bloodteller

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I didn’t get anything Red Dwarf-related this year, but a couple of years back I got Craig Charles’ autograph, the VIII scriptbook, and the Log No. 1996.

This year I got four massive rolls of toilet paper, a nail file, a 1000-piece cat jigsaw and a popcorn machine

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YOU’VE JUST UNPLUGGED THE CON’S HOLE

Unmade episode from Series VIII in which Cat removes the buttplug of a sexually submissive prisoner.

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I think Back To Earth is the only one of the Lister episodes that really deals with Lister the way that the Rimmer episodes deal with Rimmer, though. Getting deep into the psychological aspects of the character, their loneliness, insecurities etc.

Confidence and Paranoia does technically also explore the psychological aspect of Lister, but the way the two of them act makes it hard to believe they’re a part of Lister in any way. They just feel kind of generic and not really characters tied specifically to Lister’s mind. And of course you get the stories about Lister’s childhood in Marooned and Duct Soup, but they’re not really the focus of the episodes and don’t really say much about Lister’s state of mind in the present. I think Lister’s character is explored best in the novels, really. You really get an understanding of how he feels there, and it’s done excellently imo

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>(Also, I’m guessing we’re just talking about the original 36 here, as obviously later you have stuff like Ouroboros.)

Actually that was just me being an idiot and forgetting that Ouroboros existed

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>V is a very Rimmer-oriented series, isn’t it?

Most episodes that aren’t ensemble episodes are Rimmer-oriented, aren’t they? I don’t think Lister ever really gets an episode that’s got him as the central focus. Timeslides, maybe? But even then Rimmer is very prominent in there, and Lister vanishes halfway through

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>I was proposing that Paul Alexander added it into every episode of the series he script-edited because he thought that stuff improved episodes, but there isn’t firm evidence to back up that libel

Actually come to think of it, maybe it is Paul Alexander’s fault there’s so much sex in VIII? Both his VII scripts (Stoke Me A Clipper and Epideme) involve sex in some way (Lister fucks the Queen, and Caroline’s rotting corpse tries to fuck Lister). Whenever Paul is involved, there’s sex. That can’t be a coincidence, surely?

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KRYTIE TV-DRAFT ONE

Kryten fucks Kochanski in the showers and then pisses on her face. “Taste the salty goodness” he wails as he finishes, in a hilarious callback to Duct Soup. Doug is upset

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>I was proposing that Paul Alexander added it into every episode of the series he script-edited because he thought that stuff improved episodes, but there isn’t firm evidence to back up that libel. Lister cutting off his pubes in Krytie TV is such an un-Red-Dwarf thing though, I have to blame the co-writer.

The story behind Krytie TV is a complicated one, so it could have been either of them. According to the VIII scriptbook, Paul wrote the first two drafts, Doug did a third. Everyone involved (Doug and Ed included) thought the script was absolutely shit. About twelve drafts later he showed it to his wife, who told him “It’s stupid, immature, and mostly unfunny.” In response, Doug went off, holed himself up in a hotel for the weekend, threw out 80% of the original script and came up with the appeal subplot etc.

Honestly, that makes me kind of curious as to what exactly was in the earlier drafts of Krytie TV that disgusted everyone and Doug’s wife so much, especially considering the finished episode is still plenty crude and immature

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>Yeah, no idea. Basically the same level of inappropriateness as Back in the Red. Mmhmm.

Well I was imagining it like Samsara, where the dead bodies were skeletons or something. Or maybe they’d just be lying face-down or something so you could only see their bums

Why are all the VIII episodes about sex though? Like surely there must have been some reason behind it, it can’t have been a coincidence

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Yeah, the VIII DVD booklet talks about Phwoaarr.

“Paul Alexander had submitted a first draft of a script with the working title of Phwoaarr. It told of a ship where a new perfume was being tested that was so effective it caused insatiable attraction between those who smelled it- the result being some nocturnal activity between Rimmer and Kochanski, and much subequent Lister jealousy. The tone and content of the story-including sight of piles of nude, dead bodies- was unsurprisingly considered inappropriate.”

To be honest, I don’t see how Doug thought that was any more inappropriate than all the sexual magnetism shit in Back In The Red. I mean, it’s basically the exact same thing

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Didn’t the Smeg Ups winner end up appearing in Stoke Me A Clipper? I’m sure I heard that somewhere

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VIII and the Recurring Penis

Back In The Red
-Kryten is classified as a woman for his lack of penis
-Rimmer hits his penis with a hammer

Cassandra
-Warden Knot crushes Rimmer’s penis with his bare hands

Krytie TV
-Lister cuts some pubes off his penis to sprinkle on Ackerman’s soap

Pete
-Kryten creates Archie, a penis

Only The Good…
-Rimmer goes to a parallel universe and looks at his massive penis

What’s up with that? Was Doug just really horny when he was writing all the scripts for VIII or something? Unlike most people on this site I don’t entirely hate VIII, but thinking about it, it’s utterly bizarre that there are so many jokes about sex and toilets and penises etc.

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THE LAST eBAY

Kryten starts selling bits of the ship on eBay at ludicrously high prices, but nobody buys them because everyone in the universe is dead.

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A while ago I’m fairly sure I saw the model of the original Blue Midget on eBay…but surely not, because wasn’t that taken apart and turned into that shuttlecraft from the flashback in Ouroboros? Maybe it was just a replica somebody had made or something, but if it was it was incredibly accurate

This definitely looks legitimate I guess, but why is it so expensive? I don’t think anyone just has over £1000 lying around that they could spend on a piece of old model

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If this is actually going to be a proper discussion about Michael Rosen, here’s what I think- he should go into standup comedy. His poems can actually be pretty funny at times and he’s got a lot of energy in the videos where he’s performing them. Just seems like a missed opportunity for him really, I think he’d be quite good at it

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Three seconds is really not a long time, lol

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I think we already have a thread for this sort of thing

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i think I’ve avoided the whole VII/VIII/BTE/X/XI/XII debate by telling my partner something like “the quality kind of goes up and down after the first 36 episodes, so I’d recommend avoiding watching anything after Out Of Time” and she agreed to do that. hopefully she’ll keep to it, I think her opinion of me might lower significantly if she knew I watched the complete and utter shash that is Timewave

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It’s said like Jaws CV McDia, surely

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christ, this thread was a year ago? when did that happen

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Best: Dollar Pound

Worst: Dollar Pound

And the winner is….Dollar Pound

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Oh wow, that’s some excellent trivia there, thanks for clearing it up!

(also I would be interested to read that rant about the Blu-ray box set tbh)

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I was saying what a big fat lump of blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday doesn’t appear to have had any strange sideeffects whatsoever-slzhnjhmwu hfgniir.

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If the stories are to be believed, the particular tribe of GELF that inhabit belt Juno 98 are the hfgniir slzhnjhmwu. Oh sorry, I just sat down on a screwdriver.

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I’ve been meaning to do animations of parts of the audiobooks for a while now, it’s just that animating stuff is difficult and I’m not very good at it anyway. I’ll probably get around to it eventually though

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>VIII has the recurring theme of being vile and vapid.

Well yeah, but if I were to list every time VIII mentions genitalia, semen, shit, toilets, sex etc. we’d be here all night, and I’m pretty sure nobody would read a list like that anyway

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VIII has the recurring theme of Anal Penetration

Back In The Red
-Starbug goes up a rat’s arse
-“Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksy, a couple of zillion volts is gonna be easy street”
-Anus Soothe Pile Cream
-That woman who does Rimmer up the arse
-Part 3 ends with Rimmer about to be fucked by a load of homosexual prisoners, who will presumably be doing anal with him

Krytie TV
– (When discussing Lister’s guitar) Didn’t you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?”

Pete
-Archie goes up the Cat’s arse (deleted scene)
-Archie goes up the Captain’s arse (deleted scene)

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It’s the sound you get when you get your sexual organs trapped in something! Slzhnjhmwu!

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I haven’t watched the video, but with a stupid title like that I’m fairly sure it’s really shit

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My leg hurts

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No thanks, but I wouldn’t mind a cup of tea

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And the fourteenth season of Supernatural

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I checked out the first episode of this out of boredom, and honestly I thought it was a bit rubbish. I’m not really into Doctor Who that much (except the movie with Paul McGann, that’s great) so I don’t really know what I was expecting, but it was all a bit off. The villain being called Tim Shaw for some reason was weird and then they sort of try to make a joke of it but don’t, the weird emphasis on the Doctor saying “You had no right do do that” when the construction worker with self-esteem issues kicks Tim off the edge of the crane,and the dialogue throughout just felt really unnatural. That said, I did like the twist of Ryan’s v-log at the beginning of the episode actually being about his grandma, rather than the Doctor as you’re led to expect. All in all though, didn’t really settle with me, although I didn’t really expect it to going in so that might have soured my opinion of it

I’d totally watch it if they bring back Chang Lee though

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Game Title: Doug Naylor Simulator
Year: 2019
Platform: PS Vita, Virtual Boy, Tiger Game.Com
Genre:Simulator
Plot: Simulation game based around Doug trying to make Red Dwarf. Write the episodes on time, direct the actors, edit the show, get very little sleep and wake up all covered in a horrible melted chocolate mint. The game gets ridiculously hard on the “Funding The Movie” level, so much so that it has been said you can’t actually progress without the cheat code that skips you straight to the Dave era levels.
Voice Actors: Doug Naylor and the Duke Of Manchester

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QUARK SOUP

Exactly the same as Duct Soup, only all the mentions of cottage cheese are overdubbed with Chloe Annett saying ‘quark-gluon plasma’ in a flat monotone. Surprisingly this turns out to be an improvement

“How could you say that..? I have *never* looked at him like he’s a pot of quark-gluon plasma with pineapple chunks in! Maybe, once or twice, plain quark-gluon plasma, but never, *ever*, with pineapple chunks in! Never. Never!”

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RAMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Lister boils some instant noodles in quark-gluon plasma,inadvertently destroying the universe in the process.

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James Jordan sounds like some really weird hybrid of James Corden and Jordan Peterson. What a horrifying thought

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Just took a look at it. It’s neat how they’re also making new content instead of just uploading clips of old episodes-but it’s incredibly obvious that all of the newer stuff is just Rowan Atkinson greenscreened onto a background for about a minute, and then for the rest of the video it’s just a completely different bloke’s hands moving around on a table doing weird shit

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I was over at a friend’s place the other night, and everyone was discussing that we should watch something scary (since Halloween had just passed). I decided to put on Dead Line, obviously without explaining to anyone what it was beforehand. When the audio first cut out one friend was already scared, and by the time the A Quiet Night In part came on everyone was shitting bricks. The general opinion on it was that it was ‘excellent’ and a good recommendation, although really really scary

One friend with a sharp eye pointed out you can actually see the ghostly figure in the window before it’s right up against it and clawing at it (it’s at the back of the garden, slowly making its way forward) and that there’s multiple occasions later on where you can see similar creatures hiding in the background, reflected in mirrors erc. which I hadn’t spotted before. So once again I was freaked out by it

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My first episode was Demons And Angels, which I think is a fairly good one to start with

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Well, thank god it’s not Timewave. Still a really odd episode to start with though

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Just checked out The Devil Of Christmas episode, which was again very cleverly done. I like how much they managed to make it look like something that was made in the 80s, and the twist ending was rather disturbing, especially when you realize a lot of the director’s remarks earlier are hints at it

It’s very creative, I think- they don’t just tell the story the way a TV show would normally tell it. There’s a bit more initiative in the way it presents itself

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GANYMEDE AND FRIGHTEN

It’s Halloween, so Lister watches the Jeff Goldblum classic The Fly. Unfortunately he makes the mistake of eating cheese pizza whilst watching-look out, Rimmer!

Meanwhile, Cat wears a Frankenstein mask for his costume and there’s a big debate over if this is sacrielege and/or treason

Meanwhile, forum user Bloodteller watches the Inside No. 9 Halloween Special and is so freaked out by it that they walk around their house for the rest of the night, paranoid that something will jump out of them. Eventually they make a nice hot cup of Ovaltine and relax, though

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I’ve never seen Inside No. 9 before, but the discussion of this episode really interested me so I checked it out on BBC iPlayer. Obviously I missed out on the Live aspect of it, but either way that was a genius piece of TV and it scared the shit out me despite knowing beforehand it was all made up

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For CGI, I’d say that one shot of the ship in Krytie TV. Maybe that’s an odd choice, but when I was younger I was legitimately convinced that it was a model-even now, it’s still fairly good-looking

For models, there’s just so much good stuff that it’s hard to really have a favourite. If I had to pick though, I’d say the opening sequence from I-II probably

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I got my laptop for £105 from CeX. It’s quite good and can run any game I want, but there’s barely any storage space on it so I have to have USBs and stuff

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I’ve never seen the point in tablets, they’re basically just like annoyingly massive cellphones. What’s the point? You may as well just get a laptop computer, since those are a similar size and also actually good

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“You got put into stasis because you smuggled your pet cat on board”

“No, I got put into stasis ’cause I smuggled my PET Bottle on board”

*a PET Bottle rolls through the dooraway*

“All PE Bottle(KEXON) are not created equal…”

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>I was one of those kids who grew up with Harry Potter and loved it. Read the books, watched the films and played the games dozens of times. But then the final book came out and it was so… boring. Like 500 pages of inconsequential camping that went on forever. As soon as they started talking about those goblins who run the banks I put down the book and never returned to it, finishing the series with movies instead, which were pretty mediocre from Goblet onwards, and since then the franchise has been pretty much dead in the water to me. Amazing how little I care now when I read Phoenix like 9 times.

I read some of the books when I was younger, and a couple of years ago I played Philosopher’s Stone on PS1. I remember I gave up on the books at around Phoenix, when Harry starts moping around a lot and eating loads of shepherd’s pies and using italics every other sentence. It just became a chore to read at that point tbh

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They’re still doing Harry Potter films aren’t they? I saw a commercial for one on the TV a while ago, where Eddie Redmayne was playing the main character, staring at people and running around being really annoying. It makes you wonder how long they’re going to keep making these movies

Harry Potter-The Next Generation

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