertia rating?

[Dave]

Are you seriously telling me you watched the mining version of Red Dwarf? For thirty years? Oooh, that’s a classic, that is.

[Dave]

I couldn’t buy it, then?

[Dave]

It’s not really three million years later, the whole thing is just a big practical joke the rest of the crew is playing on Lister. They let him out after a few days in stasis and made up all the radiation leak/mass death stuff, and got someone to dress up as a Cat-person to add to the gag. They’re all still hiding on Z deck.

[Dave]

That pays for the hat, now what about the insult?

[Dave]

What is a spectrum? What is a red one? Why is it red?
And why is it so frequently linked with quasars?

What the hell is a quasar?

[Dave]

Shouldn’t you be in the greenhouse with the rest of the cantaloupes?

[Dave]

Oh, you ruined it.

[Dave]

Presumably, given its size, if Red Dwarf ever had some kind of navigation malfunction that locked it into a course where it might collide with an inhabited planet or moon, then it could cause death and destruction on a massive scale. In that situation, it might be safer to blow it up before it hit.

[Dave]

When Rimmer in Polymorph notes the abbreviation of the ‘Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society’, I always thought he said SPITONAWRIST.

[Dave]

Vi parolas Espekanton, Kapitano Rimmer?

[Dave]

Haven’t you ever travelled interstellar?

[Dave]

Didn’t they get to number six with ‘Baby I Want Your Love Thing’?

[Dave]

How do I get two babies?

[Dave]

Can I smell perfume?

[Dave]

I said what?

[Dave]

Have you done my leg yet?

[Dave]

Have you ever heard of an animal called the Iranian jerd?

[Dave]

Is this still the opening line?

[Dave]

Are you all over it like white on rice?

[Dave]

To be honest, there are some episodes where I’m not even convinced that every *scene* takes place within the same universe.

[Dave]

It’s coffee and a naan.

[Dave]

TODYSNATCHER

After many years, the crew of Red Dwarf finally try and solve the mystery of what the fuck has happened to Todhunter.

[Dave]

DNR

When Lister’s experimentation with a piece of genome-rewriting technology leads to him falling into a coma, the crew discuss whether to revive him.

[Dave]

BEYOND A TOKE

During a late-night smoking session, Lister accuses Cat of ‘bogarting’ a joint.

[Dave]

TIKKA FLUORIDE

To aid Mr Lister’s personal hygiene, Kryten develops a curry-flavoured toothpaste.

[Dave]

CROAK ME A NIPPER

Ace Rimmer becomes a hitman who specialises in killing children.

[Dave]

CZECHOCRACY

AKA ‘the one where everyone’s from the Czech Republic’.

[Dave]

KILLER SONY, HUH?

AKA ‘the one where everyone gets a PS4 Pro’.

[Dave]

XYLOPHONIA

AKA ‘the one where everyone’s playing the xylophone’.

[Dave]

NECROCRACY

AKA ‘the one where everyone’ s learning necromancy’.

[Dave]

You’ve all got very limited imaginations.

[Dave]

We also know exactly one year passes between Polymorph and DNA.

[Author]

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