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You all know fine well what I’m talking about.

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I never said Danny was, just that Cat seems retarded now.

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Yes I meant that.

Doctor Who is wank now. Lefty woke piffle that if cancelled, wouldn’t surprise me.

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Danny John-Jules does a new run of commentaries for Series I to VI, by himself, while hungover.

The fucking terror of that idea.

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He’s planning to sellotape three special together into a LOTR-esque cinematic trilogy.

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Doctor Who is wank.

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Cat’s retarded, what’s to figure out?

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I roll a 6 and a 2, I proceed to get violated by low-dimension Rimmer.

Pity.

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THE GESTALT ENTITY KNOWN AS GRANT NAYLOR HAS CEASED TO BE. LONG LIVE THE GESTALT ENTITY BABYCOW.

It’s a cow and a baby sellotaped together.

Kryten makes a face.

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THE BIG VINDALOO BREAKFAST

An annoying ginger breakfast TV host gets chinned by Lister upon return of Red Dwarf to Earth.

Paula Yates shags someone on the interview bed.

Kryten makes a face.

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Must be nice to receive money for something you did thirty years ago.

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Now the guy’s got Doug as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Doug. Trouble with the bill? He can go to Doug. Trouble with the cops, deliveries, Paul Jackson? He can call Doug. But now the guy’s gotta come up with Doug’s royalties every week no matter what. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you wandered into rogue simulant territory? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning huh? Fuck you, pay me.

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Sorry, chief, I meant it flippantly but it does look rather tricky.

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Is Craig Charles a rapist?

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That’s what baffles me about Doug when it comes to Timewave. As much as it wasn’t its intent, Red Dwarf through the original run did explore a lot of issues through the lens of comedy in very well-handled ways. Yes there were clunkers like Kryten being classified as a woman for a few cheap visual gags but overall, they got it right in terms of the writing and the approach.

But Timewave? I mean, did everyone just read it, cast and crew alike and all laugh away without the merest thought of maybe this ain’t kosher? Doug is the big boss at the end of the day but there’s a history of him actively listening to everyone around him during every stage of production. Nobody said maybe this is a bit shallow here, a bit dated there, a touch offensive at this point?

Strange episode, strange script, strange everything, I wonder how Doug feels about Timewave in retrospective.

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When I worked in my local cinema, the management was looking for ways to bring the staff into the movie-going experience, so we suggested writing short reviews for each film and posting them by the ticket stall. They quickly scuppered the idea when test reviews such as ‘I survived childhood leukemia for this?’ and ‘I promise I’ll stop petrol bombing if they don’t make a sequel’ were submitted.

Series VIII reminds me of those reviews.

How we laughed.

Oh how we laughed.

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Of its time?

Time?

Time.

Time. Wave.

Timewave.

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The nostalgia dollarpound is still a strong draw

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Picard seemed happy enough being dead, he should’ve just stayed with Data and faded into the ether.

But fuck consistent, meaningful character arcs, CBS needs that sweet streaming lucre.

Season 2 is going to be about some fucking shit like an alternate universe Picard and not even Q can help because fuck shit wank cunt piss arse knob dick.

I hope Michael Burnham dies in Discovery and Saru ingests her whole as is tradition in his culture.

Then shits her out and Spock pees on the poo and then flings it at the Enterprise hull.

Shittyprise.

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Oh look at all of you with your recollection of key dialogue, evidence and plausible theories to support your claims.

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I – The hipster flex ‘I have Red Dwarf on vinyl’ choice
II – The ‘I enjoy Series I but prefer the more confident writing of Series II choice’
III – The ‘Yeah I remember the polymorph and the one with the dog food’ choice
IV – The ‘I think I remember watching these as a kid, the female Kryten, yeah, I remember her’ choice
V – The ‘Look it’s clear this is the most popular series so whatever’ choice
VI – The ‘Sure there’s retreads but you can’t fault the GELF scenes’ choice
VII – The ‘Come on, Tikka is a hoot and Kochanski is annoying for a reason’ choice
VIII – The ‘FUCKING KRYTIE TV, FUCKING FUNNIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN’ choice
BTE – The ‘My boyfriend made me watch the new one and it was ok I guess’ choice
X – The ‘The behind the scenes documentary is immense’ choice
XI – The ‘Is the series with Timewave because if it isn’t, I’ll just pick this’ choice
XII – The ‘Is the series with Timewave because if it isn’t, I’ll just pick this’ choice

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Solid showing for VI, just 4% behind V with III coming up the rear.

Sorry.

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Kryten has been shown to have an encyclopedic knowledge of certain topics but a woefully dismal databank in terms of others, most notably women’s periods, which is odd since he is a sanitation droid and should be adept in human anatomy, unless he was built to serve on all-male Italian starships.

The horror.

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Series VI is my favourite of them all but I do agree that Emohawk and Rimmerworld are woefully average retreads at best and Psirens needed one or two more drafts to take it into great territory. Legion, Gunmen and Out of Time are absolute crackers though and the reason it elevates to the top for me.

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Lovely guy, he was very funny and informative on the documentaries and I always remember him asking for a bottle of red wine as payment for creating the leaking stasis unit in ‘Only The Good…’ and the producer asking if it was a £5 or £15 bottle of wine and Bill ended up with a crate of the good stuff.

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‘Best know for the music from The Weakest Link, The Chase, Dancing On Ice and Gladiators (revival).’

This I gotta hear!

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Seeing darling Graham in such a short role would be a terrible waste.

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My end of season review –

A load of fucking nonsense. The tale of a bunch of mentally ill sociopathic sad sacks and druggies who push an old man around when he clearly needs a lie down and a cup of earl grey and there’s some fleshy androids who look like cast-offs at a local Trek-con and a shit end boss and they even pulled the ol’ soap trope of introducing a new family member even though there was zero mention or even glimpse of them over 33 years of TNG canon.

Oh and Seven is a lesbian now.

And they killed Data again. And I love him. And I don’t want him to go.

Well, see you all for Discovery YEAR 3000 LIMITED EDITION DLC.

Cunts.

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I blame a lack of traditional family structures, drugs and ‘yoof’ culture, according to this Young Conservative pamphlet from 1985.

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Yes compared to the campness of TOS, a few swears and contemporary references isn’t so bad but they feel much more for us the audience than natural elements of late 24th century Earth. Star Trek revolved around a naval ship and staff in the midst of their mission but not even Riker took the odd puff of a vape? Geordi never cursed the engineering deck blind when the core wasn’t doing what he wanted it to do? I suppose when you have a holodeck and near a limitless ability to be wherever you want and whatever you want to be, our vices look utterly tame by comparison.

I like Picard, I do, and I do hope now that we’re off on the main mission it’ll start to feel more comfortable with itself but I’m poisoned by Discovery. Discovery is the utter nadir of Star Trek, a testement to modern TV writing that when it even begins to take its eye off strong story, strong characterisations and strong motive, it crumbles into itself and shows how lazy the writers can be. Emotion, action and mysterious, vague nothings is not story. Story is story, everything else is decoration.

Give us a Picard Marooned, go on, strong writing, character moments and plot driven by the surroundings, oh it’d be a real corker. All shows could do with a Marooned.

We are spoilt, perhaps I shouldn’t complain, but Star Trek and Red Dwarf gave us such wonderful insights into the human condition through the use of setting and ensemble characters. I don’t like to see it all go to waste.

And don’t get fucking started about Doctor Who.

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I bet ten dollarpounds that there will be a clunky bit of hand-waving about how some great temporal or dimensional war in the 26th century brought on by too much fannying about with forces that cannot be comprehended effectively took the galaxy back to the dark ages in terms of technological advancement because by the 32nd century, even the most basic of shuttlecraft should be able to take apart a starship from the 24th century with comparitive ease. Starships shouldn’t exist apart then from the extra-galactic expeditions that the 1701-J was enjoying. Time travel is heavily sanctioned and used only in official capacities by the Federation and restricted by the temporal prime directive. Dimensional travel is easy enough but doesn’t seem to affect dimensions on a macro level. The galaxy is able to be traversed in mere moments as seen by Braxton in his shuttle of all things.

It’s like Batman v. Superman, when it first announced, my first question was how do you stunt Superman enough to be manhandled by ol’ Bruce Wayne? You can put the Batman in a mech-suit as he was but it only brings his overall strength up by 10x or so whereas if Superman was inclined, he could turn Batman into atoms in an instant. The correct route was to have Bruce bring Superman down to human level with a good whiff of kryptonite. So what will be the kryptonite of the 32nd century?

Something has to give, a 23rd century starship in the 32nd century, knowing that the 1701-J is travelling to other galaxies in the 26th century, and timeships are able to go anywhere and anywhen by the 31st century. Either Discovery is quickly scrapped or for whatever reason it is on par with an extremely stunted galaxy.

Or as with Discovery in terms of writing, they’ll ignore all that and Michael Burnham will give another horribly vacuous speech about emotion and pride and love and how our ability to bring the ideals of the Federation into the future will ensure their survival.

God, I need a drink.

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Ironically it’s the second episode I enjoyed the most as there was a natural unfolding of the expositional elements as the scenes progressed but new Trek can’t seem to get the blend quite right. Episodes either stutter to a deathly stillness, or there’s a horrendous amount of exposition in amongst the action scenes which are far more prevalent now as compared to the ’87 to ’00 era. There’s no simmering of the pot, no unfolding, more here it is, have at it, this is what you wanted right? Discovery S2 is a war criminal when it comes to padding up action scenes with exposition to make them not look like brainless distractions. God I fucking hate Discovery. Love Pike and Saru, everyone else can fuck off.

Anyway, it’s ok, I mean, I like it, it’s clearly got a story to tell, anyway, we always have about 6433 episodes of Trek on Netflix to watch.

Although saying that, I’m only watching Discovery S3 to see what the bloody hell the ships and aliens look like in the 32nd century. I mean, if the Enterprise-J is from the 25th century, what the hell will they have by the 4th millenium?

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RED BOX DWARF

Julian Clary appears and does some off-colour jokes about fisting.

Kryten makes a face.

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That read like a deleted scene from Timewave.

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I really wish current Star Trek would stop doing these fucking arcs. There isn’t enough plot to patch up the episodes so the writers have to wank all over the place with action scenes and extended dialogue scenes which go on and on but really say nothing other than to show how basic and unwelcoming half the characters are once you start writing anything more than exposition for them.

Why is Picard fannying about with those malcontents? Every plot element in the show is just too convienent, too neatly in step with the last to drive Picard from A to B to C. Why is he suddenly emotional to the point of nausea? It’s a load of nonsense.

Look at the TNG two parters, most are blinders that really needed the whole 90 minutes, now look at Discovery and Picard, same amount of plot, stretched out like nobody’s business.

God I miss episodic sci-fi. 45 minutes, get in, set it all up, drive the story along, wrap it all up, you’re done, lovely.

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Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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A diamond necklace played the pawn
Hand in hand some drummed along, oh
To a handsome man and baton
(Bygone, bygone)
A blind class aristocracy
Back through the opera glass you see
The pit and the pendulum drawn
(Bygone, bygone)
Columnated ruins domino

Canvass the town and brush the backdrop
Are you sleeping?

Hung velvet overtaken me
Dim chandelier awaken me
To a song dissolved in the dawn
(Bygone, bygone)
The music hall a costly bow
The music all is lost for now
To a muted trumpeter swan
(Bygone, bygone)
Columnated ruins domino
Canvass the town and brush the backdrop
Are you sleeping, Brother John?

Dove nested towers the hour was
Strike the street quicksilver moon
Carriage across the fog
Two-Step to lamp lights cellar tune
The laughs come hard in Auld Lang Syne
The glass was raised, the fired rose
The fullness of the wine, the dim last toasting
While at port adieu or die
A choke of grief heart hardened, I
Beyond belief, a broken man too tough to cry

Surf’s Up, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm
Aboard a tidal wave
Come about hard and join
The young and often spring you gave
I heard the word
Wonderful thing
A children’s song

Child, child, child, child, child
A child is the father of the man
Child, child, child, child, child
A child is the father of the man
A children’s song
Have you listened as they played
Their song is love
And the children know the way
That’s why the child is the father to the man
Child, child, child, child, child
Child, child, child, child, child
Na na na na na na na na
Child, child, child, child, child
That’s why the child is the father to the man
Child, child, child, child, child

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‘Audience laugh, slightly shorter this time’

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You’re all gay apart from me.

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I want to hate it but it’s well done.

I hate it on a moral level, but creatively it’s pretty good.

Oh just fucking ban me.

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Ban everyone apart from Jaws.

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I preferred Zool to be fair.

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No there’s not.

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Red Dwarf.

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Maybe if we have a bit of an ol’ pray, God will help us out

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I sound like I’m complaining, I’m not really, I love this site.

At least I don’t stalk people, eh?

Guys?

…

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I literally plan my forum clicks because I know I jump from tab to tab in the knowledge the next may not have loaded.

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Well yes, but.

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While the admins are here, why is the site so bloody slow to load from page to page? I click on a link and it comes up three seconds later or thereabouts. It’s been like this for years.

Also, do you call this pigswill chateau du fere? It is NEITHER ripe or light on the palate.

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I nominate this thread for hall of fame status.

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